More than once in the past month I have been accused of lacking imagination and/or tending toward the superficial in my feelings for Nigella Lawson. I’d like to take this opportunity of a lull in posting here to put on the record that I fancied her before pretty much everyone. Had I been aware of Nigella’s goddessness at the age of four, my feelings would have been stronger even than the strange and unrequited adoration of Camilla Gartmore from the year below at Godolphin and Latymer. I’m sure I’m not alone in confessing that it was Nigella’s fine mind that first entranced me—no Englishman with a love of his native tongue could resist her articles. Further, not having owned a television for years, I can honestly say that I still haven’t even seen Nigella do suggestive things with food on a TV screen. My devotion is pure.

I hope that this statement will now put an end to the slanders.