Excuse me, sir?


I’m here for the life drawing class.

Blimey. No one else is.

Yes, I noticed that. Are we going to start anyway, sir?

Why are you calling me “Sir”?

You are the life drawing teacher, aren’t you?

I prefer to think of myself as an creative facilitator, but, technically, I am, yes. Why don’t you call me “Jez” like everyone else? Or “bastard”, like Pierre does?


Well, his real name’s Nigel, but since he formed Sartre’s Tears he’s been insisting that everyone calls him “Pierre”.

Are we going to start drawing soon?

Well, you can if you want, but wouldn’t you rather be down the corridor taking advantage of the screen-printing equipment to design the flyer for your first shambolic live gig in a basement club supporting Septic Nipple?


Or maybe at some hip inner-city hairdressers getting half of your head shaved? Your hair’s pretty boring.

What’s my hair got to do with anything? I came here to learn to be an artist.

Don’t you mean “artiste”? [strikes pose, adopts yodelling Mockney accent:] “It’s a godawful small affair! / To the girl with the mousey hair…”

Stop it! Stop it! I don’t want to be a singer in a band! I just want to do commercial illustration.

Dreary-Snooze McYawn! Where’s your ambition, square-boy? With the right image and half a dozen chords you could conquer the World. One day you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile / And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!

I just want to study hard, go home to eat my tea and read a book, and then, when I graduate, get a steady job drawing happy couples embracing each other in front of designer-furnished riverside apartments. I don’t want to clock-watch for six hours then put on eyeliner and run off into the town centre with a Penguin Modern Classic sticking out of my pocket, to drink absinthe and plan “multimedia happenings”.

[curls lip] T’ain’t no big thing / To wait for the bell to ring!

Gah! [storms out]

I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away / I love the sound of you walking away, walking away, hey, hey!