Sunday Saturday. I am in the TV room at the gym with three other men, watching the tense final minutes of the England-New Zealand Rugby Union thriller. We are hunched forward in our comfy chairs. One bloke has been shouting elaborate instructions throughout. Now we are all shouting. A woman walks in behind us, fresh from some form of aerobic activity.

“Ooh,” she says, “have they done their new haka yet?”

“Yes, a long time ago,” explains Mr Wannabe-Coach.

“Oh bummer,” she says, and leaves.

Anyway. The point of this post is to tell Hak Mao, new Kiwi immigrant to the UK, that the All Blacks are spawney cheating gits and to begin the call for the banning of Klingons from Earth rugby internationals.