Thanks to this blog, I know it’s been two years since I last acquired a new bottle of cologne/aftershave. Once again, I’m unable to replace the one I’ve finished because, during my months of sparing use, the fragrance my sister bought me back then (itself the nearest approximation to its discontinued predecessor) has been discontinued. So I bribed a couple of heterosexual women with chocolate cake to follow me around the shops—thank you, V and C—and they helped me to choose “Angel Men Pure Coffee” by Thierry Mugler. It’s already a limited edition, so will jump straight from “mmh that’s nice” to “sold out” with no intervening delay.

In fact, my female guides preferred a completely different product that smelt of ginger, but they weren’t repelled by this one. It’s always a pleasant surprise when women aren’t repelled. Perhaps if I remind them of the inside of a Starbucks they’ll find me less scary.

If you’re reading this, family, there’s now no need to buy me any smellies this Christmas. (Though I suppose you could stockpile a bottle of A*Men Pure Coffee for two years hence if you can find one.) Some nice, thick M&S socks—size 10 (or 9)—would be appreciated though.