Celebrities

07Jan08 — 2

Metamorphoses

Apparently there exists an entity known as “Kate Lawler”, who won Big Brother and has since become a club DJ. For an organism in the contemporary UK celebrity ecosystem, the next three stages of development are as follows: [Big Brother winner → club DJ →] chick lit writer → Conservative MP → Alien Queen

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20Sep07 — 2

José Mourinho: Villa’s Part In His Downfall

Ironically, I was in José Mourinho’s country of birth when Aston Villa beat Chelsea 2–0 so I didn’t write another one of these. Looks like it helped push “the Special One” over the edge: The BBC understands the impasse between Mourinho and [Chelsea FC owner Roman] Abramovich came to a head after their 2–0 defeat […]

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20Aug07 — 0

That Post-Match Voicemail In Full

[SVEN-GÖRAN ERIKSSON’s BEDROOM. The former England coach lies cradled in one arm of NANCY DELL’OLIO. As she bends her face over his shiny pate, he adds another tick to his “To Do” list next to the words “have sex” and below the phrases “polish glasses” and “Portuguese lesson”.] SVEN: Nancy, my love-bagel, it iss now […]

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25Jul07 — 1

Character Development

Dismissing David Cameron and his gang as “toffs” is feeble, but I’ve noticed a few commentators refining that line lately. The Spectator blog points at Trevor Kavanagh, Political Editor of The Sun—there’s a job—claiming that the workrate of the Cameroonies compares unfavourably with that of either the Blairites or Brownites (as recounted by Alastair Campbell), […]

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16Jul07 — 6

Giving Cinema-Goers The Heebie-BDs

You’re watching a movie and Bruce Dern: or Brad Dourif: appears on screen. What’s your next thought? “Oh he’s going to turn out to be a sympathetic, mentally stable, all-round mensch of a character.” “Hey, here’s Uncle B: twenty-four-hour party person and master of benign slapstick!” “If, some time before the end of this reel, […]

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10Jul07 — 4

Bald Eagleton

I write short posts. Much goes unsaid. I often write ironically. Some subjects are better approached that way; or it’s just more fun for me to tackle them sideways. What I do say, I say in plain English in the hope that my words at least are clear to everyone who reads them. Reading Norm […]

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09Jul07 — 2

Bitches From Hell

I’ve observed before that there are good reasons to criticise Cherie Blair, but it’s revealing that those aren’t the reasons why most people in the media criticise her. It’s worse than that: they hate her—and for the oldest human reason of all: she’s “not one of us”. Cherie Booth was a poor north-of-England Catholic girl […]

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05Jul07 — 4

Dave The Rave

I listened to Gordon Brown’s first Prime Minister’s Questions as actual Prime Minister yesterday. If you put the substance of the “debate” aside (as the laws of contemporary British journalism require all commentators to do) then David Cameron made Gordon Brown sound a bit rickety. The good thing for our democracy is that, before most […]

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18Jun07 — 6

Geek Rock

Last week, Steve Wright interviewed Paul McCartney on BBC Radio 2. At one point, Wright asked him about his latest single. The track is exactly what you would expect of Lord Macca of Loch Kodak: completely insubstantial and terminally catchy. It’s called Dance Tonight. It’s about how everybody is going to dance tonight—and have a good time, […]

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06Jun07 — 2

Mentally Unstable Man Attempts To Board Popemobile

The 80-year-old Bavarian, who has suffered a number of strokes, believes himself to be God’s representative on Earth and participates daily in what he and his followers claim is a cannibalistic blood ritual, during which they eat the flesh of a centuries-dead carpenter and travelling quack doctor. Officers have returned him to the high-security accommodation […]

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05Jun07 — 5

Einstürzende Neubauten

In The Ipcress File, Michael Caine plays Harry Palmer, a British intelligence operative. He is deprived of sleep and exposed to loud repetitive noises by enemy agents trying to break his will, erase his memory, and make him believe that he is a traitor. His defensive mantra in the film—“My name is Harry Palmer”—was, like […]

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04Jun07 — 0

Singular Sensation

Foolishly allowing himself to be provoked by the skeptical taunts of Professor Cho the experimentalist, Professor Hawking chooses the annual NASA barbecue as the occasion to collect on one of his bets.

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29May07 — 2

Grey Matters

You expect celebrity kids to grow up into adults with dependencies; you expect 80s pop stars to turn into casualties: Gary Coleman, Michael Jackson, Jason Donavan; Adam Ant, Whitney Houston, Billy Mackenzie, Billy Idol, MC Hammer, Stuart Adamson… But the phenomenon that scares me is that of the thirtysomething swashbucklers of my youth—then celebrated for […]

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24May07 — 0

Missing The Point

I had to go into London yesterday morning. Before I set off, I foolishly put on The Today Programme while I was in the shower. As I’ve said here before, John Humphrys’ encounters with politicians raise my blood pressure, not because his aggressive questioning succeeds in exposing the lying lies of lying liars, but because […]

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30Apr07 — 0

Attack Of The Man-Eating Stick Insects

It seems my former employers have funded research into an amazing new drug: Scientists are developing a pill which could boost women’s libido and reduce their appetite. The hormone-releasing pill has so far only been given to female monkeys and shrews who displayed more mating behaviour and ate less. The team from the Medical Research […]

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07Apr07 — 0

Hands Across The Ocean

Hi, Knut. Jerry here. Yeah, I’m afraid it is kinda bad news again. Look, I gotta be honest with you: Pixar have nixed the whole project. No, it wasn’t your fee—though I gotta say they thought the spec you were demanding for your Winnebago was, er, “unusual”. You really wanna know? Hey, don’t take this […]

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23Mar07 — 6

Mr White

[BERLIN: A Luxury Executive Premium polar bear enclosure. KNUT relaxes on a Le Corbusier recliner carved out of rock, doing bicep curls with a protesting baby seal clutched in his fist] KNUT: [into Bluetooth headset] Ya, Jerry, the death threat was the clincher, man. Mom rejects me, bro’ rejects me, then “Big bad animal rights […]

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19Feb07 — 4

Intensive Care

Over the past few years, both here and elsewhere, I have from time to time suggested that Robbie Williams is an individual of limited talent whose output has consisted mainly of hamfisted pastiche, northern English karaoke of the sort that belongs alongside the deliberately lighthearted performances of stand-up comedian Peter Kay rather than next to […]

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04Feb07 — 6

And Another

I don’t have a TV, but that doesn’t mean I don’t watch it. Having trained myself out of treating television broadcasts as audiovisual wallpaper, whenever I visit friends or relatives and there’s a TV on in the background I have to make a huge effort not to be hypnotized by it. The main reason I […]

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18Jan07 — 11

M Night Shyamalan’s Signs Of Sense In The Unbreakable Global Village

[A New England meadow. A delicately beautiful Indian woman in a simple smock dress picks daisies with which to decorate her hair.] INDIAN WOMAN [singing to herself as she gazes into the forest beyond]: “बिछड़े अभी तो हम, बस कल परसों,” “जियूँगी मैं कैसे, इस हाल में बरसों?” “मौत न आई, तेरी याद कयों आई?” […]

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22Dec06 — 3

Panic At The 80s Disco

According to ITVNews the somewhat erratic former superstar and object of Osama’s lust Whitney Houston “is convinced that the 21-year-old [X-Factor TV talent show winner Leona] will be an international superstar and has even offered to mentor her.” Sister, you need Whitney Houston as a mentor like you need Michael Jackson as a babysitter.

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18Dec06 — 1

Clued’oh

But I’ll believe almost anything of the world of the media. Read the tale of OJ and Judith and Rupert before it disappears behind the New York Times‘ subscription wall.

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05Dec06 — 4

Overheard In New York

Someone at Harry’s Place comments that Until now, I thought Gwyneth Paltrow was Welsh.” which reminds me of being in a video rental store in NYC in the late 90s with a local. An old Tom Jones song starts playing. “Well, I never,” says I to my native companion in my conspicuously British way, “This […]

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