Films these days start out being pitched as a high concept—“My script is Ghost meets Titanic in outer space”—and end up being reviewed as a high concept—“James Cameron’s I Loved A Phantom Starship Captain is Ghost meets Titanic in outer space”. It does save you time when a film you haven’t seen is compared to […]
Read MoreI bought a copy of Kate Fox’s Watching The English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour a few weeks back. I’ve not really had time to read it of course. So far I’ve managed three chapters: “The Weather” (which, appropriately, opens the book), “Linguistic Class Codes”, and “Rules of Sex”. It’s pretty accurate so far—so […]
Read MoreI tune to Radio 2 in the bathroom, having run through the local stations (“all Bedingfield—all the time”), Virgin (“all REM—all the time”), and Radio 1 (“old people pretending to be young, playing music to young people pretending to be old”). Instead of the usual rambling from Terry Wogan, Johnnie Walker is at the mic […]
Read MoreLook at the photograph accompanying this article about the removal of HP’s former CEO Carly Fiorina. Try to keep your mind free of these words: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”
Read MoreShocking headline reveals that Mattel’s new Evil Cell Biologist Barbie has been given the go-ahead to meddle with Nature.
Read MoreHow we mocked Dr Who for its low budget conviction that most of the planets and moons in the Universe (firm enough for humanoids to be chased across by stuntmen in monster suits) resembled abandoned gravel pits. Who’s laughing now?
Read MoreKennedy says Iraq is ‘Bush’s Vietnam’. But, if Bush=Hitler, surely it’s his Eastern Front? That can’t be, of course, because Kabul was supposed to be America’s Stalingrad—as was, er, Baghdad. At least we can be sure that Abu Ghraib is Iraq’s My Lai—as long as it’s not true that September 11 2001 was the new […]
Read MoreAnd now it’s time for Thought For The Day. Over in our Manchester studio we welcome the Reverend Nimmo Platitude of St Gavin’s Church Of The Lost Apostle, Bamber Bridge: “Thank you, James. “This morning I toasted a bagel for my breakfast and, as I lifted one half of the deliciously warm, crispy-soft bun off […]
Read MoreKirsty Young has been standing in for wrinkly Yorkshireman Michael Parkinson on his Radio 2 show lately. Her voice is pure sex. When she read out the title of a book in her orgulous Scottish husk: “Why The Whales Came“, I listened and could picture both voiceless labio-velar fricatives blossom perfectly. The whales were probably […]
Read MoreI had started on this spoof combining the Mark Thatcher and Harry Windsor stories. You know the sort of thing: “So, Mr Thatcher, this was an ironic coup? Well, yah, we’d a bit to drink and a couple of chums had dressed up in fatigues for a party and one of the fellas—an old friend […]
Read MoreMy not-very-exciting anecdote about Germaine Greer is completely true. While I was working there, I started and was Secretary of the Institute of Cancer Research (ICR) Reading Group. It was embarrassingly successful—not because of me, but because the words “Institute of Cancer Research” have magical powers. Upon hearing them, black cab drivers will not only […]
Read MoreShockingly, according to the BBC, fears of exposure to over 3 000 “fuck”s didn’t seem to reduce people’s willingness to watch the big broadcast: “More than 1.7 million viewers watched Jerry Springer – The Opera on BBC Two on Saturday, despite the objections of protesters. At least 45,000 people had contacted the BBC to complain about […]
Read MoreA very sharp Right-winger who goes by the alias of “femiokay” (I always picture him as a shrewd ex-pat Nigerian businessman) posts frequently over at The Motley Fool. He made a striking observation on Friday about the way BBC News online reported on the three main party leaders’ New Year messages. Tony Blair gets to […]
Read MoreThe Smith Lectures had already been back on BBC Radio 2 for two weeks and I didn’t notice until yesterday. There isn’t a “listen again” RealPlayer option on the BBC site either—probably because the programme consists mainly of well chosen archive recordings of stand-up comedy from so many different sources that there would be a […]
Read MoreI’ve just sat through the whole of the first in the new series of BBC Radio 4’s The News Quiz and not one of the so-called comedians on the two teams had a go at Simon Hoggart (over this of course). Worse, it was an episode featuring both Armando Unfunnucci and Alan “my offspring shame […]
Read MoreHappy Birthday, dad, and God help us all.
Read MoreLast year I had the unusual and unblogged pleasure of attending a birthday party where the majority of the guests were professional opera singers. It took place in the basement room of a London restaurant. If you try hard you can imagine what the rendition of “Happy Birthday” sounded like. The birthday girl has a […]
Read MoreWhile the smelly Lefties sleep off their hangovers, The Graun‘s Middle East desk is taken over by agents of the Zionist Conspiracy: Winners and Losers in Israel It was a good year for … Ariel Sharon Sharon seized the initiative by declaring that Israel would unilaterally pull all Jewish settlers and most soldiers out of […]
Read MoreToday, under the headline “WALL SAVES COUPLE AS WAVE HITS THAI RESORT”, the Cambridge Town Crier tells me on its front page that “Several Cambridgeshire residents have escaped death in the Asian tsunami horror”. Realish via boingboing takes the prize, though, for spotting this headline.
Read MoreAs a child I would watch my dad make a fire in the morning, kneeling down in his vest, putting paper from old copies of The Guardian underneath the coal (and then quite likely lighting his first cigarette of the day with the flame—he’s been smokeless now for years). Susurration has stolen a lead all […]
Read MoreThe online version of Hello! magazine covers the persecution of Sikh playwrite [sic] Gurpreet Kaur. Why? Because some celebs are supporting her. I wonder how Samuel West will take to having his appearance as Dr Frankenstein in Van Helsing cited as his most noteworthy contribution to the dramatic arts. Meanwhile, over at the Fox News Website, […]
Read MoreThe Independent Radio News report on 96.9 Chiltern FM at four o’clock: “11 Britons are among the dead.” [Recording of northern Irish bloke recounting his experience] “—journalist Blahdy Blah on the earthquake in south Asia. In [Thailand] alone, eight Britons died. Others are on their way home to emotional reunions.” Don’t the media just love […]
Read MoreI used to have reservations about Ute Lemper as a singer, but on Radio 3 this afternoon, performing with the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra, she was stunning. I’m sad that I missed the Hebrew and Arabic songs she began her show with. Apart from an abortive attempt to read Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone—I gave […]
Read MoreI watched The Incredibles with the Anonymous Economist earlier this week. It is superb. See it. The movie takes a strong philosophical line on the question of unusual excellence and the way contemporary institutions, especially educational ones, do their best to smother it: “When everyone is special, no one is.” This quote encapsulates the underlying […]
Read MoreRead all abaht it! I’m fuming,’ said the 21-year-old. ‘I sat there with a fleshcoloured bikini on and they have air-brushed the whole thing out. ‘That’s not my belly button. I’ve got a sticky out belly button and it’s pierced,’ she added. ‘They’re not my boobs either.’ Ellison, currently starring in the film version of […]
Read MoreIn case anyone was wondering, I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Read MoreHi, I’m on the set of Meet The Underwater Smoking Tanngoliabees with director, Hiram Czeapli. Hiram, there’s already a tremendous buzz about this star-studded, sprawling ensemble piece. Perhaps you could tell us why this of all your works has attracted so much pre-release media attention. Well, although The Smoking Tanngoliabees has a lot in common […]
Read MoreEric The Unread has taken Backword Dave‘s Jedi morality/foreign policy post and run with it. If you are familiar with the Star Wars films you’ll have a good laugh.
Read MoreA reliable source of cheap laughs here is the sometimes daft electronic media output of the Labour Party machine. I joke about it as only a fully paid up member can. Today, just for a change, I wandered over the the Conservative Party Website to kick the horse while it’s down. It’s so easy I […]
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