I admit that I have, in the past, given my readers the impression that the more genteel half of Brighton & Hove is a sleepy, geriatric, upper-middle-class, conservative place. Indeed, one resident commented here:
After all the effort I’ve put into making Hove sound like the hipper and more cosmopolitan sista of Brighton, you’re making us sound like coffin-dodging, powder-wearing Eastbourne.
In the interests of balance I have been collecting stories revealing the gritty, urban underside of the home of the Alan Titchmarsh fan club, and share them with you today. For example:
In the face of such criminal activity, some Hove residents have gone to extraordinary lengths to protect their disabled identification:
But there’s no limit to the desperation of the town’s crack-crazed gang-bangers:
You’d think there’d be some peace to be found in an English garden, but, such is the growing global warming eco-threat, no refuge is untouched:
And today’s tale from the scarred centre of the post-apocalyptic, Bladerunner-like sprawl that is the south coast of England adds sex to the mix:
With the interests of the thoughtful public uppermost in my mind, I somehow managed to isolate a safe-for-work still from the opening of the perpetrator’s latest erotic video, Horlicks II: Rest Home Nights:
[UPDATE: The last story is, as you would expect, written up in the newspaper in a way that combines tabloid cliché, hypocritical lip-smacking salaciousness, and deep sexism—quite possibly by a female journalist.]
Many years before you were born my loving parents would sometimes take my sister and me to Hove for a nice day at the seaside. But we were never allowed to stray along the promenade into Brighton where who knows what went on. I recall that the tarmac changed colour at the border from a tasteful black to a raunchy red (does it still?) so we would’ve been unable to play the ‘we didn’t realise’ card.
But I’m pleased to see that some standards are being maintained. The “glamorous blonde” used an “ornamental dagger” – in Brighton I guess a kitchen knife would’ve sufficed?