NIGELLA: But it’s my favourite dress!

POOTERGEEK: Never mind, it’s only mayonnaise. Look, let me help you with that zip.

NIGELLA: Goodness, your fingers are cold. Here, I’ll warm them for you.

POOTERGEEK: That’s very kind, but your hands are full. Hey, don’t turn round. I’d almost got that thing… Oh. I see. Gosh. It looks like my hands are full as well, now…

MOBILE PHONE: Did-ddeeee didi-didi! Did-ddeeee didi-didi!

POOTERGEEK: Wha?! Whurrgh. [waking up] Ahhh shit.

[PG flaps around in the dark looking for his Nokia, finds it, and looks at the clock.]

POOTERGEEK: Christ what kind of time is this to… [slapping forehead and taking call] Hello?

TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Hi. Is that the Euston Manifesto?

POOTERGEEK: Yes, it is. How can I help you?

TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Hi, I’m Ephraim Niedorf. I read about your manifesto on the BBC Website and I’m really excited about it.

POOTERGEEK: That’s great. Have you signed?

TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Well, I agree with you on many issues, but I represent the Alliance for the Rescue of the Saskatchewan Elk and, as a lifelong elk conservationist, I couldn’t help noticing that your document takes no position on mankind’s decimation of wild deer populations.

POOTERGEEK: Well, ours is more of a general statement of principles than a comprehensive policy document.

TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Do you know anyone suffering from heart disease?

POOTERGEEK: Er, yes, I suppose I do.

TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: And do you realise that it is very likely that they are being treated with clot-busting drugs first isolated from the pancreas of the Alashan wapiti?

POOTERGEEK: Well, no, but. Er. Oh God