Dive Dive Dive

First, if you are a musician with a few hundred dollars in your pocket and a desire to make music on your computer, buy Sonar. There is a good reason why it’s the US’s most popular PC-based music sequencing/recording package. Although it runs under Windows, with all the horrible tinkering that implies, once set up, it does magical things. Yesterday morning I knocked together a simple five-part gospel chorus [750K mp3]—with each voice positioned in an imaginary room—in less time than it would have taken to teach the parts to a real choir.

The program detected what key I was singing in and, with a couple of clicks of the mouse, I converted each part into an “intelligent” loop—these can be speeded up and slowed down arbitrarily at any point without changing the pitch of my voice. Awesome. What’s even more impressive is that I managed to lay down bass, drum and organ lines too, to go with the singing. Sadly, my incompetence with actual musical instruments made this a rather slower process. Although a skilled user can correct all sorts of mistakes with Sonar, I could hear the artificial element I was introducing when I tried this. I had to get most of the tracks right the hard way: practice, practice, practice (of which more later).

And the program comes with so much other free stuff—almost all of which I can actually find a use for: effects, instruments, samples, format converters…

Of course, despite the integral kitchen sink, one hugely important thing is missing. My browsing of Sonar communities on the Web reveals this absence to be a kind of running joke in the world of Sonar users: there’s no bloody metronome! For those of you who have suffered like me with this terrible shortcoming here are the free and the pay solutions.

King

The other thing I want to rave about is the work and philosophy of Stephen King. I am not the first person to compare him to Dickens, but they do have a lot in common. Not least among these things is that King is both hugely popular with ordinary people and underrated by contemporary critics. He’s supposed to be a horror author, but King writes painfully accurately about real (often small-town) people. It’s only then that he eviscerates, immolates or tortures them. (I was shocked to hear that Misery, his novel about the capture and torment of a novelist by a fan, was toned down for the movie—not because I believe that films should be true to the works they are based on, but because the only clip of Misery I have experienced was so nasty that it put me off seeing it—and that was one of the bits that was softened.)

One of the best things about King is his attitude to creativity. I have a simple rule of thumb when I listen to interviews with writers, performers, painters etc. If they talk about making works “for artistic reasons” or “to please themselves”—often tacking on “if anyone else likes it it’s a bonus”—they are usually either lying or shit. If they talk about “their craft” or “doing a good job” or say that they’re “only in it for the money”, not only is there a chance that they know what they’re doing, there’s a tiny, but not negligible, possibility they are artistic geniuses in the making: William Shakespeare, Pablo Picasso, Dr Seuss.

King has the right attitude for greatness:

“Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.”

Working hard doesn’t guarantee achievement, but not working hard guarantees obscurity. King writes and writes and writes. He’s even written a book about writing.

The reason I rave about him now is that I rented a dodgy adaptation of one of his most recent novels yesterday. Dreamcatcher is a superb study of the behaviour (both good and bad) of groups of ordinary boys and men, before it becomes a study of the extraordinary bond between them under even more extraordinary circumstances. Stated baldly, however, the plot of the work is almost silly. This is why it should never have been made into a film. Amongst the special features included on the DVD is an interview with King. In one short section he talks about one of the silliest parts of the story and makes complete and elegant sense of it.

[Incidentally, before their first books came out, Theodor Geisel (“Dr Seuss”) was rejected by 28 publishers and Stephen King by 60.]

Feeding The Crocodile

I’m in a particularly hawkish mood today so I invite you to listen to another proud cry from Victor David Hanson‘s eyrie. No, the term isn’t exclusive to eagles, and the Chambers says so.

[The former linked page suffers from that curse of the contemporary Web, tiny font sizes, specifically designed, I suspect, to force us to buy the print versions of articles published online for free. Following a banner from the latter page, I couldn’t help but think that, with a name like that, “Wolf Blitzer” couldn’t be a real person, could he? The photograph is plausible (he looks a bit like a bearded version of Judith’s dad), but I’m not convinced.]

The Real Thing

Popquiz! Which of the following is a real reality TV show?

  1. Sing Out, Sisters“: A group of twenty white, middle-class American women from a Bach choir are taught to sing Gospel by members of a black Baptist group in Philadelphia. We watch four of the Bach-lovers being transformed over the run up to their appearance as competitors at a Gospel convention.
  2. Firing Line“: Four total losers are taught the arts of close combat, defensive driving and weapons technology with a view to turning them into expert bodyguards. After their training they are assigned to a real celebrity. The producers then stage a fake hostage situation with a “suicide bomber”. The contestants have only been told to expect to deal with a staged mugging, but now we’ll see how they perform when the shit really hits the fan.
  3. The Swan“: Seventeen thoroughly ordinary-looking women are offered plastic surgery. We follow them all through the pain of their physical refinement—liposuction, dental surgery and facelifts—as they prepare for their entry into a beauty contest. In every episode one woman is cast aside as too ugly to continue.

When you’re tired of agonizing, read the answer.

“Judeo-Christian”

There’s a thoughtful, topical and free article over at The Economist at the moment, all about the relationship between Judaism and Christianity.

(Following on from my rant about The Passion, you should note that it contains this paragraph:

“One American Catholic and former priest has gone much further than his Church. In his bestselling book “Constantine’s Sword”, James Carroll writes of his own agonised reflections on the Holocaust and the Church’s legacy. He concludes by agreeing with the severest critics of the Church: anti-Semitism was not a distortion of the Church’s mission, but was central to it. It was not a contributory factor in preparing the way for the Holocaust; it was a decisive factor.”

)

TrumpZilla!

Over at Liquid Generation—home of the now dated, but still strangely fascinating, “Mystery of Britney Spears’ Breasts“—you can play “TrumpZilla“. Even the Japanese themselves would have trouble beating it for surreality. Your aim is to intercept biplanes, sushi bombs and flying Pikachus by launching toupees at them. The action takes place over Tokyo, London and New York to the accompaniment a schlocky repetitive guitar backing track. [Requires Flash]

Di War Don Don

It’s time to put on the perspective-correction spectacles again.

Christopher Hitchens argues that recent unpleasant events are a warning of what will happen if the liberation of Iraq fails. Oliver Kamm is re-examining his reasons for supporting military action, saying no outcome would cause him to question his original justification. Glenn Reynolds monitors people who are offering a whole range of explanations. Oddly, the best The Independent‘s Robert “Quagmire” Fisk can do is to claim that Iraq is only “on the brink of anarchy“. (I think he’s suffering from wolf-crying fatigue.) Two of my calm, sane pro-war friends Claire and Judith are deeply worried.

I’m not. I’m certainly not happy about what is happening, though. I grew up intermittently hearing my dad tell stories of real and attempted coups d’état—apparently a popular recreational activity for young army officers in West Africa throughout the 60s and 70s. This isn’t even a failed coup; it certainly isn’t civil war. All that’s going on in Iraq is that a bunch of fanatics and looters have got their knickers in a twist because they’re unemployed, non-specifically resentful (of a specific and convenient foreign target) and have access to AK47s and rocket-propelled grenades. A large proportion of the rabble are more interested in picking up a slightly used PC than overthrowing the Yankee oppressor.

Bush is committed to finishing the job in exactly the way his father was not. Tony Blair is standing by him, his eyes retaining their scarily convinced stare. And we have precedents. Sierra Leone is one. It was recently described by the UN as the poorest country in the World and by the not-famously-hyperbolic Economist as “the worst place to live on the planet”. It’s better now, thanks to humanitarian military intervention. All the hellish ingredients were there too: mischievous neighbours, “organised” terror against the civilian population, economic disaster, and lots of weapons.

Stability came despite the kidnapping of 11 British soldiers in 2000, after the collapse of a peace deal and the capture of hundreds of UN peacekeepers’ weapons, despite interference from the delightful Charles Taylor and despite the presence of tens of thousands of drug-crazed, gun- and machete-wielding psychos wandering around in country that makes Iraq look like Regent’s Park on a mild Spring morning.

So why the hysteria about Iraq now? The World’s media hardly gave a shit about Sierra Leone, except insofar their trying to save its people embarrassed the Blair government. And, even when the journos did care, no one paid any attention to their reports. By comparison, the situation in Iraq is a storm in a teacup, but one being observed through powerful magnifying lenses by people who have been forecasting a hurricane for two years and are yet to feel a splash of rain.

Yesterday CNN reported that the UN is continuing to wind down its massive peace-keeping operation in Sierra Leone. Wake me up if Sadr’s thugs are still fighting in the streets four years from now.

UPDATE: An Economist leader writer obviously read PooterGeek last night before filing this.

UPDATE: I swear I didn’t read Mark Steyn either before I put digit to keyboard.

Sexual Aesthetes

It’s no good telling teenagers that sleeping around will damn them to Hell when they don’t believe in God. It’s no good telling them the sleeping around will lead to infertility when having kids is decades away for them. It’s no good telling them the sleeping around will lead to a nasty discharge or pregnancy when their friendly neighbourhood sexual health clinic will non-judgmentally clean up the mess with antibiotics or the (mis-named) morning after pill.

What does make them change their behaviour is telling them that sleeping around will make their genitals look gross.

Over Here

Thanks to Bill and Judy for brightening up what would otherwise have been a miserable train journey back from London.

You asked me what good I thought would come from UK universities being able to charge fees. This short article [Adobe Acrobat PDF file], The Coming Invasion of Britain by Andrew Oswald, an economist at Warwick University, predicts one striking outcome if they aren’t freed to set their own fees and compete as semi-private institutions. It might happen anyway.

UPDATE: Bit distracted when originally I posted this so I forgot the article link. Thanks to the Maoser for pointing out my mistake.

Very Busy So Short, But Important, Post

Jew there. Explanation here.

UPDATE: This article seems to have become subscription only, so you might be interested in a (free) ‘Blog entry at JewSchool. You might need to scroll down a bit from the target of the link or do a “Find in Page” for “Google Bomb”.

In short, if you search for “Jew” in Google the first hit is a hate site. ‘Bloggers around the World are trying to replace that by linking the word “Jew” to the entry from the free online encylopedia, Wikipedia. Ooh, look, I did it again.

American Graveyard

Even some of my most hawkish friends have been expressing deep worries about the recent attacks in Falluja, which they consider part of the wider problem of poor post-war planning and are concerned might undermine US commitment to Iraq. I really want to write a long post about this, but things are hectic at the moment.

Briefly, even the BBC acknowledges that the town is a basket case and I personally believe that, while the US administration’s “strategy” has been shoddy, they aren’t going to give up on this one. All I can say is that, if I had the time I would make a proper case. For the moment I am limited to a Guardian-opinion-piece-style unsupported assertion.

Crazy of the Day

Some kind spammer has invited us on the EMBOSS team to check out this page lamenting the terrible state of the World. In summary:

  • why can’t they see that Jesus was black?
  • homosexuals are perverts,
  • George Bush is a terrorist [yawn], and
  • white people are unhealthily obsessed with the Jacksons.

Aye Do

I went to a delightful wedding do at The Scotsman hotel in Edinburgh on Saturday. Ros [far left-hand side] and Andy had already had a ceremony in Thailand where half of Ros’s family comes from. I couldn’t afford to take up my invitation to that party. They officially tied the knot in Scotland because, if she had legally married out in Asia, Ros would have forfeited a whole range of things by becoming Andy’s “appendage” (for example the right to inherit).

The whole gathering was seriously Scottish. There was a ceilidh and an innovative alternative to wedding cake: a huge cheese display. As one of my fellow guests remarked, “I’ve never seen so much cheese and so many kilts in one room.” I was not wearing one, however—a kilt that is—though I was eventually dragged into “stripping the willow“. If this is how violent the Scottish have always been when dancing, no wonder they caused the Romans and the English so much trouble fighting.

Edinburgh is still stunning to look at and now there seems to be even more money than usual sloshing through its streets. My visit to the city also gave me, as usual, an opportunity to say hello to and argue geopolitics with my “Auntie” Maureen, the first human being in the World to see me alive.

Are You Or Have You Ever Been?…

Just back from interrogation by the Labour Party Thought Police—sorry: being interviewed as candidate for the (I was reassured) unwinnable council seat of “Cambridge Market” [big gif].

“Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offence?”

“No.”

“Are you in arrears with your Council Tax?”

“No.”

“Have there ever been or are there any County Court judgements pending against you?”

“No.”

“Is there anything in your personal life which might cause the party embarrassment?”

[Must…resist…temptation…to…say: “I wish.”] “Er, no.”

“Are you prepared to accept the Party whip?”

[Must resist temptation to say: “Has this anything to do with the previous question?”] “Yes.”

“What issue, if any, would you be prepared to resign over?”…

On the way home, I stopped off at KFC (formerly “Kentucky ‘we don’t use unhealthy sounding words any more’ Fried Chicken”). The Cambridge town centre branch resembles the UN canteen (without the looting of course). Strange thing was, amongst all the ethnicities, only the English customers were fat.

I’d better not win this bloody election; they’d be my constituents.

Bum Fluff

Brosnan is looking shaky for the next next Bond movie, so speculation about the replacement has started. Hugh Jackman I could just about believe, but Orlando Bloom? Puh-lease!

BOND:
You’ll never get away with it, you madman.

Dr EVIL:
[THWACK]

BOND:
Ow, that hurt! ‘S’not fair! ‘S’not fair!

Dr EVIL:
Now take off that tuxedo and tidy up your room.

Funnily enough, Fark describes the possibility of OB playing JB as “proof of the decline of the West”. Perhaps I should withdraw my earlier post. Like a lot of the posters at Fark, if I had to place a bet on the next Bond, my money would be on Clive Owen.

Zoom

This is why it’s going to take more than a bunch of suicidal fundamentalist crazies to bring down western civilization.

ATM VIP

Cambridge is too small. This evening I went out on my own and knew the people in front of me in the cashpoint queue and the people behind me.

Of All The People

On the way to the Henley Regatta[, darling], Sonya showed me the front cover of Friday’s Evening Standard. It wasn’t until she stepped out the headline to me—“Gilligan: This Was A Just War“—that I parsed it correctly. My belief that Andrew Gilligan would oppose military action in Iraq was so strong that I couldn’t even mentally process his support for it.

As you’d expect from the man, it’s not a very good piece, but he does put into perspective one aspect of the debate:

“One year on (since the war began), however, the most important fact is that nobody’s worst fears on that wakeful night have come true. The vast majority of us, Iraqis, journalists, and Tony Blair alike, survived. Fedayeen guerrillas struck the coalition with small numbers, but there was virtually no real fighting with Saddam’s regular forces. The bombing of Baghdad looked scary on TV, but it didn’t even begin to approach the daily tonnage dropped on ,say, Hanoi during Vietnam, London or any German city during the Second World War.

“‘Shock and Awe’ lasted an hour and a half, rather than the promised three days. And with only a few ghastly exceptions, the targeting, in the capital at least, was very precise. Colleagues who arrived after the war was over kept asking us where all the destroyed buildings were.”

Describing what happened in Iraq as a “war” is just silly. “War” is what has been happening in the Democratic Republic of The Congo for the past ten years at the cost of millions of lives. “War” is what’s been happening in the Sudan. Even the most inflated casualty numbers the “Stoppers” can come up with would represent a “quiet patch” in many countries during the 20th century. Over ten thousand people died in one day invading one country the size of Iraq during WWII.

Before the “war”, I lost count of the number of times deeply ignorant people used the phrase “carpet bombing” with a sage gravity. At the same time as characterizing Bush’s use of words like “evil” as simplistic they would bracket the precision targeting of non-explosive concrete blocks to Ba’ath Party buildings with the scorching of Dresden.

One of the profoundest handicaps of the anti-war crowd was and is their complete inability to discriminate between degrees of awfulness—an ability that is all too important on this sorry planet.

M’Learned Friends

Yesterday I had to adjust some PooterGeek content from earlier in the week—both original text of mine and a coment by an external poster—to avoid misunderstanding and potential legal action respectively. I used (with ironic intent) language in my original ‘Blog entry that was probably too strong and that might have provoked the problem.

These glitches have been fixed to mine and the commenter’s mutual satisfaction, but, for anyone thinking of contributing here, this recent article in Crooked Timber about the upcoming George Galloway vs Daily Telegraph libel case contains a useful crash course in our country’s scary libel laws.

As publisher of PooterGeek, here’s my own general rule: “Don’t say anything bad about anybody rich unless a publication with its own lawyers has said it already. Alternatively, please share with me in advance the photographic evidence you have to back up your claim.”

Shock Development

Common-sense article by anti-war writer printed in The Guardian! A sample:

“Just for the record, the Bali bomb, which killed 202 people, many of them Australian tourists, happened six months before the invasion of Iraq. The motive, as Clive James has said, had nothing to do with Iraq, much less Palestine. It was because the bombers didn’t like the way westerners danced.”

Although I agree with much of the rest of this piece, the above an untruth that flatters the murderers it seeks to condemn. One stated motivation of the Bali bombers, for example, was to protest against the freeing of East Timor from oppression by Indonesia, the World’s largest Muslim nation, by (amongst others) Australian troops.

Despite this article, I have removed The Guardian from the links on this page and decided never to buy that rag again. What with my longstanding boycott of all Murdoch publications and my complete disgust with the once-great Independent, I’m left with the The Economist. To think it’s come to this:

Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Western Reviewed

Open Range is an excellent film, well acted. It’s slow and has a couple of unfortunate structural flaws, but it features at least one awesome, crunchingly realistic gunfight. Robert Duvall is solid as usual, though, at an absolutely crucial moment, he blows it by focusing his gaze on a camera. However, it’s Costner’s movie and a good one.

When Costner is good, he’s very good: Tin Cup, The Untouchables, Wyatt Earp. When he’s bad, he’s terrible.

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