About half of the visitors to this site hand over a significant wedge of money annually to pay for their access to the marvellous products of the BBC. I don't because I don't have a television. If I did, however, I'd like to know where to write to complain about, say, my getting poor value for my money.

PooterGeek's exciting Web competition invites you to visit the BBC Website via the link I have just provided and obtain a postal address (that's snailmail, people) to which such a complaint could be addressed. As I wrote, you must enter at the top of their Web tree and find, in four clicks or fewer, real co-ordinates for the Beeb—including a postcode. You are not allowed to use Google or any other search engine, except the one provided by the BBC itself.

First person to send me a plausible page history (no revisionism, you sneaky bastards) wins my hand in marriage. You are not obliged to claim your prize; even without my love until death, the adoration of the millions here will, I am sure, be sufficient. Winning heterosexual male/homosexual female entrants get Maoi, a real-life Filipina bride. All entrants must be at least 18 years old or have attractive older sisters. The judge's decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into—unless you can find my postal address on the PooterGeek Website.

The comments are open. Let the games begin!