TRANSYLVANIAN NOBLEMAN FORCED TO ADMIT TO BEING BULLINGDON CLUB MEMBER MISSING FROM INFAMOUS PHOTOGRAPH: “I HAVE A STRICT ‘NO PICTURES’ RULE—AND DO NOT WISH TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH THE BULLINGDON CLUB’S TREATMENT OF WOMEN,” CLAIMS ANONYMOUS COUNT, 577.

AFRICA STAGES “HERRING AID” TO HELP NORTHERN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES COPE WITH CREDIT CRUNCH. BJÖRK TO APPEAR AT OPENING OF SIERRA LEONE CONCERT AND RIDE ELEPHANT ACROSS CONTINENT TO ARRIVE IN TIME FOR FINALE WITH PAUL MCCARTNEY IN SOMALIA.

PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN HOPES TO HAVE NEW GOVERNMENT LEGISLATION TO PROTECT HEAVILY INDEBTED CENTRAL LONDON RESIDENTS FROM BEING EVICTED FROM THEIR HOMES IN PLACE BY 2010.

PETER MANDELSON ENDS SILENCE OVER GEORGE OSBORNE AFFAIR: “MUAH-HA-HA HA HA, MUAH-HA HA HA! MUAH HA HA-HA HA!”

SCOLARI SACKED AS CHELSEA’S UNBEATEN HOME RECORD FALLS BEHIND TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR’S.

BUYER OF COUNTDOWN VORDERMAN’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT: “I’D LIKE 800 Ks OFF THE BOTTOM LINE PLEASE, CAROL.”