The Five Stages of Athlete’s Foot:

Day One: “Ooh dear, that’s a bit itchy.”

Day Two: [takes off sock] “Ewww! It looks like some alien life form is gnawing its way through the flesh between my phalanges. Must pop along to the chemist tomorrow and get something for that.”

Day Three: “Hello, NHSDirect? Yes, unfortunately it appears that one of my toes has become detached and I was wondering if you could tell me how best to pack it up to take to the hospital. Damn. I know left it here somewhere…”

Day Four: “Okay, we don’t have any weapons on board [points at schematic hologram], but if we can drive it up towards the loading bay with these makeshift flame-throwers we should be able to force it out of the airlock on level seven.”

Day Five: “I say we nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”