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Travel

One Shot

I know it’s not Friday, but this is too topical and too tempting to resist. You are an air marshal. You have been called to deal with a disruptive passenger on a plane full of British slebs. As you walk down the aisle to sort out the trouble, this is the view that greets you. […]

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Stop Me If This Is Getting Boring

There’s even a forum on the Internet Movie Database where members are trying to come up with a tagline for the film whose title is a tagline: Snakes On A Plane: “They’re not after the peanuts.” Snakes On A Plane: “Scared of heights? Scared of snakes? We put them together.” Snakes On A Plane: “This […]

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This Weekend’s Train Conversations

On the way to Hot Wheels‘ most excellent party yesterday I met an Englishwoman with a bass who plays in a New Cross bluegrass band. She was wearing an “I’m Up For A Chat On The Tube” badge that turned out to be a product of a conceptual art project to bring random people together. […]

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Watch Out, Keef

I may have given the impression during the existence of this ‘Blog that I am something of a nerd, but I’m telling you, people: you haven’t lived until you’ve pulled up outside the best hotel in town in a written-off car with the front bumper howling as it scrapes on one of the tyres; handed […]

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Strange Day

I forgot to mention that my Thursday last week started with my being trapped in my car when its cheap-and-nasty central locking system went bonkers and shut me in (I had to pass the keys out through the window to a mechanic at local garage who got a passenger-side door open) and ended with my […]

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Proud To Be British

I’ve been meaning to tell this heart-warming true story of national unity online for almost two weeks now and just haven’t had a chance to: I keep being troubled by the strange and topical outbursts of The Voices In My Head. I get on a Brighton bus at about eight, having had some delightful early-Friday-evening […]

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Sorry, We Don’t Do Business With Negroes

Soon it’ll be time to renew my car insurance. When I investigated, I was disappointed to discover that I don’t qualify for cover from Whitey’s Wheels, the new company that only insures Anglo-Saxon drivers. For some time now, actuaries have recognized that white people make fewer and smaller claims on their car insurance than black […]

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A Long Way For A Bad Joke

[The image jitters, there is a thump as the sound comes on, and a haggard, hair-covered face fills the frame. Veils of windswept snow crystals twist and drift across the view.] SIR RANULPH FIENNES [for it is he]: Bally thing’s playing silly buggers again. Hello! Hello! Michael! MIKE IN THE STUDIO: Sir Ranulph! Can you […]

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Pulling The Plug(s)

Things really really will be quiet around here for the next few days because I am moving from Cambridge to Brighton this week. During this time there will be a period of complete Internet “cold turkey”. Pray for me. See ya, Tabland. I’d like to say it’s been a blast, but I’d be lying.

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Trainspotting. Really.

During the 80s, despite my father’s tribal loyalties lying further north, the Counsells had family membership of Leicestershire County Cricket Club. We would take a picnic and sit next to the sight screens. My mum fell in love with David Gower because he batted like a young god and his hair, curly and flashed with […]

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All-Purpose Apology

Lately I have promised various people various things, including a hugely superfluous full-length post on PooterGeek about the recent British bombings. I must apologise to those I have so far disappointed. Tony Blair in particular keeps phoning me, hoping that I will be able to provide him with some choice phrases. Sorry, Tone. I have […]

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The First Valley Girl In Space

This, however, is not only not one of my spoofs; it isn’t a spoof at all. It’s a direct quote from a New York Times article about the Captain of the next Space Shuttle mission: Capt. Wendy B. Lawrence of the Navy looks at her first space shuttle flight in 1995 almost as a vacation. […]

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Getting Worse

The Independent Radio News report on 96.9 Chiltern FM at four o’clock: “11 Britons are among the dead.” [Recording of northern Irish bloke recounting his experience] “—journalist Blahdy Blah on the earthquake in south Asia. In [Thailand] alone, eight Britons died. Others are on their way home to emotional reunions.” Don’t the media just love […]

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Four-Wheel Driven

If the worst came to the worst, you would, of course, stamp on the head of that annoyingly talented and inquisitive Pakistani girl who helps her mother out in the local corner shop, but luckily you don’t have to resort to direct violence to keep the little oik out of those places at Oxbridge you […]

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Get With The Program

Ringing people from your mobile on public transport to tell them “I’m on the train” is so nineties. Now you email people and tell them “I’m on my mobile”. Thank you, Anthony. I’m on my Linux box. You’re back on the ‘Blogroll.

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I Don’t Believe It

I have a nice handbuilt touring bike. When I bought it nearly ten years ago with a tax rebate, I paid more for it (even in absolute cash terms) than the car I now drive. Unlike my car, it has probably paid for itself, mainly by getting me around London for several years, when I […]

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Boldly

Like Herr Blunkett, I have had access to one of Her Britannic Majesty’s rail warrant thingies—in my case for going about the country on Medical Research Council business. If I’d known I could use it to send my girlfriend first class, I’d, er, have got myself a girlfriend. I would so. I could have one […]

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Safety In Flight

Good morning, chattels and infidels. On behalf of all of the team, welcome aboard this wide-bodied handcart from London Heathrow to Hell. Your flight has been the subject of a hostile, but successful, takeover bid by Intellectual Jihad. By co-operating with us in every way your inevitable demise could be postponed for anything up to […]

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All Bald Men Look The Same: II

I am in a UK airport branch of Dixons. I am trying out the keyboard of an ultra-portable notebook computer to see if it’s large enough for me to touch-type on. An American tourist approaches with his eleven-year-old-looking son. He smirks at his offspring and then says to me: “That’s small enough for you to […]

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Glad We’ve Got That Sorted Out

Globe-trotting teacher of English as a foreign language and funnyman ‘Blogger Harry Hutton puts me right over at Chase Me Ladies. It isn’t the Jooos who are to blame for the World’s ills; it’s the Joes. UPDATE: Ever alert, US Homeland Security bans Joes from flying. UPDATE UPDATED: Ted Kennedy is one of the main […]

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That Question Again

Yesterday at noon I was packing my bag in a hotel room, booked in advance over the Web, when the television turned itself on and told me that it was time for me to check out. A taxi with GPS picked me up and took me to Glasgow airport. There I waited for a ticketless […]

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