Live from next month, more of “Pooter’s Futures“:

The Middle East

The body of one of the militants believed to have been responsible for the bombing of the Hilton hotel in Taba on Egypt’s border with Israel has been washed up on a bank of the river Nile near the Egyptian town of Aswan. When challenged about the discovery, a spokesperson for the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad admitted that, whilst the Israeli government was “satisfied” at the death of the suspect, they were not involved in any way with his killing. The body was found with two ninja flying stars-of-David embedded in its temples and its feet still partially encased in melting blocks of halva.

UK Politics

Conservative front bencher Boris Johnson remains in the custody of extremist Liverpudlian nationalists who seized him from his bicycle during his “Grovelling Apology 2004” tour of Liverpool, made following the MP’s remarks about the city’s “victim culture”. A group calling itself the “Scouse Liberation Army” released a photograph today showing Mr Johnson kneeling between two of its operatives, their faces obscured by Russell Athletic hooded tops. Boris Johnson himself was dressed in an orange shellsuit, his distinctive blonde hair now set in a tight corkscrew perm. The SLA say they will only release Mr Johnson if their demands are met. These include a call for the return of Brookside to Channel 4 and the halting of the Labour government’s planned reform of incapacity benefits.

Popular Music

Doctors revealed today that veteran Radio 1 DJ, John Peel, who died at 65, should in fact have survived until the age of 88. Because of a misreading of a maternity ward bracelet label, Peel’s life—widely acknowledged to have been marked out by his invention of prog rock, reggae, and punk—was set to run at almost one-and-half times its correct speed. Apologising on behalf of all staff at the Queen’s General Hospital, Liverpool, a spokesman pointed out that the flip side of Peel’s premature death was that, during his career, he had remained, on average, about ten years ahead of his peers in spotting musical trends. He added, “Sorry about that, but, even speeded up, his record was pretty good. Here’s one by the redoubtable Throbbing Gristle.” Simon Bates is 107.