And now it’s time for Thought For The Day. Over in our Manchester studio we welcome the Reverend Nimmo Platitude of St Gavin’s Church Of The Lost Apostle, Bamber Bridge:
“Thank you, James.
“This morning I toasted a bagel for my breakfast and, as I lifted one half of the deliciously warm, crispy-soft bun off my plate to spread butter onto it; it fell, greasy side down, to the newly carpeted floor of my living room, a carpet still awaiting treating with stain protector. It is at times like this that even the most committed Christian asks, “How could a benevolent god let such a thing happen?” On the face of it this is a fair question, and one that I have heard many times from parishioners over the years.
Confronted by such an appeal from a member of my flock grieving over the death of a much loved iPod—one sadly not covered by Apple Care—it would be all but impossible for me to fall back to the dry and abstract arguments that I was given during my training at Wycliffe Hall. Instead I adopt a far more direct and practical approach in an effort to convey to him or her a deeper understanding of the true nature of the Christian God. Cupping the tear-stained cheeks of my questioner in my hands, I slap him briskly about the face and say, “Because he’s a spiteful old fruit, and you’d better get used to it, love.”
“It was Paul who wrote in his Second Letter To The Thessalonikans:
“Mr and Mrs Pantheopoulos,
Thank you kindly for your great hospitality. My wife and children can’t wait to come back and enjoy your delicious minced lamb and spinach filo again next year. I was wondering in the meantime if you would do me the greatest of favours and keep hold of the yellow-and-blue flip-flops that I am sure I left under the main double bed in our chalet.
Isn’t it always the way? You check everywhere and then God, yielding to adolescent spite bordering on the pre-menstrual, prods one of the boys to divert your attention just for a moment so you forget your nicest holiday footwear. He might be omni-bleeding-present, but that doesn’t stop him from being a miserable bitch.
Yes, our Almighty is a great big pouting sulk of a supreme queen, but, instead of complaining about it, we should all jolly well shut up and deal with it. Do you think salvation grows on trees? No. Let me put it in a nutshell: original sin; freewill; next life; up yours.”
That was Thought For The Day. Reverend Platitude will be appearing later this week on BBC3’s I’m A Celebrant Get Me Out Of Here.