In an effort to keep PooterGeek ahead of the rest of the 'Blogging competition I bring you a new feature: “Pooter's Futures”—stories obtained anything up to twelve months in advance using tachyon-based Web time-travel technology.

Arafat Kidnapped By Arafat

Following his refusal to accept his own resignation as Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat today took himself hostage. He has released photographs to the media in which he is seen brandishing a copy of The Ramallah Echo in one hand and a hacksaw in the other. Speaking through a megaphone from his compound, he threatened to behead himself “or someone of very similar build” if Israel did not take down the West Bank security fence. He said he would then release the video to the Internet the moment working drivers for his graphics card became available. Claiming simultaneously that his martyrdom would inspire the Palestinian people to rise up to overthrow the Zionist Entity and that he sadly regretted that he had no control over the terrorist organization holding him captive, he told the Israeli Prime Minister that Israel's government had one week to respond to his demands before he permanently denied Sharon the satisfaction of ordering Arafat be executed.

Blair Survives Worst Ever Week Since His Last Worst Ever Week Ever

Following Manchester United's 0-3 shock home defeat by Newcastle last Saturday, both opposition leaders have continued to call for Tony Blair's resignation. Blair had made repeated public statements before the match that, given Newcastle's form, it would probably be all over for them “within 45 minutes”. Conservative leader Michael Howard said that Blair's team had entered the game under the completely false belief that Man U represented a real threat. Howard who had previously placed a £100 bet on the Reds at odds of 7/2-on claimed that, had he been aware of the flaws in Alan Hansen's report on Newcastle's defence, he “wd hve pt his mney on the Grdie bstrds”. A spokesperson for Ladbrokes refused to comment. After the result, Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy recorded two versions of a party election statement about the game: one, praising Newcastle's “inspired performance under difficult circumstances”, to be shown in Newcastle's natural constituency in the north east of England and a second, claiming that Manchester United had been “robbed”, to be broadcast in the south of the country and in mainland China.

Weapon Of Mass Destruction Found

A single second-hand Minuteman intercontinental ballistic missile was today located by American weapons inspectors in western Iraq, hidden under the suspiciously large rug where former president Saddam Hussein habitually parked one of his five armoured Winnebagos when holidaying in the region. Asked about the find, during the seventh month of his trial for crimes against humanity, Mr Hussein confessed to having heard and been puzzled by the many loud banging noises and jets of vented fuel vapour. Apparently they had disturbed his caravanning trips to that site for the best part of five years. He thanked the prosecution for finally putting his mind at rest.

Michael Moore Assassinated

Popular filmmaker and buffoon, Michael Moore was shot and killed while addressing a rally for sufferers from Veracity Deficit Disorder from the second-floor balcony of a branch of the US fast food chain “Dunkin' Donuts” in Memphis today. Speaking from his coffin he denied widespread accusations in the Right-wing 'Blogosphere that he was in fact alive and that his apparent demise had been staged as a publicity stunt. Moore blamed his assassination on a plot involving agents of the House of Saud acting under instructions issued by the recently defrosted head of Walt Disney and added, “George Bush was probably implicated somewhere too,” but he hadn't “figured out how exactly yet”. He added that a new “director's cut” DVD of Farenheit 9/11 will go on sale this week, featuring his own commentary and 12 inches of previously unseen footage.