EDWARD BURNS: Yes, I am Edward Burns, the legendary molecular bio-something-or-other. Like all world-famous interdisciplinary scientists I have a cuboid jawline and impeccable upper-body development. You can tell I’m an intellectual from my stubble, my carefully ruffled hair, and my slightly messy luxury urban apartment. No, they couldn’t afford Matthew McConaughey.
ASTOUNDINGLY UNCONVINCING STROLL AGAINST BACK-PROJECTION: Goodness, the critics are going to have fun with me. Cary Grant had better. I mean, for the love of God, couldn’t they even stretch to a treadmill to spare you that walking-on-the-spot thing?! Perhaps I’m here to divert people’s attention from the lame exposition falling out of Ed’s mouth.
BEN KINGSLEY: Sir Ben Kingsley!
SIR BEN KINGSLEY: Yes, I am Sir Ben Kingsley. What about it?! I get better money threatening the World’s destruction than wandering around in a sheet taunting the British Empire. If you want to know why they couldn’t afford Matthew McConaughey (or any decent FX) just ask my agent.
CLUNKY PIECE OF FORESHADOWING: Remember me, people. They’re enunciating my part of the script clearly because I’m going to be important later.
CATHERINE McCORMACK: Yes, I am Catherine McCormack. I am not actually famous, but I am annoyingly familiar—when I’m not merely annoying. I am a super-duper physicist-type person. Like my fellow professional Denise Richards, I’m hoping my norks will distract you from the uncomprehending way I run my scifi-babble lines together like a ten-year-old reading Shakespeare. At least I’m the only cheap Brit in this who gets to speak in an English accent. Ed, are you still breathing? You’re not meant to flirt with actual death until the last reel.
EDWARD BURNS: Yes, I am still breathing, but it’s an easy mistake to make. You thought I was nicely understated in The Brothers McMullen and that I might go on to great things, but since then my performances have evolved (geddit?!) to the point where “understated” is an understatement. The very fabrics of spacetime and human civilization are going to be threatened soon and I’ll be chased across post-apocalyptic cityscapes by house-sized horrors. Throughout this ordeal my demeanour will be that of a man with a faulty alternator in his car. You know when you put your TV on standby because you’d rather read a book? That’s my acting, that is.
ALLOSAURUS: Hi, I am a limited-budget CGI dinosaur. You may remember me from Toy Story.
DAVID OYELOWO: Yes, I am the wise-cracking black sidekick. You’re looking at me spilling that liquid nitrogen and thinking I’m going to come to a nasty end, but if I do, I’m telling you, man: I’m going to go down acting. I was in the RSC.
WILFRIED HOCHOLDINGER: Yes, I am a walking, talking German stereotype. You thought my accent was fake until you looked me up on IMDB and found out I really was born in Bamberg. I used to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice coach.
SHOCKING WHITE POMPADOUR: Hi, I’m Sir Ben Kingsley’s infinitely improbable wig. My role is a bit like that of Catherine’s breasts, but His Kingliness is quite good in this so I only have to distract you on the rare occasions when his mind wanders onto the subject of his investment portfolio.
JEMIMA ROOPER: Yes, I am Jemima Rooper, Hilary Swank’s mini-me. I cost less than the dinosaur.
INCONGRUOUS SPECIAL EFFECT: I was left on someone’s hard drive after the post-production on The Mummy II was finished. Waste not want not.
SCIENTIFIC CONSULTANT: Did they listen to anything I told them? Did they hell. The fees made my last post-doc in Arizona just about bearable though. No, I don’t know what a “time wave” is either.
RAY BRADBURY: Yes, I’m Ray Bradbury. I know it’s a godawful B-movie that swaps the socio-political satire of my short story for a lot of running about and shouting in the dark, but I’m 86 years old for chrissake. Do you know how many dependants I have? At least I’m not Michael Moore. Besides, it’s actually pretty good fun if you turn your brain off for an hour-and-a-half. Hey, I think I’ve had an idea for a novella…