Asia

03Mar06 — 2

Fatuous Bint

Regular readers here know that I had little time for the argument that “we” had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein had a strategic arsenal trained on Hoxton hidden under his various country homes. It’s been said that I’ve been quite rude about people who signed up too confidently for certain types of WMD-related bollocks, […]

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26Jan06 — 4

Scandalum Magnatum

GEORGE GORRAWAY MP: Yes, m’lud. That is indeed myself, naked before one of the sons of the Rightful Ruler of that noble yet tragically violated Arab nation, attempting to excite his flaccid member by gently stroking its tip with my moustache whiskers, whilst simultaneously drowning two screaming Kurdish orphan children below the surface of the […]

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24Jan06 — 3

Ignoring A Stamping Child

I don’t agree with a lot of what she says, but I think Mary Madigan at Exit Zero has a very interesting angle on Iran: What should we do about Iran? We should do nothing. Seriously. When a belligerent little foaming-at-the-mouth nation shouts about nukes, they expect us to pay attention to them. This encourages […]

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18Jan06 — 0

Japanese Zoo Breeds Pathetic Snake

TOKYO — Gohan and Aochan make strange bedfellows: one’s a 3.5-inch dwarf hamster; the other is a four-foot rat snake. Zookeepers at Tokyo’s Mutsugoro Okoku zoo presented the hamster — whose name means “meal” in Japanese — to Aochan as a tasty morsel in October, after the snake refused to eat frozen mice. But instead […]

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01Jan06 — 4

So, Farewell Then, John Simpson

It passed me by because I was busy participating in a traditional British lemming trundle along a motorway*, but, now I have had a chance to catch up with it, I think I have just read John Simpson’s final serious news report. It is in many ways a frightening document; I am afraid on his […]

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09Dec05 — 4

Hard Cell

Hi. I’m Saddam Hussein. You might remember me from my worldwide hits Massacre At Halabja, Gulf War I, and Gulf War II. I’m here to tell you about custard, Bird’s™ Custard—The Choice of Despots™. [Raises pack to camera stiffly. Walks along featureless metal corridor towards prison kitchen, but slowly because his ankles are chained together.] […]

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08Dec05 — 0

Channel 4: Nathan Barley Does Foreign Policy

For anyone else who has a Godwinian objection to my recent Channel 4 post, Never Trust A Hippy presents further relevant data: The trailer prior to tonight’s (UK) Channel 4 Dispatches programme ‘America’s Secret Shame’ (part of a series of programmes about the war in Iraq) featured the series’ money quote. It was spoken to […]

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06Dec05 — 2

Acrostic Baffles

This story appeared on the BBC News Website yesterday: “Pakistan’s government is to remove a poem from a school textbook after it emerged the first letters of each line spelt out “President George W Bush”. “The anonymous poem, called The Leader, appeared in a recent English-language course book for 16 year-olds. “ The Pakistani authorities […]

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23Oct05 — 5

Senior Moment

In a way, I’m glad I don’t have proper Internet access. The BBC radio news yesterday evening was apocalyptically depressing. How much global death, disaster, and destruction is it possible to fit into one broadcast? Pakistan, Mexico, South-East Asia. The latest Economist—a journal not normally known for “quagmire” rhetoric—welcomes the Iraqi people’s recent vote on […]

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09Oct05 — 8

Lest We Forget

Today is Saddam Hussein’s 666th day in captivity. As a mark of my respect for the legal head of the sovereign state of Iraq, currently imprisoned by the quislings of the Imperialists’ puppet regime, I am ‘Blogging this in my underpants.

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09Oct05 — 3

Talking Of La La

Scott Ritter is on BBC Radio Bloke right now. His opening argument is that Bush Snr was wrong because he was obsessed with removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime above all else. And that he was wrong because he stopped the first Iraq war before regime change. Now he is comparing Bush Jnr and Blair to […]

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21Sep05 — 3

Carry On Up The Khawr Abd Allah

[BASRA. Outside a terrorist hideout, two undercover SAS men wait for their final instructions from their Mahdi Army handler. They are sitting in a Morris Minor dressed in Lawrence of Arabia costumes and wearing blackface. One is wrapped in a girdle of fake sticks of dynamite, stamped with the legend “ACME”.] FIRST SAS MAN: Durqa […]

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03Sep05 — 4

Says It All

Who Knew? has a telling post. Imagine: you have invested your life savings in a multinational corporation, who would you choose to run, respectively, its US and UK arms: Bill Clinton and Tony Blair or George W Bush and John Major? Whatever happened to the Right’s ability just to manage serious stuff competently?

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18Aug05 — 5

Walken For President

AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI is man-handled into his office. Waiting for him are four associates, standing: CONDOLEEZZA, RUMSFELD (an old Wise-guy), VICE-PRESIDENT SCHWARZENEGGER, and BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BOB HOSKINS (a fireplug pitbull type). PRESIDENT WALKEN sits in KHAMENEI’s recliner KHAMENEI is knocked to his knees. He looks up to see a smiling WALKEN. They pick him up […]

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11Aug05 — 2

Do You Work South Of The Border?

casualsavant sent me this amusing example of shonky pirate DVD translation, which you might have already seen. The same ‘Blog also reproduces this sign from a Mexican restaurant in China, which you might not have: “Zapata’s Mexican Cantina does not sponsor prostitutes at our establishment. If you are a prostitute please refrain from entering our […]

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24Jul05 — 25

Bad Poetry Celebrity Deathmatch

You thought Harry “Haystacks” Pinter was unbeatable, but now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael “The Bomber” Rosen. [via Voslunga] UPDATE: I thought I’d have a go myself. (Anyone is welcome to join in in the comments.) War is bad When Americans do it. Blowing up civilians is understandable As long as you’re really, […]

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17Jul05 — 21

Normal Service Resumed

On Tuesday evening I was pleasantly surprised (as were a couple of commenters) by RESPECT candidate Salma Yaqoob’s responses in a BBC Radio 4 interview about the London bombers. Given enough rope by “Mad Dog” Milne of The Guardian‘s opinion pages, however, she happily climbed the scaffold: “This cycle of violence has to be broken. […]

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08Jul05 — 5

McSlaughter

Independently of Stephen Pollard’s comment, a friend of mine emailed me yesterday to draw my attention to the murder by another Al-Qaeda offshoot of the head of the Egyptian diplomatic mission in Iraq. The email implied that there was some connection between the branch of the global Al-Qaeda franchise killing over there and those busy […]

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06Jul05 — 1

Three Celebrity Scientists Go Hunting

MMR vaccine chancer Andrew Wakefield, Arpad “poisonous GM potatoes are poisonous” Pusztai*, and Gilbert “100 000 dead in Iraq war” Burnham go hunting together for rabbits. After only a few minutes walking, all three of them simultaneously catch sight of the same bunny in the distance. Wakefield shoots a tranquilizer dart from his rifle, but it […]

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20May05 — 0

My Shame

Forgive me, reader, for I have sinned in my thoughts and in my words. My shocking Yazzmonster-style confession is that a tiny part of me had hoped there would be a lower turnout at the UK General Election. I wanted to do a PooterGeek post featuring an Iraqi TV reporter interviewing British people talking about […]

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17May05 — 4

Ethnic Aesthetics

“Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.” P. J. O’Rourke (1994), All The Trouble In The World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty I’ve written here before that I believe humans are naturally disposed to discriminate […]

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