They start an international football competition looking horribly over-rated. They lead by a goal from one impressive long shot in the first half, but are made to seem pedestrian in the second as they do their best to defend the slim advantage. Some of their passing is shockingly inaccurate. At least one of their star players is short of match fitness and has to be substituted. Yes, it’s Brazil. And, if you didn’t read the Motley Fool before the game started, you missed your chance to play…
Brazil Commentary Bingo!
“It doesn’t really feel like a World Cup has started until Brazil play” – 5 points.
Camera close-ups of foxy female Brazilian laydeez before the game starts – 5 points.
“What Pele called the beautiful game” – 10 points
Camera shot of Pele in the posh seats with some corporate freeloader or other – 10 points
“Samba skills” – 10 points
Any other reference to samba – 3 points
Reference to the Copacabana – 3 points
“That wasn’t in the script” (if Brazil aren’t 4-0 up by half-time)
“Does Ronaldo look fully fit?” – 5 points
“The champions elect” – 3 points
Commentator creaming themselves over piece of mundane skill that all teams in the tournament can muster, and saying “It’s the Brazilian way” – 5 points.
“He never does that for Arsenal” – 50 points
“The Arsenal midfielder” – 1 point (seeing as he’s the only Brazilian in the Premiership)
“1966” – 1 point
“David Beckham style free kick” – 3 points
“Ronaldinho – he can turn a game in a moment” – 3 points
Any reference to South American teams not winning in Europe – 3 points
“Brazil the team of…Socrates etc etc” followed by a long list of past greats – 3 points
“Roberto Carlos – a disappointing kick from the veteran Brazilian” – 1 point
“Well who could have forecast that?” when Brazil go one-nil down – 10 points
“That’s blown this tournament wide open” – when Brazil stay one-nil down – 10 points
“How many goals in a Brazilian, Motty?” – one point for Lawro asking, 10 bonus points if Motty tries to answer
Mention of 1970 team in hushed tones as the greatest team of all time- 5 points
Mention of 1982 team as greatest never to win the tournament- 10 points
Commentator saying “So he is human after all!” after Ronaldinho does something pants despite the fact he hasn’t done anything that great before then- 10 points
Roberto Carlos taking a fifteen yard run-up and blasting the ball into row W from a free-kick 40 yards out. Repeatedly – 10 points.
Cafu getting arrested in the middle of the first half for faking his Italian passport – 1,000,000 points.
Despite my cynicism Brazil actually being pretty damn good – 0 points.
“Learned his football on the streets of ……” (enter Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro etc as applicable.) – 5 points
“I wouldn’t want to be in that wall” (just before a Roberto Carlos freekick) – 5 points.
“I wouldn’t want to be sat in the back row behind the goal” (just after a Roberto Carlos freekick) – 15 points.
“The champagne corks will be popping in the streets of Zagreb tonight” – 50 points
That’s rather more ways of winning points than I’m able to manage in one match, but I do remember a fair number of such things coming up.
Given the Brazilian 2nd half performance, one would hope that the exaggeration of England’s “dramatic” fading in the second half would fade, but I don’t suppose for a moment that it will. Like Brazil, if England aren’t winning every match 8-0, something’s gone badly wrong, not with the journalists who entertain that kind of fantasy, but with the coach.
“The Arsenal midfielder” 1 point (seeing as he’s the only Brazilian in the Premiership)
Well Edu didn’t play anyway, but Middlesbrough’s Fabio Rochemback is a second Premiership Brazilian, so there are at least two.
I thought that Brazil still did OK in the second half, although this could be down to some form of mind control from Motty’s platitudes
[…] Via PooterGeek, link. […]
I watched the match last night, so I understand quite a bit of this post. But I bought a top this morning, and hopefully that will act as the antidote.
Tops don’t work, Linda. Not for me, at any rate.
I would like one point at least for, ‘Ronaldinho! He’s on another planet!’
I did enjoy the playing of the Brazilian commentary on Kaka’s goal, though I wouldn’t call myself Kaka on a bad day.
Linda wrote:
The woman watching the game with me in the pub certainly perked up with the half-time arrival of the shampoo-ad hair and Gitanes-smoked voice of the BBC’s new studio “talent”, Leonardo [right-hand side of photo].
Excellent post. That is, if one is an England fan, which one, thanks deity, isn’t.
I will refrain from a kneebite here, waiting for the third game of today to complete the post.
But yes, the boys ARE horribly overrated and may easily lose it just because of the pressure.
I can’t take credit for these. They are all from the other end of the link in the original post. If you haven’t already registered (for free) with the Motley Fool UK I thoroughly recommend it.