I thought this piece was an April Fool’s joke, but it’s dated the third: hyperbole, cliché, metaphors so mixed you can’t tell where the crescendos end and the whirlpools begin. But Stephen Pollard has a point. I couldn’t get into the Tesco carpark today for the customers panic-buying in the wake of the chaotic chaos threatening to overwhelm the chaotic shambles of a government that has plunged our chaos-stricken nation into chaos.

Check out the opening paragraph:

It is almost impossible to overstate the chaos [but you’re going to have a go, aren’t you, Stephen?] which has engulfed the Labour Party in the past week. The Blairites are openly attacking the Chancellor. The Brownites are ranting against the Prime Minister. The Labour Party itself, caught in the middle, is being spun around from pillar to post without an anchor.

Apparently we are all “rubber neckers at the scene of a car crash”, the Blair Brown spat has reached such a “crescendo of intensity”—no: “a level of passion”—that “the Government itself is near to being out of control”. Blair and Brown have “stared at the precipice”, the “glue has finally come unstuck”, they won’t “bite their tongues” any more.

Look at Blair’s “deliberate act of provocation”. Their “courtiers” had been “let off a part of their leashes” [huh?], and then “reigned [sic] in”; now they are “going full pelt at each others’ throats”. A “string of stories” “have [sic] emanated” from the the Blairites. Things are “incendiary”! The atmosphere is “febrile”! (And that same atmosphere is somehow being “played out”.) The speculation is “wild”! “The rumour mill is [wait for it] in full swing”! Apparently the Pension Commission is recommending, er, “a huge increase in public money” [WTF?]

But that’s not all! “A new battlefront has emerged”. “Britain’s future prosperity is at stake.” Never fear! Stephen has the solution:

That is why this festering feud must now be resolved. Mr Blair is a busted flush, unable to pass the legislation he claims he is in office to secure.

The time has come for him to step aside and let Mr Brown get on with things his way – for good or ill.

Christ, Stephen, I wish I could get paid by the Mail for turning in that sort of copy. Maybe it is a parody. Go on, you can tell us. You couldn’t have written this crap with a straight face, could you?

I’m off to buy some gold now before the uncontrollable lack of control of a government utterly out of control finally precipitates an inevitable and uncontrollable run on Sterling.