GEORGE GORRAWAY MP: Yes, m’lud. That is indeed myself, naked before one of the sons of the Rightful Ruler of that noble yet tragically violated Arab nation, attempting to excite his flaccid member by gently stroking its tip with my moustache whiskers, whilst simultaneously drowning two screaming Kurdish orphan children below the surface of the crude oil filling the inflatable garden pool in which I am kneeling. But the comedy antlers that appear to be attached to my head in that photograph were added later by means of digital manipulation with a computer software such as Photoshop!

ROLAND BUTTOCK QC: Members of the jury, at this point I would like you to pay close attention to Exhibit F: one pair of comedy antlers, festooned with decoratively folded Quality Street™ chocolate wrappers. Mr Gorraway, have you ever seen these antlers before today?

GEORGE GORRAWAY MP: I have not, sir.

ROLAND BUTTOCK QC: Have you ever worn these antlers?

GEORGE GORRAWAY MP: I have not, sir.

ROLAND BUTTOCK QC: I realise that this may seem an unusual and undignified thing to require of you in full view of this court, but could I ask you, Mr Gorraway, to place these comedy antlers upon your head?

GEORGE GORRAWAY MP: If it pleases the court, m’lud, I will do my best.

[THE CLERK hands the antlers to GORRAWAY. GORRAWAY perches them on his head. Within in seconds, however, they begin to slide off.]

ROLAND BUTTOCK QC: Members of the jury, as I am sure you can see, the addition of such accessories to the fine, dare I say “gorgeous”, brow of the Right Honourable gentleman immediately robs him of a vital fraction of the seriousness and, dare I say, “respect” with which we, as members of the public, would normally credit him.

It is clear that by attempting to associate Mr Gorraway with such headgear, the editorial staff of the Torygraph newspaper sought to diminish Mr Gorraway’s stature, both within his constituency, where he does so much important work for the local community; and in the wider world, where he is so prominent a statesman.

As you cannot fail to have noticed, the antlers do not fit.

[There are gasps in the court.]

GEORDIE VOICEOVER: It looks like George might have yet again completed his challenge successfully.

ROLAND BUTTOCK QC: If the antlers do not fit, you must acquit! I mean, in the face of such a compelling demonstration of the falsity of this once-trusted newspaper’s reports, I contend that you have no choice but to find against The Torygraph and for the plaintiff, Mr Gorraway.

No further questions, m’lud.