NIGELLA: But it’s my favourite dress!
POOTERGEEK: Never mind, it’s only mayonnaise. Look, let me help you with that zip.
NIGELLA: Goodness, your fingers are cold. Here, I’ll warm them for you.
POOTERGEEK: That’s very kind, but your hands are full. Hey, don’t turn round. I’d almost got that thing… Oh. I see. Gosh. It looks like my hands are full as well, now…
MOBILE PHONE: Did-ddeeee didi-didi! Did-ddeeee didi-didi!
POOTERGEEK: Wha?! Whurrgh. [waking up] Ahhh shit.
[PG flaps around in the dark looking for his Nokia, finds it, and looks at the clock.]
POOTERGEEK: Christ what kind of time is this to… [slapping forehead and taking call] Hello?
TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Hi. Is that the Euston Manifesto?
POOTERGEEK: Yes, it is. How can I help you?
TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Hi, I’m Ephraim Niedorf. I read about your manifesto on the BBC Website and I’m really excited about it.
POOTERGEEK: That’s great. Have you signed?
TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Well, I agree with you on many issues, but I represent the Alliance for the Rescue of the Saskatchewan Elk and, as a lifelong elk conservationist, I couldn’t help noticing that your document takes no position on mankind’s decimation of wild deer populations.
POOTERGEEK: Well, ours is more of a general statement of principles than a comprehensive policy document.
TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: Do you know anyone suffering from heart disease?
POOTERGEEK: Er, yes, I suppose I do.
TRANSATLANTIC VOICE: And do you realise that it is very likely that they are being treated with clot-busting drugs first isolated from the pancreas of the Alashan wapiti?
POOTERGEEK: Well, no, but. Er. Oh God…
This all reminds me of that thing Lennon said when he sent back his MBE – protesting about the wars in Biafra and Viet Nam and because “Cold Turkey” was slipping down the charts.
Look, if Nigella proves not to be avalable, would Julie Burchill do instead?
NIGELLA, growing bored with PG’s increasingly esoteric elk-based conversation, catches the number 5 to Hove where a certain gentleman is awaiting her, salivating and offering muffin galore!
Finger slipped. Oops, there I go again.
But I would avoid Charles Sattchi at any social event you are both at, if I were you!
I, too, was shocked by the absence of any reference to elk. Shocked and appalled, actually.
I signed anyway.
PooterGeek on Top…
[…] The Pootergeek is experiencing increasingly sweaty fantasies about the lovely Nigella. Tags:Asides […]
[…] In the comments of my previous posts, a compulsive objector, Daniel Davies, accidentally said something illuminating. He claimed to have used the word “pooterish” in his criticism of the document. The comic character who gave rise to this word believes his trivial existence to be of unrecognized but great significance. This running gag from Diary Of A Nobody is neatly inverted by the running gag here at PooterGeek these past few weeks: that the manifesto’s reception and perceived significance have been surreally out of proportion with my original intentions and with my sorry excuse for a life. I now live in a world where I find myself giving my shopping basket to someone behind the perfumes counter in Boots so I can take an international call from a journalist out in the street where the reception’s better, tilting my head sideways to keep the rain off my mobile; or turn down an invitation to an early-morning interview on BBC Radio 5Live because I’ve been up late the night before. […]