Top Ten acts you might be curious enough to watch as long you didn’t have to hand over any of your money:

ELVISH

Bringing a new meaning to “The Return Of The King”, Elvish is possibly the leading fantasy role-playing Presley impersonator working today and the undisputed hit of 1998’s Nevada TolkienCon.

Bob Dylan’s 60s Pop Quiz

Join in the fun of trying to identify the song in the fewest bars as the once-popular folk star returns. Bob is backed by the cream of America’s session musicians, who cast each other weary sidelong glances and think about their fees/CVs, while vainly attempting to keep up with the old joker as he lurches from key to key and song to song, without the benefit of intelligible between-number introductions—or lyrics. Or tunes.

Dilpazier Aslam’s Struggle

All profits go to Islamic children’s charity Hizb ut-Tharir, as Dilpazier speaks live and answers questions about how a global Zionist conspiracy not only destroyed his flourishing career as a newspaper columnist, but continues to thwart his burgeoning artistic efforts as a painter of fine watercolours.

The Spice Ladies

Britain’s only transvestite tribute to the 90s Girl Power stars will bowl you over with their big ‘n’ bouncy take on the girls’ greatest hits. Jugga, jugg-ah!

The Great Blairo

Britain’s leading escapologist has only a couple of years to wriggle out of both an underpaid job in an office where everyone hates him and an insufficiently well-specified commitment to the residents of a large country in the Middle East. Slap yourself repeatedly about the face in an effort to stay awake while reporters from all over the World try to persuade you that he’s really really going to have to go soon now. (Supported by Ugly Rumours.)

PooterGeek LIVE: The 2006 “I Went To Oxford, You Know” Tour

Watch book deals, successful grant applications, permanent employment, relationships with the opposite sex, and small but high-value electronic devices turn into ashes in the hands of this gifted disillusionist. “I didn’t think it was possible for talent and opportunity to go to waste like this without some form of chemical dependency being involved.”–Dr Raj Persaud. “So depressing I had to leave before the big finish, where he sets fire to his pay-off cheque.”–Johnny Vegas.

Ab-Work

This po-faced human-machine tribute act renders the continent-straddling Euro-pop of ABBA in the style of Teutonic electro pioneers Kraftwerk. You can only claim a superficial familiarity with Dancing Queen until you’ve heard it in the original German.

An Evening With David Blunkett

Ladies, bring your own condoms, but, to avoid embarrassing misunderstandings during foreplay, please leave the studded ones at home.

Deirdre Boldwyn

Cardiff’s legendary pet psychic. Listen in awe as, through the medium of Deidre, Rover reaches back a ghostly paw from the Great Kennel In The Sky.

Porridge With Crutons

Nobel-prizewinner Harold Pinter reads the Galloway Prison Diaries.