Kylie Minogue appeals to me sexually like a bath of cold baked beans. No, I’m not into splosh. In her infamous cinema ad for Agent Provocateur underwear she undulates in said lingerie on the back of a bucking electric horse. The punchline is something about how the men in the audience should be too aroused by the end of her performance to be able to get up without being embarrassed by their erections. In my very limited experience Agent Provocateur’s little-bits-of-nothing are indeed the business when wrapping a real woman with a brain and a body, but considerably less effective (even well-lit) on a bland-as-tap-water stick insect. Sadly, she continues to play to the “SexKylie” persona invented for her, despite having all the mystery, allure, charisma, and real beauty of a lawnmower. That‘s what’s really embarrassing. And, as she gets older, it’ll get even more embarrassing.

Kevin Costner is similarly embarrassing when he tries to play a traditional action hero. When he plays a loser, though, he can be compelling. Tin Cup, for example, was an excellent comedy, with the added bonus of Rene Russo and a surprisingly sharp performance from Don Johnson. If you have Apple’s Quicktime Player installed you can watch Costner in a full downloadable preview scene from The Upside Of Anger. On paper I thought this was going to be tosh, custom built for the bitter ex-wife demographic, but this funny little clip suggests that it might turn out to be more interesting.