If the worst came to the worst, you would, of course, stamp on the head of that annoyingly talented and inquisitive Pakistani girl who helps her mother out in the local corner shop, but luckily you don’t have to resort to direct violence to keep the little oik out of those places at Oxbridge you have earmarked for Olivia and Ben—because your parents and your husband are pretty well-off.
Sadly, they aren’t sufficiently rich to support a completely private education for your angels; and, although everyone says your children are bright, they aren’t quite bright enough to get that full scholarship. We at Mitsibushi understand this. It is with your family’s relative affluence and your children’s special needs in mind that we have designed the Mitsubishi MotherFucker.
Three storeys high with a 47-litre fuel-injected diesel engine, the MoFo is the all-terrain vehicle that carries its own terrain on the school run. Simply drive the MoFo into the catchment area of a good city academy and put Olivia and Ben’s names down on the waiting list. Why bother renting a room in a property near the school when the MoFo is bigger than most of the properties anyway? And you can park it anywhere you like.
The MoFo’s driving position is so elevated that only office workers in high-rise blocks can see you. In the past, when your thoughtless driving caused serious injury, you probably felt obliged at least to make a fake-apology wave out of the driver’s side window in the vague direction of the spasming victim. The MoFo renders even that gesture completely superfluous.
The MoFo comes complete with its own oil refinery, saving you the challenge of aligning your vehicle so that it prevents others from using two pumps at the garage while you loiter in the forecourt shop, browsing Harper’s.
The MoFo’s as-standard handsfree kit allows you to release the steering wheel completely, so that you can hold your mobile to talk to your husband in Frankfurt and pluck your eyebrows simultaneously, while this state-of-the-art vehicle negotiates complex roundabouts on its own—by simply crushing them under its tracks.
And if it’s big enough to skip over that mound of municipal greenery, you can be sure speed bumps are as pimples beneath the monstertruck wheels of Mitsubishi’s latest. Drive as fast as you like through traffic calming—and even accelerate past speed cameras. The MoFo’s side-mounted chainsaws deploy instantly in response to GPS signals, slicing through the uprights of gatsos—and (for you celebrity yummy mummies) the legs of paparazzi—with aplomb.
The MoFo Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry.
Not that you were going to.