Many Americans see in Tony Blair the leader they cannot elect. Many also feel the same way about Arnold Schwarzenegger and are campaigning to make it possible for California’s “Governator” or any naturalized citizen meeting certain requirements to be permitted to become their president (subject to the other usual conditions). At least one commentator here is suggesting that Boris Johnson might be the man whose leadership could save the UK Conservative Party. Only PooterGeek can join the dots…

[SCENE: The White House Oval Office. The President sits at his desk peering through his reading glasses at a report on Syria. He jumps out of his chair as a cricket ball flies through an open doorway and bangs against the hardened glass behind him, setting off an alarm. Secret Service men bound into the room, shield him with their bulk, and point their sidearms in all directions.]

POTUS [wearily]: It’s alright, fellas. Well, it’s as alright as it can ever be around here these days.

[The Secret Service men remain in place and train their guns on the unkempt figure galumphing towards the office. The President rolls his eyes upward.]

VP: Bloody hell, Tones! You were lucky there. That was one of my best on drives.

Secret Service Man [into neck microphone]: All personnel, stand down. There is no threat. Repeat: there is no threat. Stand down.

POTUS: Boris! This really has got to stop. You are deputy to the most powerful office on the planet. It’s time you took your responsibilities with the seriousness they deserve. And, given that my heart’s not what it used to be, that “nuclear briefcase at the dinner party” stunt of yours is just not funny any more.

VP [under breath]: Bloody St John’s girly swot.

POTUS: Boris!

[A small boy bounds in, grinning from ear to ear.]


Leo: Didn’t you catch the ball, daddy? Uncle Boris would have caught it.

POTUS: Leo, I’ve told you not to encourage your Uncle Boris. Y’know, he has a very important job to do.

VP [stage whisper]: About as important as appearing on Have I Got News For You.

POTUS: Leo, go to your room—and stay there.

Leo: But, Daddy, Uncle Boris said I could hide in his hair and play “Scare The Head of State” at the reception tonight!

POTUS [doing his best to hide his irritation]: Go, Leo. I have to have a Serious Talk with your Uncle Boris.

Leo [stretching up to VP’s ear and whispering]: Will you do an impression of daddy’s Serious Talk for me later, Uncle Boris? Will you?

VP: Er, [looks nervously at The President], er. I’ll see you later Leo. You go and practise that throw I showed you.

VP [trying to look cuddly]: Tony. Mate. Geezer. Pal. We both know what you’re going to say, but we both jolly well know what the problem is: I’m just so bloody bored. Christ, Tony, have you ever had to visit Ohio?! They don’t call those bits in the middle the fly-over States for nothing… You won’t even let me edit The Spectator any more.

POTUS: You weren’t elected to edit The Spectator. You weren’t elected to be interested.

[The phone rings.]

POTUS: Oh, what is it now?

POTUS [answering phone]: President Blair!

[The VP sidles out of the room.]

Compressed Voice of Aide: Sir, I think you may be required to make an urgent statement.

POTUS: Don’t beat about the bush, Joan. What’s going on?

Compressed Voice: It’s Secretary of State Schwarzenegger. I’m sure he was joking, but unfortunately the microphone was open.

POTUS: Mother of Mary. Tell me the worst.

Compressed Voice: [whispers]

POTUS: He said we’re going to annexe where?!

[An Aide bursts into the Oval Office.]

Aide: Mr President! I have the Austrian Ambassador in the lobby. He wants to discuss surrender terms.

[The President glances up at the Aide and glances back at the receiver. His face brightens.]

POTUS: Boris!

VP [from the next room]: Wotcher, Anthony!

POTUS: Do you have any German?!