And now a perfect contrast from the grumpy copper:

“Alcohol plays a large part in my professional life, many people I meet are under it’s influence, and those who say they aren’t usually are. I heard the other day that Russian police officers simply hose down their drunks (with a high pressure hose) and release them back into the community, without referring them to any outside agency! Amazingly, consumption of alcohol seems to give people an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of the law, “You can’t do that!” is something I often hear from drunks as I arrest them for beating their mistresses, or damaging their neighbours’ property.

“Women are responsible for lots of crime. Indirectly of course, it’s their menfolk who do the crime, but it’s usually in the name of the women in their lives. When called to a domestic assault, I like to ascertain the facts in the following way:
“Did you hit her?”
“Basically, I really love her, but she just pushed me too far this time.”
“I see, so you didn’t really mean to do it.”
“No, I just lost it, I really love her.”
“So you say. Are you drunk?”
“Well, I’ve had a few.”
“So you’re a violent drunk?”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“And you’re under arrest.” Strike one for justice.
Returning to take the statement from the battered (and not in a fish and chips way) female, I ask penetrating questions:
“How long have you been together?”
“On and off for 18 months.” (It’s always “on and off” in these cases).
“Has he always been violent towards you?”
“Yes, pretty much.”
“And at what point did you decide he would make an ideal father for your child?”
“Well it just sort of happened.”

“So there it is: beer, women and insanity. Next time: drugs.”