You Don’t Want To Do That, a new BBC reality radio show, will follow a group of potential recruits to the Samaritans as they attempt to become full-time counsellors to the suicidal, the depressed, and the lonely. In this preview recording of the first episode, the hopefuls are thrown right into the deep end. They have to answer a call from an actress playing a young woman so unhappy at being dumped by her boyfriend that she wants to end it all.

VO: The first to go is David, until recently a prominent politician and, as a blind man, the only disabled candidate for the job.

DAVID: Hello. Samaritans. How can I help?

SALLY: Hello. My name’s Sally. [sob]

DAVID: Hello, Sally. Whenever you’re ready, luv.

SALLY: [Sob] My boyfriend’s gone and, and… I JUST WANT TO DIE.

DAVID: That’s terrible Sally. You have a good cry.

SALLY: [Moans] I don’t know what to do.

DAVID: You don’t have to do anything, Sally. It’s okay. I’m listening.

INTERVIEWER: Excellent, David.


DAVID: Was he good with his hands, Sally?

SALLY: Sorry?

DAVID: Was he good with his hands?

SALLY: How do you mean?

DAVID: Some men, unsighted men for example, are very adept, er, sexually with their hands…

INTERVIEWER: Okay, thanks David. That’ll be enough for now.

VO: Next up is former professional footballer Roy.

ROY: Hello. Samaritans. How can I help?

SALLY: Hello. My name’s Sally.

ROY: Hello, Sally.

SALLY: [Sob] My boyfriend’s gone and I JUST WANT TO DIE.

ROY: F***. That’s a f***er.

SALLY: [Moans] I don’t know what to do.

ROY: That’s alright, Sal. I’ll f***in’ fix that f*** for good. You just tell me where the little c*** lives.


ROY: Are you f***in’ sendin’ me off without even a f***in’ yellow card, yer f***er?


[The sounds of swearing and scuffling disappear into a hurried edit.]

VO: And now Dilpazier, who used to write for a Left-leaning national newspaper, one particularly well known for its coverage of the caring professions.

DILPAZIER: Hello. Samaritans. I’m listening.

SALLY: Hello. My name’s Sally. [sob]

DILPAZIER: Hello, Sally.

SALLY: [Sob] My boyfriend’s gone and I JUST WANT TO DIE.

DILPAZIER: Careful with his money was he?

SALLY: Well, we used to argue about money a bit, I suppose.

DILPAZIER: Hooked nose? Friends in high places? Probably supported the Iraq war, I’ll bet. You’re better off without him. Dirty Zionist.

INTERVIEWER: Okay Dilpazier, thank you.

DILPAZIER: It’s because I is Muslim, innit?!


DILPAZIER: [Fading out through doorway] It’s a police state! I’ve got a rucksack, you know, and I’m not afraid to use it!

INTERVIEWER: [Increasingly desperate now] Okay, I’m going to throw this one out to the remaining applicants. Ariel, you’ve had to deal with some pretty tricky negotiations, how would you handle Sally?

ARIEL: I’d tell her not to think that he was leaving her, but that she was leaving him.


ARIEL: And tell her to make her own boyfriend instead.

INTERVIEWER: Er. Yes. And you, Harry, you used to run a ‘Blog. What if Sally logged onto the Samaritans Website looking for help?

[HARRY continues to tap at his laptop.]


HARRY: No, no, carry on, I’m listening.

INTERVIEWER: You’re ‘Blogging this aren’t you?

HARRY: Well I wouldn’t call it ‘Blogging as such…

INTERVIEWER: Harry, have you thought about getting professional help?