9 August 2005
visits to PooterGeek: 12—v. good / silent phonecalls to D: 50—poor [caught out once and pretend to be Indian call centre operative; not v. convincing I fear]
How much longer can I go on living this lie? To the world I am their Domestic Goddess. To Charles I am his true love, his wife. To my children I am their doting mother. But I know in my heart that I am a wretched and broken thing without him. To think that we have never even met.
10 August 2005
time spent surfing Web for pictures of D: 1 hour—v. good / silent phonecalls: 7—excellent [got away with yesterday: before I hang up he always says, “Mum? Are the batteries going in the telephone base station again?”]
Another bad review for the new show. I just can’t bring myself to commit to it. If only D had a TV and I knew he was watching. Propose to producer that we liven things up with an OB from a Cambridge college. She is not impressed. Perhaps we can do a bioinformatics special edition?
11 August 2005
visits to PooterGeek: 28—quite good / silent phonecalls: 34—not good [he is out all day; hope he wasn’t with that little minx who helps him to choose his trousers]
Children complain about Fine Young Cannibals album on auto-repeat. Tell them I am reliving my youth. Decide to invent male online persona and engage D in vigorous debate at PooterGeek. Anything is better than this endless emptiness.
12 August 2005
visits to PooterGeek: 250—v. v. bad / silent phonecalls to D: 6—good [too busy on Internet]
D hasn’t written about me for so long. Charles, however, looks better for the tanning sessions I bought him, but again refuses to shave his head.
13 August 2005
visits to PooterGeek: 2—v. good / silent phonecalls to D: 0—v. v. good
What have I done? What have I done?! Get Siobhan from make-up and Gary from costume to disguise me as bag lady. Tell them it’s for a Christmas special. Take Cambridge Cruiser and station myself at nearest cashpoint to his flat. Have to pay existing pitch-holder twenty pounds! Wait all day. Eventually D appears! He is bigger in real life. Ask him for money. It takes three attempts before he hears me over his muttering to himself, but even his eye twitch is sexy. He speaks to me, apologises and says he has no cash, but offers me his collection of Subway sandwich tokens. I politely decline. Ten yards down the street, when it’s all I can do not to howl in despair, he turns back to me! Then he asks, “Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like Dawn French?”
This is clearly getting serious, D! Are you really bigger in real life? Bigger than what? I think the world should be told.
I know Nigella. Last time I saw her was while we were both in the waiting room for facials at Vashaily’s off Marylebone High Street. We had a conversation about, by sheer coincidence, the Israeli novelist Aharon Appelfeld who is profiled in today’s Observer. When early in her career, she worked in publishing, she was his editor.
Does any of that help?
Children complain about Fine Young Cannibals album on auto-repeat
ROAFLMAO – as they say in Anastacialand.
Damian, I am sorely tempted to email this to N herself. She’s got a good sense of humour, so I’m sure she wouldn’t call the cops.
Oh, Damian… how could you?
Never mind Nigella. What happened to the Rapunzel-lookalike you met while canvassing for Labour ?
All of which establishes without a shadow of a doubt that cyberstalking is a lesser offense than name dropping.
Why is everyone bosom buddies with Nigella Lawson except me?
Laban writes:
‘Never mind Nigella. What happened to the Rapunzel-lookalike you met while canvassing for Labour ?’
I gave PG tips on love and romance, but he made a monkey out of me.
v. v. pleased with new persona as Goddess of Domestic Sensuality. Not quite as pleased with Bridget Jones comparison but, hey, it could have been so much worse.
I once did some work for Nigella herself.I work for a building firm in North London and we had to do some extension work on her house.She’s unbelievably down to earth.She had a chat with all of us on our lunch hour most days.
We didn’t see her every day of course but when we did,everyone was happy;she’s a lovely lady.