I have been feeling so cut off without broadband that I’ve been paying to read The Guardian recently. By way of atonement I have once-again applied PooterGeek’s patented Future News technology to bring you the best of next week’s editions of that proud organ—so you don’t need to buy it.

The Silencing Of The Damned

Madeline Bunting goes behind Hollywood’s demonisation to meet the man and paint an intimate portrait of scholar and gourmet Hannibal Lecter. In our homogenized, franchised, fast food world, just what is the neo-conservative beef with the centuries-old, alternative lifestyle choice that is cannibalism? Are our ethnocentric objections to this traditional and ecologically aware practice simply an echo of our missionary past?

Kellymandering

We reveal shocking suppressed government statistics showing that, because of the improved inner-city educational environment in the government’s so-called City Academies, previously working-class children are gaining entry to better universities and graduating to become middle-class Conservative voters—in the process often displacing the home-tutored offspring of Guardian readers working in oversubscribed Hampshire state schools, as well as those of other Lib Dem-voting public service employees. Are these new Cons the new neo-cons?

Giulianistan

Gary Younge is mugged by a person of colour in New York, begs on his knees not to be shot, and then asks if black-on-black, American-on-English violent streetcrime is the ultimate ground-level expression of Blair’s submission to the apartheid neo-con project.

Nnnhm, Nnnhm, Mnn, Mnnh!

Following her record-breaking series of columns in which she has welded her own unsupported assertions to snippets of House of Commons’ gossip and Guardianista givens without ever once resorting to facts, reason, or independently verifiable data of any kind to make her case, Jackie Ashley is handed a vibrator by Seumas Milne, who then simply transcribes the sounds she makes while masturbating.

Death-Roy

Having ingested one final waffer-thin sliver of bitterness at the continuing march of the New Labour project and its leaders’ concomitant indifference to his incoherent carping thereon, Roy Hattersley explodes. Peter Preston asks, “Why are only nations who, like Britain, have signed up fully to the neo-con agenda permitted by the United States to develop exploding politician technology?”

A New Korea In Journalism

Ian Mayes, the Readers’ Editor, takes the tally in our ongoing “neo-con” versus “neocon” poll and continues to wade through your flood of letters about our new regular opinion columnist Kim Jong-Il. Should his by-line refer to him as “Dear Leader” or “Supreme Commander”?