TIGER WOODS WINS 2008 US OPEN DESPITE KNEE INJURY CAUSED BY ILLEGAL KARATE ATTACK FROM EVIL MAFIA GOLFER ROCCO MEDIATE. OBTAINS CRUCIAL PAR SCORE ON SUDDEN-DEATH HOLE USING “CRANE KICK” BEFORE COLLAPSING ON THE FINAL GREEN IN AGONY, MUTTERING “I DID IT FOR YOU, ELIN!”

LEWIS HAMILTON CLINCHES WORLD F1 DRIVERS’ CHAMPIONSHIP IN HIS MCLAREN, “HERBIE”, DESPITE EFFORTS OF EVIL DWARF BARON ECCLESTONE. LAST-GASP DONATION OF WET WEATHER TYRES FROM BROTHER’S WHEELCHAIR PERMITS LEWIS TO SNATCH TITLE-WINNING FIFTH PLACE. “I DID IT FOR YOU, NICHOLAS,” HE CONFESSES AS BROTHERS’ ESTRANGED PARENTS RE-UNITE IN HEARTWARMING FINALE AND ECCLESTONE IS LED AWAY BY AUTHORITIES, MUTTERING, “IF IT HADN’T BEEN FOR YOU PESKY KIDS…”

SON OF GOAT-HERD BARACK OBAMA BECOMES PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES, DEFEATS GIGANTIC TWO-HEADED DINOSAUR CLINTZILLA AND PALIN THE ICE WITCH, AS HIS KINDLY GRANDMOTHER THROWS EVIL NEOCON EMPEROR MCCAIN DOWN REACTOR SHAFT. IN RESPONSE TO PRESIDENT OBAMA’S CONTINUED SUPPORT FOR ISRAEL, MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD BURNS BEYONCÉ CENTREFOLD IN FRONT OF FRENZIED CROWD AND REVEALS DISCOVERY OF PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF CREOLE.