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Englishness

Yah!

A while back I linked to Saturday Night Live‘s excellent “Narnia Rap”, Lazy Sunday. Via An Englishman In New York, I have now experienced Britain’s response to this online hit: Lazy Sunday UK: We Drink Tea. [Requires Macromedia Flash Player.] Unlike the US original, the rapping is painfully inept, but I think that’s the point. […]

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And The Tabs Lost Again. Nerr.

Kerron came in for some stick the other day for describing the result of “The” Boat Race as: “Some Toffs beat Some Other Toffs, Ra!” It is perhaps a bit harsh. You’d have to extend the definition of “toffs” from “members of the aristocracy” to “members of the ruling classes” or “tall blokes whose parents […]

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Holy Shit

How politically correct is Brighton? I’ll tell you. This local Gospel choir’s Website carries the following warning to those aspiring to join it: Although we are a non denominational [sic], some of the songs taught do include religious references i.e. Jesus/Lord. However we wish to emphasise our aim is merely to celebrate the style of […]

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Non-Crazed England Football Editorial Shocker

After yesterday’s World Cup draw, some boring sense about England’s prospects from football365: It is worth stating something that is blindingly obvious and yet often overlooked in the hysteria surrounding the national team: England’s peaks may be depressingly even, but the troughs have been negligible for many years now. Since Sven-Goran Eriksson took over, the […]

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Rugged Defiance

[HARRISON FORD is dressed in an expensive suit. It is crumpled from his being forced to sit on the floor, tied to a pipe in a stainless steel room full of hi-tech equipment. POOTERGEEK enters. He is wearing a collarless grey jacket and matching trousers and carrying a fluffy white CAT. He is not sure […]

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Well Known Unknown Old Etonians

There’s a boring article about Eton College, Britain’s most famous independent (that is fee-charging—or perhaps that should be fee-fixing) school, in today’s Guardian. Like most of the recent boring articles in the press about Eton, it begins with the question of whether or not, since the inverted snobbery of the Thatcher era washed through the […]

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Soft Southern Pulses

Yesterday I treated myself to a lunch of cod and chips from an eat-in/takeaway fish and chip shop in Brighton. I ate in. Having taken my order, the guy serving asked me if I wanted anything else. Nervously I requested mushy peas—a delicacy that only those living north of the Irony Curtain* truly understand. Amazingly, […]

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Gutted

Living in my disconnected bubble as I am at the moment, I managed somehow to become convinced that the England-Argentina “friendly” was today. So I stayed in yesterday evening and continued to sort through three years of photographic, prints, negatives, and scans. Par-tee! Even if I didn’t see it, it’s nice to know that one […]

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Girlz In The Hoodie

No time to ‘Blog properly today. [Insert your own joke about the current quality of PooterGeek here.] So I’ll just make one observation about the Guardian, because it’s a quick and easy way of filling space. There’s a piece (in G2?) today about how the Women’s Institute is shedding its mumsy, Home Counties, jam-making image […]

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Sven Speaks

“Yes-erh, well-erh, I’m erhfraid we in Englanddd feerhl that-erh Austrierh arerh not yet-erh ready to be admitteddd to full-erh memberrrship of therh Worlddd Cup-erh Finalss. I’ddd alsso like to take thisss opp-erh-tunity to say ‘Heh‘. “By therh way, I very much lik-erh what you herhf done with yerh hair, young lady. Woulddd you be ffree […]

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Trainspotting. Really.

During the 80s, despite my father’s tribal loyalties lying further north, the Counsells had family membership of Leicestershire County Cricket Club. We would take a picnic and sit next to the sight screens. My mum fell in love with David Gower because he batted like a young god and his hair, curly and flashed with […]

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Usage And Abusage

Ten products routinely used in ways which expressly contradict their accompanying instructions or break English law: cotton wool buds—“Do not insert into the ear canal…” King-Size Rizla cigarette papers—did you know that the green Rizla papers with the corners cut off are for blind smokers? blank CD-Rs—“Obtain the permission of the copyright holder…” phallic vibrating […]

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Off His Back

You don’t have to be an Aston Villa supporter—or even a football fan (not that the two things are necessarily related)—to appreciate the miserable poetry of this eBay item description. It’s of a Villa away shirt dating from about a year after I could last reliably name all the members of the first team. [via […]

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The Negative Equity Show

Yet another reason why I am glad I don’t have a television set is that there is no chance I will have to watch financially illiterate debt-pushers peddle their poison in my living room. These people are destroying young lives. If I had bought a place to live when I moved to Cambridge to start […]

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Choice Quotes

Glenn McGrath: “I think I was saying 3-0 or 4-0 about 12 months ago, thinking there might be a bit of rain around. But with the weather as it is at the moment, I have to say 5-0.” Jeff Thomson: “England will lose the five-Test series 3-0 and the margin will be worse for them […]

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With Apologies To Monty Python

[Dull bell tolls. Ominous music plays. A young man dressed in black, carrying a rucksack and wearing a baseball cap approaches the entrance of a charming extended split-level end-of-terrace in Crouch End. He knocks heavily at the door.] CHARLIE: [answering the door]: Yes? Oh. Right. Have you brought a takeaway? Sorry about that. I should […]

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The Tebbit Test

Cambridge Sony Shop. Saturday. Your host, Damian “Ebony’n’Ivory” Counsell, and a Sony employee of south Asian descent who’s darker than a sideboard are wincing at the fall of cheap England wickets in their second innings. Mr Sony even goes off on one about a particularly shoddy piece of umpiring in the Aussies’ favour. Meanwhile, all […]

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Life And Death In Daily Mail World

Okay, so this post links to an article in the Telegraph, but work with me here. Celebrity newsreader and reality TV ballroom dancer Natasha Kaplinsky has had some difficulty selling her house. This fact opens a piece about other nice middle-class people [British definition] trying to flog their own or their parents’ respective gaffs in […]

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Nice Distinctions

British elites have been inventive and subtle in preserving their advantages. Their most important achievement has been to tilt Britain towards meritocracy and then restrict access to the means by which citizens can prove their “merit”. Those amongst the rich and connected who fancy themselves as progressives have played into the hands of the most […]

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Yeah, But

One of the many reasons why it would have been satisfying to beat Australia in the first cricket Test at Lord’s is that they and their supporters are not just bad losers, but worse winners. Anyway, though we may field like astigmatics, Aussies are still crap at comedy.

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“That’s Not A Knife. This Is A Knife.”

An American correspondent wrote to me yesterday to say nice things about PooterGeek. In his email he confessed to being puzzled about certain aspects of British culture as presented on these pages. For example, he couldn’t get his head round the idea that people in this country would be embarrassed to go out and buy […]

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Not The Done Thing

I only discovered the satire site Social Scrutiny earlier this week. Here’s a good one from a “report” on Tuesday about the doomed Beagle 2 space probe: “Beagle 2 – too ‘irredeemably British to succeed’, according to report. ESA Departmental Head, Dirk Porn pointed to what he called “The Henman Effect” to explain the Mission’s […]

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Not Cricket

While I’m on the subject of The English Way of doing things, here’s a reflection upon former England cricket captain Nasser Hussain’s retirement. A photo of him playing is captioned “Nasser Hussain: changed England’s culture of defeatism” We wish.

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