I bought a bed (well, two futon-sofas) yesterday. I haven’t put it together yet, but even sleeping on the mattress alone was a huge improvement on sleeping on the floor, where I developed a serious neckache and dreamt, amongst other strange things, about driving Santa’s sleigh—pulled by the usual reindeer, plus a fox.
While I was wrestling with option anxiety in the bed shop—if I see another fabric swatch I will have a seizure—I suggested to the nice young woman serving me that what the world needed was some kind of matchmaking agency to fix up people like me, (mainly men, I suspect) who find homemaking as interesting as grading gravel, with people who really cared about co-ordinating soft furnishings (probably mostly women). There wouldn’t be any sexual interaction between the parties; members of group 1 would simply hand over their chequebooks, a floorplan, and some Polaroids of the carpets to the respective members of group 2. It’d be like getting an interior designer in, but cheap. She rather liked this idea and was only too happy to pick out cushions in complementary shades while I figured out how I was going to fit everything in my poxy little hatchback.
Please email me if you are interested in helping me select dining room furniture, cutlery, napkins, and placemats because I could care less whether the motif on the knife-handles picks out the embossing on the blinds.
(Did you know that there’s a shop in Hove where all the bathroom cabinets on display are over £400 and the cheapest one they sell is £255? And they don’t even come round and fit the things! IKEA here I come.)
My God, this ‘Blog’s getting dull.
You are on to something Damian.
I was in IKEA last week buying a futon…..
I was trying to find a duvet cover that matched the same size duvet I had already put in my trolley and somewhat struggling. I also had the fear that I had forgotten something vital that I needed for a bed but hadn’t a clue what it was.
I’d been in the place for two hours already and was getting sick of it all and wanted desparately just to get the stuff, pay for it and get home.
Given IKEA staff tend to avoid any contact with customers, I went up to a random female shopper (well not entirely random to be honest…) and just asked her what I needed to do. In 15 minutes she had sorted out my trolley with all the bedclothing I needed – and she seemed to actually enjoy doing so.
So there you are. No there isn’t some Hugh Grant happy ending but you are right – women offering their services as furnishing advisors (Comfort Consultants?) to useless men would be a great business idea.
But would it be empowering or re-inforce gender stereotypes? 🙂
Damien
You’ve moved to Brighton. The place is full of gay men. Next time you go shopping make sure you are wearing your gay trousers. Helpful advice will come flowing your way …
But that is what happens, isn’t it? Try wandering down any average street at dusk just before the curtains are drawn? In how many of the rooms you see was the look chosen by the man of the household? Very few, I suspect. Just look at those curtains! I ask you!
Traditional patterns change in some respects but not in all. Your longing for a non-sexual female partner who will choose the colour-schemes, co-ordinate the furniture with the curtains and decide the precise configurations of the parquet flooring may easily be satisfied. You don’t need to get married, just invite a woman home and ask for tips. At this point you could propose marriage too, I suppose. You might as well.
Or you could call on Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and marry him instead.
Why don’t you put an ad in the local paper?
Single male, 30+ GSOH, enjoys long walks along the beach, movies, seeks woman to help choose furnishings for new house. Sex optional.
You’ll be married by the end of the year.
You have my sympathy. We are completing a redo of the first floor of our house. My challenge is there are really no decent furniture/decorating stores nearby. I did my decorating mostly from the internet but got many ideas (and websites) from magazines.
If I lived in Britain, I’d be happy to help. My advice is buy the necessities, fluff the rooms later.
Good luck.
I opted-out entirely by taking a furnished flat, so ideas like matching and coordinating can be dismissed with a hollow laugh. Besides, the nearest IKEA is in Croydon.
Damien, you could try Blatchington Road for furniture/fittings. It’s a bit of a “lifestyle-free” zone and perhaps that’ll make choosing easier. As an added incentive, go to the end of the road to spy your local Tory HQ. It’s the one with the Union Jack…
Damian, had you thought of trying the Brighton charity shops as a source of furnishings etc? I have got some brilliantly cheap high class lampshades etc at local Oxfams near Finchley. They are always full of crockery sets, high quality lined curtains etc. The trick is to find a charity shop used by the seriously affluent to offload their goodies.
I would be prepared to look out for stuff for you– even make a special trip to the most promising ones around Temple Fortune and St John’s Wood. But you’d have to be really specific about what you want. Alternatively, if you want a guided tour…. And that’s definitely not a cover for looking for marriage or anything more informal of that kind…
Wot! Cutlery, napkins, placemats!
I allus thowt it were a mistayk to let thee go to yon posh Oxford collidge!
I sed it’d gie thee ideas abuv thi stayshun, an it luks like tha’re proovin me reet!
Your motifs may be mixed, but I’m sure you’ll find the pouffe of your dreams.
I feel your pain, or ennui masquerading as such. When I returned to Cape Town alone and bought a house, it was the first time in many years I had to tackle all this stuff myself — the last time it was WE who spent many unhappy hours at Ikea in, I think Wembley.
The house came with slatted blinds so I didn’t bother to buy curtains. We have exactly the same look at work.
Now I have all black furniture fixtures and fittings, which makes it really simple: it can be black or black with green accents to match the lounge sofas, and that’s it. Oh, and chrome electrical stuff.
I wonder what my female visitors think? They’re too polite to say so obviously don’t want to take me in hand as it were. Alas.
Can you imagine ending up in a long-term relationship with someone like that Linda Barker (shudder)?
Mmm, Brighton has such lovely kitchen shops. England at Home is fab, if not cheap.
Seriously, I have a friend who does this kind of thing for her single male friends – if you would like a bit of assistance, she’d probably love to help.
England at Home is fab, if not cheap.
They even sell (gratuitous) Nigella Lawson measuring bowls and cups, plus some er, egg cups which look as though they belong to Nigella.
I’ll come visit you sometime soon if you like (when I’ve not got too much academic work pressuring me), and we can have a decorating weekend!
Why was your Dad posting in a “potteries” accent?
Hakmao, Nigella has Davis cups, not egg cups.
The nearest IKEA might be in Croydon, but that’s all of.. an hour’s drive.
IMOH the best thing you can do if you don’t know what you’re doing when it comes to furniture etc. is to go for the lightest colours you can find that are not actually pure white, because a few accessories can change the look completely later should you come to dislike it. Don’t get anything that’s trying to look like it’s made of something other than it is, and avoid plastic because the dust is horrendous. Hide your wiring. Men tend not to do this, yet the quickest way to make a room depressing is to have computer leads etc. trailing about.
One other thing – it’s really, really worth getting to know how to light a room. Really. The time spent mastering that is well worth it.
Well, I’m rather touched by all the help I’m being offered with my decor here. Thank you. I am going to struggle on with my muted autumnal tones and if I have any specific questions I’ll put them to the growing panel of expert PooterGeekers for their careful consideration.
Leasey wrote:
Thank you. That’ll be smashing.
That was Lancashire. He’s from Preston.
I think you may have found my vocation…
My sister notes:
Personally I think someone who writes ” I could care less whether the motif on the knife-handles picks out the embossing on the blinds.” knows more about this sort of thing than he cares to let on.
The decorating is irrelevant. The debate surely is whether it should be ‘I could care less…’ or ‘I couldn’t care less…’
Sincerely, a pedant.
I the young attractive girl, my favourite employment homemaking
There can be you mine soulmate?
Hmm. An attractive Russian girl wants me? I think she’s got the wrong blogger.