Following Britain’s torrid summer of sporting failure, the organising committee has radically revised the programme for the 2012 Olympics. Here, in alphabetical order, are the new events you’ll be able to enjoy:

  • Binge Drinking
  • Camp
  • Cat Blogging
  • Connery Imperschonating
  • Crazy Golf
  • Croquet
  • Doggy Paddle
  • Druidism
  • English Rules Schadenfreude
  • Extreme Ironing
  • Extreme Irony
  • Fencing (And Decking)
  • Freestyle Queuing
  • 10K Funny Walk
  • Gentle Comedy
  • Getting A Mardy On
  • Happy Slapping
  • Hating The English
  • Humanitarian Military Intervention
  • Hunt Sabotage
  • Knock-And-Run
  • Line Dancing
  • Ludo
  • Modern Pentathol
  • Monkey Tennis
  • Morris Dancing
  • Municipal Gardening
  • Nordic Knitting
  • Office Politics
  • Pluck
  • Pocket Billiards
  • Pudding
  • Registering A Complaint
  • Self-Deprecation
  • Synchronized Swinging
  • Tonsil Hockey
  • Txt Msging