PooterGeek brings you extracts from the government's new terrorist advice pamphlet.

[Requirements: tin buckets, plastic bags containing sufficient sand to half-fill each receptacle]

Distribute the buckets around your home at points located near news sources. At the first indication that you might be exposed to threats to your way of life from self-proclaimed genocidal extremists insert your head into the nearest bucket and pour the contents of the bag down the back of your neck into the bucket until all remaining space in the container has been filled.

[Requirements: white adhesive tape, posters]

If war is declared against a murderous dictator, apply the tape diagonally from corner to corner of each window in your house, in each case using it to secure in place a poster bearing the legend “Not In My Name” or “50 000 DEAD?”.

[Requirements: placard, TV camera crew]

If, during the liberation of oppressed coloured people, you find it necessary to draw the attention of the authorities to the intense personal suffering this is causing you, do not deploy distress flares. Instead, walk out into a city street to a designated assembly point and raise aloft a banner carrying the words “BUSH=HITLER”. Media outlets will send help immediately.

[Requirements: transistor radio]

Otherwise stay indoors and listen to BBC Radio 4. If four days go by without John Humphrys denouncing the war then you must assume that London has been lost to a nuclear attack.