Good morning, chattels and infidels. On behalf of all of the team, welcome aboard this wide-bodied handcart from London Heathrow to Hell. Your flight has been the subject of a hostile, but successful, takeover bid by Intellectual Jihad. By co-operating with us in every way your inevitable demise could be postponed for anything up to an hour. In the meantime I’d like to take this opportunity to familiarise you all with the many facilities this soon-to-be-un-wingéd chariot of death has to offer and request that you pay close attention as we describe the procedures you should follow between now and your incineration.

In the rack in front of you, you will find censored copies of today’s Independent newspaper and Michael Moore’s Dude, Where’s My Integrity? which you can, if you wish, choose to read instead of listening to me. You are all going to die anyway. I realise that you were hoping that your journey would be somewhat less eventful, but you can take comfort that your deaths will go some way toward undermining the global hegemony of the last superpower.

Under your seat you will find explosive jackets. Please ensure that the suicide belt is fitted to any children before attaching your own. Belts should be worn whenever the “Zionist Oppressor” light is illuminated. Do not detonate the explosives until you are within the vicinity of civilians. Smoking is prohibited at all times up until your becoming an actual cinder—I mean, your crossing the threshold of Paradise.

Along the length of the cabin you will find various exits. On the Left these are labelled “Appeasement” and on the Right “Isolationism”. You are welcome to use one of these to leave the plane at any time between now and our collision with a symbol of godless Amerikkkan capitalism—may the homeland of the Great Satan be ground as a cockroach under the sandal of the Prophet.

In the event of your plight becoming the subject of media attention, oxygen-of-publicity masks will descend automatically from the panels above your head. You can use these to communicate your distress to your relatives and to BBC News 24. Please take care to ensure that you blame your suffering on the intransigence of the so-called leaders of the so-called coalition of the so-called willing. Failure to do so will result in the release of greenhouse gases into your lungs.

One of my colleagues will now demonstrate the brace position, which you should adopt in the event of your beheading…