Science fiction nerds might remember Umpty Candy, the confection that tasted so good its sale had to be prohibited and inventor blasted into space where the secret recipe inside his head could no longer be accessed. You probably know that I cannot speak of “organic” foods or “Fairtrade” products without a pair of sneer quotes to hand, but Green & Black’s milk chocolate is the ichneumon larva to my natural theology, the Lithia to my Catholic dogma. The many (women) who complain that I can work away at my computer with a small bar of chocolate at my elbow, its wrapper unmoved, the contents half-eaten for days at last know revenge. This is my Umpty Candy.