I realise a gym in Brighton is probably not the kind of place where you would expect to find, say, The Playboy Channel showing on the TV screens, but yesterday while I was working out the video to the latest Will Young single was on. It’s a Top Gun pastiche that opens with a great […]
Read MoreMovies
01Oct05 — 5
Filmed In Powderedwig-o-vision
Further to the THES‘s collection of historical dramas that academics most fear Hollywood making, you must, must watch the trailer for the upcoming Casanova. My favourite bit? Addressing Jeremy Irons (who might as well be twisting a waxed moustache and stroking a Persian cat), Sienna Miller delivers a line that Basil Exposition himself would have […]
Read More23Sep05 — 5
Uh-Oh
This page is starting to appear in my referers: “Alice (9/22/05 6:26 pm) Ralph story I was browsing online and I came across this weird mocking story of Ralph. It isn’t the best story but I found it amusing. here’s the link: www.pootergeek.com/?p=1725 ArcticLady (9/23/05 7:30 am) Reply humph… I don’t know the owner of […]
Read More22Sep05 — 4
Toe Curling
How bad is Be Cool? The best thing about it is the performance by The Rock. And, according to the Internet Movie Database, what acting projects does he have lined up to follow this turkey? Instant Karma 2005 “A visual effects-laden comedy about a safecracker who dies and is reincarnated as a series of animals.” […]
Read More21Sep05 — 0
Cha Cha Cha
Here’s someone who is even more offensive about minorities than I am. And she’s funnier. And I bet lots of people want to sleep with her. If you’ve got a Quicktime player on your computer, you must watch the trailer for Sarah Silverman’s new film.
Read More18Sep05 — 0
Pack Shot
The following requires that you are at least partly familiar with the plot of Clint Eastwood’s Million Dollar Baby—more familiar than Amazon is, at least. Every so often the system by which the company’s Website attaches cover images to product descriptions goes horribly, horribly wrong.
Read More15Sep05 — 3
Noooooooo!
Further to one of my shortest and most cited posts, if you don’t mind having Return of the Sith spoiled [hah!], the frankly strange Mike Doughty explains that, because Darth Vader is black, you must trust your feelings and know that he is your father. Mike was an amazingly prescient child: “I have this interesting […]
Read More06Sep05 — 0
Home Beauty Care
If you’ve got the bandwidth, this sharp computer-animated film from Taiwan is worth the download.
Read More02Sep05 — 0
“All my pain is because we are not together…”
There isn’t actually a scene depicting a gamine brunette whizzing past a Parisian landmark on a moped, but, if this trailer is anything to go by, scientists at an Israeli biotech firm have finally succeeded in cloning all the other clichés of self-conscious art house French cinema.
Read More01Sep05 — 10
Glass Act
This International Herald Tribune article is built around its author’s belief that award-winning British star of stage and screen Ralph Fiennes is incapable of playing an ordinary fella. Outrageous! Early on, as a struggling young actor, Fiennes actually started to make his first serious money playing “Third Bloke” in a series of successful 80s lager […]
Read More19Aug05 — 2
Pollack’s
I watched The Interpreter on DVD the other evening. It was disappointing like going to the London theatre: excellent actors and highly accomplished technicians bringing to life a script that fancies itself intelligent and deep, but is daft and glib. One of the stars, Nicole Kidman, is currently plugging what is apparently another poor career […]
Read More18Aug05 — 5
Walken For President
AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI is man-handled into his office. Waiting for him are four associates, standing: CONDOLEEZZA, RUMSFELD (an old Wise-guy), VICE-PRESIDENT SCHWARZENEGGER, and BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BOB HOSKINS (a fireplug pitbull type). PRESIDENT WALKEN sits in KHAMENEI’s recliner KHAMENEI is knocked to his knees. He looks up to see a smiling WALKEN. They pick him up […]
Read More17Jul05 — 0
Bond Sequel
Also this week, I expressed my admiration for a Bond spoof at Ace Of Spades HQ. I said it was the sort of thing I wish I’d written. Yesterday I remembered that I nearly had. Bastard.
Read More09Jul05 — 2
But Mine Would Have Been Shorter And Funnier
This is a bit long, but, much as it pains me to say it, it’s my sort of spoof and I wish I’d written it. Bastard. [via Tim]
Read More04Jul05 — 12
Short People
You will not see a better made film this year than Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds. There’s been more than one occasion when I’ve felt that Spielberg has squandered his gifts so casually that I’ve left the cinema jumpy with irritation at him. I didn’t yesterday evening. At a certain point craftsmanship becomes so […]
Read More21May05 — 0
Obligatory Revenge Of The Sith Gag
Once Anakin Skywalker starts wearing a hoodie around town you know he’s become a bad ‘un.
Read More15May05 — 5
Two Tragedies
Michael Jackson’s story is Darth Vader’s in reverse. In Star Wars, a whiny, sexually frustrated, white man-child no one trusts turns, via hideous disfigurement, into an all-conquering, super-cool black guy who first made it big in the 70s.
Read More12May05 — 0
Two Names Better
George Bush beats Britney Spears; Martin Luther beats George Washington; Tony Blair beats Michael Jackson beats Jesus Christ; Bill Clinton beats Saddam Hussein; Osama Bin Laden beats Kofi Annan; Bob Dylan beats Donald Rumsfeld; Angelina Jolie beats Arnold Schwarzenegger. But tough luck to Madonna, Seal, Bono, and Sting. If you’re so famous you have one […]
Read More29Apr05 — 0
Darth Pooter
Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith now has his own ‘Blog, “The Darth Side: Memoirs Of A Monster“. The tone of the thing is perfect, a whole new galaxy of bathos: 15Apr05 “It is not the sort of thing people think about, but I do not get many opportunities to see any living world […]
Read More27Apr05 — 0
Highbrow Cinema
It’s my mum’s birthday in a few weeks and I am thinking of buying her (and my dad) a handheld DVD player. She won’t watch films on it, but it will be perfect for her and dad to browse through (CDs of) family photos I make for them without their having to heft albums about […]
Read More16Apr05 — 0
Men In Suits
12Apr05 — 4
That Labour Party Election Broadcast In Full
[Tony Blair and Gordon Brown face each other in painfully close proximity, like an Alas Smith And Jones head-to-head. A clumsily applied blurring effect is intended to shift our attention from one part of the frame to the other as they take turns to speak. This also keeps the pile of dirty Blair household laundry […]
Read More05Apr05 — 1
Truly Independent
Midnight Pictures is an independent film company based in Northern Ireland, but its people don’t want none of your steenking arts subsidies, thanks very much: “As with all Midnight Pictures films [Don’t Look In The Attic] will feature: NO love-across-the-barricades NO terrorists with a heart of gold NO conflicted priests and/or policemen NO soundtrack by […]
Read More26Mar05 — 3
Kylie And Kevin
Kylie Minogue appeals to me sexually like a bath of cold baked beans. No, I’m not into splosh. In her infamous cinema ad for Agent Provocateur underwear she undulates in said lingerie on the back of a bucking electric horse. The punchline is something about how the men in the audience should be too aroused […]
Read More28Feb05 — 0
All This And Self-Mockery Too
As if anyone needed another reason to fancy Halle Berry, she turns out to have a GSOH as well: Halle Berry thanked the makers of Catwoman for “putting me in a God-awful movie” when she turned up to collect her worst actress Razzie award. The actress, whose surprise appearance got her a standing ovation from […]
Read More27Feb05 — 0
Is There No End To The Boredom?
I’ve added months of old posts. (See the Archive section over there –>.) I couldn’t even be bothered to go on a nostalgia trip and read any of the content, so sick am I of the sight of a computer monitor. There’s still a big gap between April 2002 and March 2003, but who cares? Laugh […]
Read More18Feb05 — 8
The Less Said The Worse
Films these days start out being pitched as a high concept—“My script is Ghost meets Titanic in outer space”—and end up being reviewed as a high concept—“James Cameron’s I Loved A Phantom Starship Captain is Ghost meets Titanic in outer space”. It does save you time when a film you haven’t seen is compared to […]
Read More08Feb05 — 0
Still Alive
As if everything else wasn’t enough my Net connection has been down for the past twenty-four hours. I’ll be back and in effect tomorrow, I promise. Read this short story. Watch this movie. Buy this badge.
Read More26Jan05 — 2
Razzle Dazzle
Never mind the Oscars; what about those British and American atrocities?
Read More17Jan05 — 0
The Final Indignity
When I was ten he was dead scary. Now Darth Vader’s breathing mask gazes up at me from my carpet slippers. (I should point out that they were in a Next sale and therefore cheaper than the non-franchise variety. When I’m hangin’ in my crib I dress like a love god, but I do so […]
Read More
Recent Comments