The Anonymous Economist lent me a copy of the most recent album from Anastacia (or Shouty Woman, as my officemate Jo calls her). The main producer credited is Glen Ballard. Having listened to the tracks [if I still had dreadlocks they would have trailed back from my head horizontally while I sat in front of the speakers] I think the real perpetrator is that poodle-permed Captain Caveman lookalike who Tina Turner used to keep in a cage during her live shows and let out occasionally to play a sax solo. They are all so LOUD. A typical number goes something like this:
- quiet acoustic guitar strumming
- clichéd psychobabble intro lyric that doesn’t scan: “I am a shouty woman and you gone done me wrong / I’m all out of therapy and my shrink wants points for his part in this song.”
- real string section, layered with a roomful of expensive synthesizers
- anguished pre-chorus with Led Zep-proportioned drums
- thumping verse build-up: “I’m a shouty woman on an empty street / A shouty woman you left incomplete / A shouty woman all drained of tears / But I’m a shouty woman and I’ll SHOUT DOWN MY FEARS.
- velociraptor tom roll
- fifteen gospel choirs and three orchestras file into the biggest space in studio complex for the main chorus, introduced by a Tyrannosaurus rex drum fill: “I-Y-AM A SHOUTY SHOUTY WOMAN!”
- apocalyptic drum crescendo
- super-anguished verse: “You beat me, cheat me, use your mouse to delete me, till I can’t shout no more!”
- “But I’ll hang on, I’ll be strong / I’ll open Word and write another muthaf**kin’ loud song / I-y-am a shouty shouty SHOUTY WOMAN!”
- knobs-to-eleven chorus: “…SHOU-T-AY WO-MA-Y-N! SHOU-T-AY WO-MA-Y-N!…”
- muted, loop-based contemporary break to lull you into a false sense of security: “You turned my shout to a whisper / When you turned away to kiss her”
- then, bam!: TURN UP THOSE COMPRESSORS, SCOTTY!
- I CANNAE CHANGE THE LAWS OF ACOUSTICS, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN!
- MORE LIMITING! I MUST HAVE MORE LIMITING!
- SHE’S IN THE RED, CAP’N.
- WE NEED MAXIMUM POWER TO COMPETE WITH ANA’S CLIMAX. JUST HOLD IT TOGETHER UNTIL THE OUTRO.
- …WE’RE NEARLY THERE, CAP…
- NOW! UNLEASH THE AXEMAN!
- huge overdriven Les Paul guitar parachutes in from both sides of the stereo field simultaneously, played by a cloned West Coast session man plucking the strings with his perfectly straight teeth while he uses his feet to do his accounts with Microsoft Money.
- just in time for the final chorus, God (having restricted Himself to smaller percussion instruments until this point) starts hitting the timpani like He means it
- “IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT, ON THE EDGE OF CRAZY /I NEED SOME MORE IMPACT AND A CHANGE IN KEY IS KIND OF LAZY / YEAH, I’M A SHOUTY, SHOUTY WOMAN!”
- the entire heavenly host comes in for the repeat: “…SHOU-T-AY WO-MA-Y-N! SHOU-T-AY WO-MA-Y-N!…”
- dizzyingly steep diminuendo
- tinkly piano and croaky vox to fade: “Before you went away I shouted in our home / When you left I shouted down the phone / But now I’m shouting, SHOUT-A-Y-A-Y-ING … all … al-o-n-e…”
Whatever else you think about her, you’ve got to admit her voice is some kind of physiological marvel. In another age she would be a freak show star: “Dr Caractacus Glennworthy Ballard presents, ‘The Impossibly Infinitesimal Miss Anastacia Shoutywoman: The Human Vocal TARDIS!'”.
Somewhat overwrought, most popular music, don’t you think?
Glenn Ballard was also producer/songwriter for Alanis Morrisette. Clearly that was just him honing his SHOUTY-WOMAN-presenting skills…
*shakes head* You realize that by bashing current pop music, this makes us all old, square and very much a part of the establishment. Well, possibly everyone but AE, who bought the album in the first place. *shudder*
She’s got some pair of lungs on her alright.I bet she could hold her breath under water for a week.
[nasal Canadian/Californian voice]:“It’s like when you sleep with a guy / And he turns out to be your dad / Like when things start out good / Then they suddenly turn bad / I’m an ironic IRONIC IRONIC WOMAN!”
They don’t come much more establishment than Anastacia. She’s the personification of corporate rock-funk. I bet she’s actually divided into semi-independent trading divisions and has to have board meetings with herself to plan her marketing.
I am bookmarking this post! (My friend H, in particular, will love it.) Anastacia’s a brave girl, sharing her cancer with the press and all, but damn, she makes lousy music.
I should point out that, despite all my ribbing, I really enjoy listening to her stuff. Sure, it makes me wince, but give me forty-five minutes of the latest Anastacia album over forty-five minutes of the latest New Order album. They might be considered hipper, but their output is just as calculated and corny; the difference is what they do is also flat, tuneless, and ineptly performed.
I reckon I could do fifteen minutes of either an Anastacia album or a New Order album; no more! (I could listen to the Rolling Stones until I was dead, and I still wouldn’t get bored.)
She’s damned sexy though.
[…] « Still Tinkering Armageddon It While I’m on the subject of accomplished corporate music monsters this 10-year-old review of Def Leppard by And […]
I always confuse Glenn Ballard with Russ Ballard, whose masterpieces include the fairly good ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ and ‘God Gave Rock n Roll To You’, each song murdered in versions by, respectively, Rainbow and Kiss. So I went looking for details on Russ and found this – http://www.complete-music.co.uk/writers/midrussb.htm
The line that had me laughing was “…through to being the figurehead of Argent”.
Now call me a picky internet pedant playing games with a publishers blurb, but weren’t Argent headed up by their keyboard player, a Mr Rod Argent? I mean, I’m sure they were a democracy and all that, and I know Russ wrote some great songs, but the key’s in the name of the band guys….
And then I found the last line about Russ writing a song for Blazing Squad, and all self control left me; he did what? It’s enough to make you prefer the ironic Ballard geezer…
[…] esperate need of a clever tagline Thursday 31st March 2005 Anastacia by numbers. (# ) Post info Origina […]
” … I think the real perpetrator is that poodle-permed Captain Caveman lookalike Tina Turner used to keep in a cage during her live show, letting him out occasionally to play sax solos.”
That’d be Timmy Capello, then, and, yes, that IS him ‘blowing sax’ in the beach party scene from Lost Boys.
Thank you, Hulegu. Amusingly, according to someone on this discussion board, Cappello went on to appear in the Conan the Barbarian movies, but here he is in Tina’s band, discovering that a human bone can be used as a weapon.
BritBlog Roundup # 7
Time for our weekly roundup of blogging from these misty Isles somewhere in the North Atlantic. The best posts from those citizens of or resident in the four nations are eligible and you can nominate your entries for next week
ANASTACIA IS THE GREATEST SINGER IN THE WORLD AND I DNT NO HOW U CAN SAY ALL THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS I PITY U PEOPLE
I dont see ur point…y dissin Anastacia, when she has it all…great voice, great looks, no troubles around her, or if she has, she tries to help others with her experience…. U should try to get to know her before u diss her or anything. =D
Some people have too much time on their hands. What’s the purpose of this? Did you just realise your idol Shittney Spears will never be able to make such good album as Anastacia does? Did you recognise her fighting spirit and realised what pussy you really getting scared shitless by that kitten that crossed your path? Did you notice how sexy she looks and realised that you are 35 year old virgin still living with his momma and figured out you will never be able to get woman like that? maxed your credit card on porn sites and now can’t get any porn online so you are frustrated and are venting your pent-up pressure on stuff like this?
Get a fucking life. And get a fucking taste, because you obviously can’t see talent if it came to you and kicked you in the ass.
Those last three replies just took the words straight outta my mouth!
Anastacia is the most incredible singer I have ever heard. And at least she can sing, unlike most ‘singers’ who mime each and every performance. Have you ever seen her live, in concert? I bet not. She took my breath away both times I saw her, and is better live than recorded. Any idiot would be able to see that. Although recorded music is good, live music beats it anyday. So to be fair, you really should go and see her in concert before you start dissing her.
She saved my life, and I would give anything for her. I would give anything to see her live again.
Sprock on Clare, Kirszti & luxxi!
Anastacia = Nicole Appleton in a push-up bra and stupid specs – Burnage MOR band boyfriend
what gives you the right to make fun of Anastacia when you don’t even have a decent name? I mean, Pootergeek? what kind of name is that? First off the girl can sing and she actually has talent. second, she is not a shouty woman. what kind of lame insult is that any way? And third, find a new topic cuz you will get more replies just like this one if you continue to diss Anastacia!
hey Jackie, watch your mouth cuz there are more people just like me who won’t take what you say. Oh, and we will have the last word!
Wot the fcuk??
Anastacia is da best!!!!! Thats all I gotta say.
Just admit it 2 urself u lyk her music. I’m telling u this Anastacia is ONE OF A KIND- she is the one of the most sincere and down 2 earth people in the music business.
I think she is bloody BRILLIANT- knowing that she surived breast cancer and within a year of being diagnosed she recoverd and released her third self- titled album, “Anastacia” and it went MULTI- PLATINUM in SEVERAL COUNTRIES all around the WORLD!!!!!
Now wot u gotta say bitch??
I think she is bloody BRILLIANT- knowing that she surived breast cancer and within a year of being diagnosed she recoverd and released her third self- titled album, “Anastacia” and it went MULTI- PLATINUM in SEVERAL COUNTRIES all around the WORLD!!!!!
ANASTACIA = AMAZING
I’m kinda confused about why you are saying you hate her so much yet taking the time to write a page or so about it. I didn’t actually read all the crap that you put because I can’t be botherd to waste my time with stupid shit like that. You should really listen to the lyrics of her songs, you might learn something – especially if that “shouty woman” thing was your best writing skills. Well, Anastacia is amazing and is a great singer. I just realised that i’m wasting my time with stupid shit at the moment so i’m gonna go and put Anastacia on repeat and turn it up REAL loud. AI, i totally agree with you, how can you diss a woman like that? wow.. i’m on a site called pooter geek…. lmao.
^^^Everything u said is sooooooo true 🙂
I hardly read ALL the crap points u guys wrote, coz it was just TOTAL and UTTER CRAP LMAO
I think I’ll go listen 2 Anastacia now 2!!! So that every1 in my area can hear how good her music is 🙂
This is the best entertainment I’ve had all day!!
“I didn’t actually read all the crap that you put because I can’t be botherd to waste my time with stupid shit like that.”
She sounds like my cat impersonating Eartha Kitt or Tina Turner.
Or, for those of you in the stalls,
Shee sowndz lyk mi katt mpursun8ng urtha kit r tna trnr.
Well you’re obviously skilled at it enough to type like that… maybe thats what you do in your spare time
Lmao
Actually I had to take a day off to make the time for it. I reserve my time off for more productive pursuits such as mowing my lawn with a pair of nail scissors.
WOT A LOSER U R!
i SERIOUSLY THINK U NEED TO GET SOME HELP
[Mopping up mess from ruptured eardrums.]
I’d welcome some help. It’s a huge lawn but I do have some spare scissors. if you’re volunteering I’d be glad to accomodate your request to spend some more time out in the fresh air.
I choose the beats though, natch.
I wouldn’t give you my scissors if my garden depended on it, its tiny anyways.
And I wouldn’t help you cut it, because Ive got better things to be doing, for example, listening to the Anastacia, who all absolute dumbass-es know as the ‘shouty woman’, what losers.
i think he is a little cock with spots all over his face and a fat boy who sits at his pc talking crap coz he has fuck all else to say part from shite you know nothin u ass hole go fuck your fay ugly mummy u bloody gob shite and stop saying nasty shit about anastacia OK FUCKING TWAT FACE
Right. That’s it. You’re all grounded. You’ve had your right to reply. Comments here are officially closed to the Anastacians.
And you can stop pouting right now, young lady.
Phear the pwoer of AOHell customers, or what!
Taking this conversation back a little, before the Shouty Woman Brigade stormed in:
…the key’s in the name of the band guys…
Not necessarily. I mean, when someone says Van Halen, who thinks of Eddie? It’s all about Diamond Dave.
give me forty-five minutes of the latest Anastacia album over forty-five minutes of the latest New Order album. They might be considered hipper, but their output is just as calculated and corny; the difference is what they do is also flat, tuneless, and ineptly performed.
?????? !!!! 🙁
U don’t know wat u are talking about. New Order rock. When did you ever own a nightclub in Manchester or take ecstacy or be a friend of a cool bloke called Tony? And they are 50 year old and still kick ass.
U R SO SAD!
Lmao
I haven’t laughed so much in ages – oh that’s hilarious!
y u no tok nglis?
mak babi jesu kri :(((
Please, people. It’d be embarassing if you even realised you were doing it. The English, do not abuse it.
In the Real World, people won’t like musicians you like. Accept this and move on. Anastacia is, I’m sure, not offended that someone doesn’t like her music. After all, her huge piles of cash are doubtless a great comfort in these times of tribulation.
(And, er, I really doubt, Mr./Mrs. Luxxi, that PooterGeek likes Britney any more than Anastacia, who I, by the way, have never heard of before. Perhaps the assumption that he does says more about you than him?)
I think all those fans need a delegator who can speak on their behalf. They didn’t make a good case for their favorite artist.
Anyway, I’ve never heard of this woman, but I can practically sing along by the description you’ve given.
I think I nearly peed my pants with how funny and brilliant that interpretation is.
In particular:
I think the real perpetrator is that poodle-permed Captain Caveman lookalike who Tina Turner used to keep in a cage during her live show and let out occasionally to play sax solos.
Thanks, a friend pointed out this post, I just wanted to say thank you for being so observant and astute and hilariously funny. 🙂 I hope you don’t mind but I am going to pass this onto some other people i know would appreciate it.
Thank you, Tiffanie. Please do. As long as they are older than twenty-one and have never been to one of Ana’s shows.
Anastasia has always been shit, just because she developed a cancer suddenly everyone thinks she’s amazing. Bollocks to it, she’s bland, banal, insipid pop tosh aimed at people who don’t like music. Yeah, cancer is shit, but it doesn’t make you a better person by just having it.
“she has such a powerful voice” – so does Celine Dion, but that doesn’t make her any less of a whiney power-balladeer. Singing loudly does not equal singing well.
if u all renember im outta love, u will know, that it is one of the best dance songs of 2000
[…] This photo from my leaving do in Cambridge demonstrates the stunning effect on the ladeez of my spreading rumours about the size of my redundancy package: Jo, inventor of “Shouty Woman”, on the left Hot Wheels Helena on the right [click to enlarge] […]
Rydee you’re an idiot not to mention very cruel. For you people to be so literal, I don’t quite understand why you say someone is fecal matter when they are clearly made of flesh. Oh and I happen to be the one that will support the Anastacia Fans, since you think we are all a bunch of un-educated baffoons. Umm… also, what kind of name is “shouty woman?” To me, I think you need to come up with a better insult. I believe you are all jealous of her…
And just when Damian thought it was safe to crawl out of the sound-proof cell, he’s being aspirated by Anastacistas again…