Hi. I’m Saddam Hussein. You might remember me from my worldwide hits Massacre At Halabja, Gulf War I, and Gulf War II.
I’m here to tell you about custard, Bird’s™ Custard—The Choice of Despots™.
[Raises pack to camera stiffly. Walks along featureless metal corridor towards prison kitchen, but slowly because his ankles are chained together.]
[Looking sideways at camera:] You know, a lot of people say to me: “Sit down, Mr Hussein! Respect the authority of this court!”
And I say to them, “Where is my Bird’s™ Custard?”
When you’re dealing with a packed schedule like mine—squinting at the Koran, shouting incoherently, complaining about the room service, being accused of crimes against humanity by terrified old peasant women—you really feel the need at the end of a day to kick back with a pie and maybe pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with an old friend.
It’s at times like that, that a hip and groovy jailbird like me yearns for the authentic home-cooked taste of Bird’s™ Custard.
[Close-up of stage custard being poured over a slice of stage apple pie. A metal file protrudes from the crust.]
VOICEOVER: “Thicker than George W Bush, richer than Yassir Arafat, yellower than a cowed tyrant—Bird’s™ Custard is truly the rightful ruler of dessert toppings.”
[A lookalike scoops up a mouthful with a spoon and swallows it lip-smackingly.]
Mmm! Defeat never tasted so good!
[Final pack shot next to close-up of Hussein’s face.]
Bird’s™ Custard: right now, I’d kill for some.
Don’t Birds do porridge as well?
“squinting at the Koran”
I’m sorry, PG, but I don’t think you can actually say that anymore without running the risk of inciting religious hatred and various unacceptable forms of intolerance etc. etc.
I’d just like to say that all this picking on Saddam Hussein is all well and good now he’s safely ensconced in a luxury cell in the Hague but I don’t remember anyone making such a fuss when he was providing a valuable bulwark against exactly the kind of sectarian killing/suicide bombing/anti-western imperialism etc. that is now running rampant in the ‘liberated Iraq’. Just because that Norman Johnson gets a big stiffy whenever he bigs ups Tony’s war doesn’t mean the rest of you sad failed-peaceniks have to act the big laddo too…
Still, I’d fecking shag his daughter, Michal – wouldn’t you?:
I like Birds(TM) custard. The original kind is better than the instant type though. I just can’t manage to make “proper” custard without the lumps….
[…] I do a spoof in-prison Saddam Hussein custard endorsement and within days the Guardian is reporting that Saddam’s tailor can’t keep up with the demand for his courtroom “look”. I write a fake Guardian article complaining about better educated students graduating to vote Tory and the same newspaper follows it up by reporting on hardening attitudes towards welfare amongst graduates. […]