In the past week, two shops within two doors of each other in my street have decorated their respective forecourts with a giant fibreglass ice cream cone and a lifesize inflatable Santa Claus.
Read More29Nov06 — 1
Shopping
21Nov06 — 6
Public Enemy
I don’t have perfect pitch. One of my long-suffering former Flatland music tutors would however be amused to read that the other day I noticed that my toothbrush was playing the key note of a Kelly Clarkson song and I wandered over to the piano and played the scale along with it—first time! I never […]
Read More09Nov06 — 2
Period Charm
I look forward to the day when a member of the Blue Peter team shows how to make this tampon air rifle on the BBC.
Read More01Nov06 — 2
Notices
Miraculously, unlike Fisking Central, Tim Worstall missed this gem of a Comment Is Fatuous article today, one that neatly combines economic illiteracy, snobbery, and a reassuringly ethnic byline. It’s sad that an interesting question is obscured by article’s stupidity. But he didn’t miss this collection of Amazon reviews of Great Works, which should appeal more […]
Read More22Sep06 — 5
Substitute
This morning, as I checked my GoogleMail, the all-seeing GoogleBrain read my correspondence and decided that I needed to be directed to the portal for recently divorced or bereaved men: “Wife’sGone.Com“, whose general message seems to be: “Okay, so you don’t have a missus any more, but at least you can afford to buy some […]
Read More17Sep06 — 0
Honestly, I’m Completely Straight
If you are a middle-aged man then two things are going to happen to your hair soon: it’s going to fall out and it’s going to turn grey. My dad managed to escape both of these until he reached 60 years of age, but everyone accused him (unfairly) of using Grecian 2000, so he didn’t […]
Read More05Aug06 — 7
Advanced Level Grocer’s Apostrophe
I saw this handwritten notice outside a shop selling solid wood furniture this morning: TABLE AND TWO BENCH’S £295 Can two wrongs make a technical right?
Read More06Jul06 — 0
Blending In
Imagine what it’s like trying to find anything around his place.
Read More26Jun06 — 22
How To Make A Guardian Reader’s Head Explode
Be coloured. Approach a bearded white man who’s standing outside Waitrose supermarket brandishing a “BOYCOTT ISRAELI APARTHEID” poster. As he is handing out leaflets, tell him in a hurt voice with a posh-African accent*, “You people have no idea of what apartheid was like!” Brush fragments of his skull off your T-shirt. [Before I told […]
Read More15Jun06 — 6
For England!
While I’m on the subject of real racism, this is a perfect time to bring up again the matter of “rhetorical racism”: the kind of racism some ascribe to those who have the nerve to disagree with them or merely to offend their refined aesthetics. Working class people who put England flags on their cars, […]
Read More18May06 — 0
Monsieur Henry’s Holiday
An outer London suburb. THIERRY HENRY is behind the wheel of a tricked-out hatchback on his way back from his last training session. Early bebop is playing on the stereo. Despite his obvious tristesse, he is tapping a complex counter-rhythm on the steering wheel. THIERRY pulls up at traffic lights and glances across at a […]
Read More17Apr06 — 0
On An Horrific Scale
Following on from my last post about young people and music, this is funny. [via Mudbath]
Read More17Apr06 — 1
Young People Today, Eh? Shocking.
I’m in a Brighton musical instrument shop looking for a couple of brackets for my keyboard stand. There’s a teenager sitting slouched at one of the digital pianos in sweats and a baggy jacket. He’s wearing a mesh baseball cap and through it you can see that his buzz-cut hair is dyed a colour Eminem […]
Read More27Mar06 — 3
Shiny Thing
Hah! I leave both Grammar Puss and Jack & Hill trailing in my metrosexual wake as I bring you first news of the Purse Brite lighted handbag organizer: 10 Expandable Pockets Perfectly Organize Any Bag Make Switching Bags Easier Includes: Zippered cosmetic bag Lighted compact mirror with 5x magnification Get this entire kit for only […]
Read More20Mar06 — 0
Bloat-tastic
I received a 352kb email message last week from a hotel confirming my two-night booking. I hope they have a gym where their staff can burn off that kind of excess.
Read More16Mar06 — 21
Paranoia By Proxy?
This evening I’d like to talk shit with you all. It’s interesting that many of the people most eager to brand those they disapprove of as “racist” have never been victims of real racism in their lives. I am wary of using the word. Since I left the town I grew up in (and escaped […]
Read More06Mar06 — 2
Shelf-Reflection
Two of the many dangers waiting for me on the road to the local supermarket are second-hand shops with tables full of old books outside them. I know that, if I am not strong, I will not only forget what I set out to buy, but will wind up wasting time, space, and money. There […]
Read More11Feb06 — 1
Lots Of Bollox
If you frequent the eBay auction site you will be familiar with the capitalist haiku that is the eBay feedback message, the window through which users signal to other users their experience of a seller’s or buyer’s reliability. The majority of feedback messages are boilerplate rendered in txt msg English: Delivrd on time. Goods well […]
Read More02Feb06 — 2
DREAMdirect update
Hurry! They’ve knocked £100 off the art deco gramophone!
Read More25Jan06 — 0
70s Revival Continues
I overheard two of the staff in Maplin today complaining that they had had to change the price on some piece of consumer electronics twice in one day. We live in the noughties now so both changes were decreases. A Chinese factory employee probably figured out some way to make ten of of whatever gadget […]
Read More03Jan06 — 5
MTA Update
Kelly Brook is extraordinarily beautiful, but, as anyone who has seen her on TV knows, she’s not going to dazzle you with an informed précis of neo-Kantianism or a layperson’s account of the interesting physical properties of the fullerenes. Because of this you can admire her in the abstract, like the Taj Mahal, say, knowing […]
Read More30Dec05 — 3
A Gift-Giving Warning
Last year or the year before, following a request on PooterGeek for you lot to suggest somewhere I might buy a bridge computer for my dad for Christmas, I ordered one for him from DreamDirect. DreamDirect is an evil chimera of The Gadget Shop and SAGA magazine: apart from selling fine handheld bridge computers, their […]
Read More09Dec05 — 4
Hard Cell
Hi. I’m Saddam Hussein. You might remember me from my worldwide hits Massacre At Halabja, Gulf War I, and Gulf War II. I’m here to tell you about custard, Bird’s™ Custard—The Choice of Despots™. [Raises pack to camera stiffly. Walks along featureless metal corridor towards prison kitchen, but slowly because his ankles are chained together.] […]
Read More29Nov05 — 12
Top Ten Discontinued Dulux Paint Colours
Burnt Hummer Institutional Magnolia Sambo Warm Placenta Haliborange Coldplay Yellow Kilroy Autumn Phlegm Coelacanth Brown Conrad Black [Despite / because of my being born into a country in the midst of the Biafran War, a conflict in which one weapon was starvation, it was normal in the house I grew up in for us to […]
Read More16Nov05 — 1
Cooking
If you are on their snailmail spam list then the latest Viking office stationery catalogue probably dropped through your letterbox this morning. Further to my mention of microwave ovens, on the cover of the brochure is the following offer: “FREE! Get this Microwave FREE with every 4 or more packs of Large Core Sellotape you […]
Read More12Nov05 — 9
“Hello, Am I Through To Customer Services?”
Last night a Master’s student (whom I have never taught) phoned me to vent her justified frustration with one of her lecturers’ chronic incompetence. This keen and bright individual had done everything she could and should about the situation and complained through the correct channels. As usual in these situations she wasn’t the only member […]
Read More06Nov05 — 8
Yet Another Reason Not To Boycott M&S
I think I may be in lust with the non-blonde two of Marks & Spencer’s new womenswear models: Erin O’Connor and Noemie Lenoir. (You’ve got to wonder, though, about about a woman (Erin) who was dumped by Jamie Theakston, rather than dumping him herself.)
Read More26Oct05 — 16
Pedantry/IKEA Update
There’s a title to set your pants ablaze. Thanks firstly to Hot Wheels for correcting my spectacular error with the twenty-four-hour clock in my IKEA post. Thanks secondly to Tomodachi at Susurration for drawing his readers’ attention to the ‘Blogrollicity of two of us on his list simultaneously losing it in the aforementioned shop. Despite […]
Read More25Oct05 — 15
A Long Way For A Bad Joke
[The image jitters, there is a thump as the sound comes on, and a haggard, hair-covered face fills the frame. Veils of windswept snow crystals twist and drift across the view.] SIR RANULPH FIENNES [for it is he]: Bally thing’s playing silly buggers again. Hello! Hello! Michael! MIKE IN THE STUDIO: Sir Ranulph! Can you […]
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