18Jan05 — 7

Operation Overload

Kennedy says Iraq is ‘Bush’s Vietnam’. But, if Bush=Hitler, surely it’s his Eastern Front? That can’t be, of course, because Kabul was supposed to be America’s Stalingrad—as was, er, Baghdad. At least we can be sure that Abu Ghraib is Iraq’s My Lai—as long as it’s not true that September 11 2001 was the new September 11 1973 which would make Iraq the new Chile. This would mean that Saddam=Allende and Allawi=Pinochet. In which case, after the elections, we have to arrest Ayad Allawi next time he visits Britain.

18Jan05 — 1

Theodicy

And now it’s time for Thought For The Day. Over in our Manchester studio we welcome the Reverend Nimmo Platitude of St Gavin’s Church Of The Lost Apostle, Bamber Bridge:

“Thank you, James.

“This morning I toasted a bagel for my breakfast and, as I lifted one half of the deliciously warm, crispy-soft bun off my plate to spread butter onto it; it fell, greasy side down, to the newly carpeted floor of my living room, a carpet still awaiting treating with stain protector. It is at times like this that even the most committed Christian asks, “How could a benevolent god let such a thing happen?” On the face of it this is a fair question, and one that I have heard many times from parishioners over the years.

Confronted by such an appeal from a member of my flock grieving over the death of a much loved iPod—one sadly not covered by Apple Care—it would be all but impossible for me to fall back to the dry and abstract arguments that I was given during my training at Wycliffe Hall. Instead I adopt a far more direct and practical approach in an effort to convey to him or her a deeper understanding of the true nature of the Christian God. Cupping the tear-stained cheeks of my questioner in my hands, I slap him briskly about the face and say, “Because he’s a spiteful old fruit, and you’d better get used to it, love.”

“It was Paul who wrote in his Second Letter To The Thessalonikans:

“Mr and Mrs Pantheopoulos,

Thank you kindly for your great hospitality. My wife and children can’t wait to come back and enjoy your delicious minced lamb and spinach filo again next year. I was wondering in the meantime if you would do me the greatest of favours and keep hold of the yellow-and-blue flip-flops that I am sure I left under the main double bed in our chalet.

Isn’t it always the way? You check everywhere and then God, yielding to adolescent spite bordering on the pre-menstrual, prods one of the boys to divert your attention just for a moment so you forget your nicest holiday footwear. He might be omni-bleeding-present, but that doesn’t stop him from being a miserable bitch.

Best wishes,

Paul”

Yes, our Almighty is a great big pouting sulk of a supreme queen, but, instead of complaining about it, we should all jolly well shut up and deal with it. Do you think salvation grows on trees? No. Let me put it in a nutshell: original sin; freewill; next life; up yours.”

That was Thought For The Day. Reverend Platitude will be appearing later this week on BBC3’s I’m A Celebrant Get Me Out Of Here.

17Jan05 — 6

Second Up Against The Wall

Before he joined the Guardian looney tune crowd Jonathan Freedland wrote a republican manifesto called “Bringing Home The Revolution“. Early on in it, I think, there is a nice little paragraph about how the American dream is to arrive with nothing, work hard, and then watch your son strive and study until one day he becomes President; and that the British dream is that one day the Queen will come round for tea.

The Royal Family is a terrible symbol of much that is wrong with the UK, but (and here is where the ‘Blog known as “God Save The Queen” stole my word) its dimwitted members are distractions from the real enemies of those of us who dream of true equality of opportunity here. I was going to post against the Virtual Stoa’s recent attack on the aristocracy, but I haven’t got the time and the energy currently. Luckily Steve has.

17Jan05 — 0

Ouch

Anthony and Jackie are both ‘Blogging about pain: Jackie about the pain women experience when giving birth and Anthony about the pain men ignore when they have long nails stuck in their heads.

“The nail was embedded 4cm into his brain—barely missing his right eye.

Six days after his 6 January work accident, Mr Lawler decided to visit the dental clinic where his wife Katerina works because painkillers and ice failed to stop the pain.”

Yeah, but think of the fuss he’d have made if he’d had a cold in his head.

16Jan05 — 1

Radio Porn

Kirsty Young has been standing in for wrinkly Yorkshireman Michael Parkinson on his Radio 2 show lately. Her voice is pure sex. When she read out the title of a book in her orgulous Scottish husk: “Why The Whales Came“, I listened and could picture both voiceless labio-velar fricatives blossom perfectly. The whales were probably listening to her too. If anyone has a recording of Kirsty Young and Francine Stock at the mic simultaneously I’m willing to pay top dollar.

15Jan05 — 1

Where Was Inspector Morse?

Good socialists here, here, and here ‘Blog the demise of Rosa Luxemburg, but it is important that the loss of another Rosa Luxemburg is not overlooked—by Chris especially, and by others of the Left who, unlike Dr Brooke, are now almost certainly working as management consultants, investment bankers, or barristers:

“Dons at an Oxford University college have launched a public appeal for the safe return of an ageing, but much-loved tortoise.

“The Balliol College tortoise, named Rosa Luxembourg, disappeared on Sunday, June 22 [2003], and has not been seen since.

“Rosa has been a familiar sight at the college, grazing in the garden quadrangle, for more than 42 years. “

What I particular like about this story is the unfortunate phrasing of its conclusion:

“Rosa is named after the German socialist leader and revolutionary, who participated in the Russian Revolution and formed the Communist Party of Germany — although no-one can remember why.”

As of May 2004, a replacement was being sought, subject to the college historian’s appeal to the student body that “further research” into the disappearance be conducted before such a grave step was taken.

14Jan05 — 1

Glacial Acetic

I’m ashamed to say that, after I read it at the Motley Fool, it took me fourteen hours to get this joke:

“My daughter asked me for some Nikes for her birthday.

I said: ‘You’re nine—you can make them yourself.'”

I’m proud to say that this one from Radio Two made me laugh instantly:

“Who led the Pedants’ Revolt?

Which Tyler.”

14Jan05 — 5

Back To The Drawing Board

I had started on this spoof combining the Mark Thatcher and Harry Windsor stories. You know the sort of thing:

“So, Mr Thatcher, this was an ironic coup?

Well, yah, we’d a bit to drink and a couple of chums had dressed up in fatigues for a party and one of the fellas—an old friend from the club—asked me if, y’know, he could borrow my helicopter for a bit of a wheeze.”

etc. etc., then Norm posted about this Steve Bell cartoon in The Guardian and I felt dirty somehow by association with the unfunny, one-note waste of wood-pulp that Bell has become, so I gave up.

UPDATE: Norm actually intended to (and now does) link to this one-note, unfunny, waste-of-wood-pulp Bell cartoon.

14Jan05 — 0

One Whiner, One Woman

As Tim Worstall notes, Maureen Dowd is whining again. This time, apparently, men want to be mothered before they will marry. She writes:

“I’d been noticing a trend along these lines, as famous and powerful men took up with the young women whose job it was to tend to them and care for them in some way: their secretaries, assistants, nannies, caterers, flight attendants, researchers and fact-checkers.”

Well I never. Famous and powerful men want to be looked after. Have you noticed how when they interview those fellas who pay to be dressed in nappies they never seem to be construction workers? It’s simple Maureen. Women are the gatekeepers. For you it’s a seller’s market. That’s why prostitutes are mostly female (and certainly aren’t all young). If you want a man, go looking for a man. If you want a sugar daddy, you’ll get a mummy’s boy.

Jackie D, on the other hand, gets it—that is she understands what the real problem is and she has a boyfriend. Her post about the partner-looking-for-parent problem is sassy, non-sexist, and generous.

“The article is based on an interview with a therapist who says that most people who think and say that they’re after a romantic partnership are really after a parent. They haven’t given up the desire to be parented the way they wish they had been as a child, and they look to their partners to do the things they wish their parents had done: praise them, love them, and meet their needs. As the therapist quoted in the article says, adults meet their own needs, they don’t look for someone else to do it. And when these people break up with their partners because they don’t meet all their needs and read their minds, they end up feeling like abandoned children.

These strike me as very valid, if not totally original, insights. I know so many people whose greatest fear is being alone, so much so that they’ll stay with someone who beats the crap out of them or belittles them constantly, just because they think being alone with themselves would be even worse.”

As far as this sample of one is concerned, the moment a woman starts to resemble my mother—lovely as she is—I’m out of there. (Were I ever foolish enough to try, I’m also sure I couldn’t keep Maureen Dowd in the style to which she would like to become accustomed while she wrote pieces for the New York Times about how devastatingly traumatic giving birth is.)

13Jan05 — 3

Last Minute Deals In Our Closing Down Sale

The Medical Research Council (MRC) currently has links to six press releases on the front page of its Website. One of them is about work by the National Institute for Medical Research (NIMR) on HIV and another is about work on the pufferfish genome by a group at the Human Genome Mapping Project Resource Centre—now the Rosalind Franklin Centre for Genomics Research (RFCGR).

Fugu rupribes or pufferfish have a similar number of genes to humans, but very little “junk” DNA between those genes. The human genome, in contrast, is over 90 percent “non-coding”. Please don’t ask me why; I don’t know. Neither does anyone at the RFCGR know the answers to some of the wacky questions that people send in to us about pufferfish, for example: “How can I stop my dog from eating puffer fish? why does he eat them? they are spikey and smell foul.”

We do have a pufferfish called Gizmo, however. Say hello to him [big image]. He might have a tidy genome, but will he ever come up with something like this? 2-1 to the humans.

Here is a surprisingly entertaining account (so far uncorrected) of the Houses of Parliament’s Science and Technology Select Committee discussing the MRC’s plans for the future of the NIMR, complete with juicy tales of alleged late night telephone threats.

There’s no need to threaten anyone at the RFCGR. We will be shut down in July. On that latter point:

  1. I’m not bitter.
  2. Gi’ us a job.
12Jan05 — 3

Godwinning

Claire sent me this one. I’m not going to tell you what to think. If you find something familar about the text, you do; if you don’t, you don’t. Either way, it’s chilling history.

12Jan05 — 1

Aspiring To Greatness

My dad sent me one from The Guardian. It outlines what people on this side of the Pond would consider a radical plan for “saving” Oxford University, a plan that most people familiar with US higher education would just shrug their shoulders at. Here, in cutting-edge Cambridge, a horse has just trotted past my window.

11Jan05 — 2

iStupid

Today the undeniably charismatic CEO of Apple Computer Inc., Steve Jobs, gave his keynote address to the Macworld Conference and Expo in San Francisco. As often he announced some new shiny things for people with roll-neck sweaters (and Backword Dave) to buy, including the iPod Shuffle—an iPod for runners. It has no moving parts, no screen, and holds 99 songs. Tracks stored on it play in random order. The page on Apple’s Website describing the new gadget carries an interesting footnote. Chewing gum sticks are shown propped up next to the machine itself and the caption to the image reads:

“iPod Shuffle: Smaller than a pack of gum and much more fun.(2)”

At the bottom of the page:

“(2) “Do not eat iPod shuffle.”

[via Slashdot]

11Jan05 — 2

She’s A Celebrity—Keep Her In There!

My not-very-exciting anecdote about Germaine Greer is completely true.

While I was working there, I started and was Secretary of the Institute of Cancer Research (ICR) Reading Group. It was embarrassingly successful—not because of me, but because the words “Institute of Cancer Research” have magical powers. Upon hearing them, black cab drivers will not only get you to the laboratory door in double-quick time (telling you about their grandmother’s struggle with the big C on the way) but lop great chunks off the fare. Once, when I came up from London to visit Cambridge on Institute business, a local guest house owner reduced my (already small) bill as she read how I signed myself in.

We had Esther Freud come to speak to the ICR Reading Group about her Hideous Kinky (I only called her “Emma” once). She was accompanied by people from Penguin and a sound person from the Beeb who recorded the event for broadcast on Radio 4. Thereafter Penguin started sending us more free books (most strikingly a crate full of chunky copies of White Teeth—I still haven’t finished my copy) and we got invites to Radio 4’s Bookclub where we made the bulk of the audience for the appearances by Joanna Trollope (I was surprised to enjoy Trollope’s book hugely) and Martin Amis (ferociously, mercilessly intelligent—even when wrong). We also had Helen Dunmore come to discuss Talking To The Dead. In a too perfect twist we wound up in a book ourselves [PDF sample chapter—search for “Counsell”] as a model bookclub in the Oxford University Press’s monograph on reading groups.

Drunk with our pulling power, I invited the members to have a vote to choose our next potential star guest and promised to invite whoever won our poll. To my horror, the (mainly female) membership wanted Germaine Greer. So I had to write to the irrational, erratic bint. I received a spectacularly rude reply from her office. (Some scholars have academic rigour; Germaine Greer has people.) In my personal, legally careful opinion, it combined arrogance, pomposity, ignorance and money-grubbing self regard in bucket-sized quantities. I’d have turned us down too; I’d have done so without the fatuous nastiness. Sadly, just as I promised to follow the mandate of the reading group members in asking Greer to meet us, I promised the reading group committee that I would never release the letter to the public.

Let’s just say I’m not surprised that she’s now on Celebrity Big Brother. Their offer no doubt included a substantial up-front fee, enough money to cover her driver‘s evening overtime rate (as he sits outside the Big Brother House, doing a crossword and idling his engine), and a great big non-returnable wedge for expenses. Now, whenever I pass her own local house, I take the opportunity to flip her the bird.

10Jan05 — 4

Duck

Shockingly, according to the BBC, fears of exposure to over 3 000 “fuck”s didn’t seem to reduce people’s willingness to watch the big broadcast:

“More than 1.7 million viewers watched Jerry Springer – The Opera on BBC Two on Saturday, despite the objections of protesters.

At least 45,000 people had contacted the BBC to complain about swearing and religious themes in the opera.

Whodathunkit? “Moral” outrage boosts public interest.

In other music news, a sample of my latest cut—“Fuckity Fuck”, a hip-hop tribute to Hugh Grant’s performance in Four Weddings And A Funeral—is now available for download [small MP3 ; WARNING: Even this half-minute extract contains 28 instances of a sexual swearword]. This track and many others will be available for purchase from this site in all formats, including double gatefold lyric-embossed DVD.

10Jan05 — 3

Veg Talk

Despite their claims for its health benefits, I remember it always seemed to be the vegetarians at college that who had the weight problems (either under- or over-) and the interesting skin conditions. The latter could have been caused by all the roll-ups they smoked, I suppose; but one undergraduate female dallied with veganism for a couple of weeks and wound up suffering from impetigo, a disease rivalling scurvy and gout in its visual and historic glamour. If you still think there’s anything at all sexy about not eating meat, a quick visit to Veg Porn [not safe for work]—“the first and only adult site featuring a cast of sexy vegans and vegetarians!”—will soon put you right. Guardian readers naked: ew.

Three points:

  1. The guy gazing “sexily” over his dodgy sideburn and flabby tattooed arm on the front page of thumbnail samples should be enough to put you off pork for a while at least.
  2. “Politically correct porn” is like “jolly blues music”.
  3. When it comes to domestic safety, even the loony libertarians have got to draw a line at a site that shows photos of wimmin baking in the nude [not safe for work].

How about that? I got all the way through a post about food and sex without mentioning her.

Whoops.

09Jan05 — 6

Don’t Knock Cheap Cameras

As you probably know, my not-so-trusty (hundred-and-fifty quid) camera is out of sorts—almost certainly as a result of rough handling by me. So I used the 35mm film compact that I bought for my parents to take pictures of my niece Maisie’s second Christmas. It was maddeningly difficult for a habitual SLR-user like me to remember that, when I looked through the viewfinder, I wasn’t seeing what the film was going to see. On the occasions when I remembered and the image was properly focused, though, the brain of the camera (a far from top-of-the-range Nikon) did a reasonable job of judging the exposure and its lens an excellent job of catching the details.

Anyway, my niece is probably going to grow up to be slightly better looking than me.

Maisie practises for her Vogue cover

[click to enlarge]

My sister would, I am sure, want you all to know that the chintz in the background has nothing to do with her. The new house came decorated—and it’s definitely going to be redecorated.

09Jan05 — 0

In The Interests Of Balance

A very sharp Right-winger who goes by the alias of “femiokay” (I always picture him as a shrewd ex-pat Nigerian businessman) posts frequently over at The Motley Fool. He made a striking observation on Friday about the way BBC News online reported on the three main party leaders’ New Year messages. Tony Blair gets to put his case pretty much uninterrupted and unchallenged, as does Charles Kennedy. Michael Howard, in contrast, has to address the “ppl” through the flak fired by his critics. Femi suspects it’s a vast Left-wing media conspiracy, but I’m not so sure; the best way to turn voters off the Tories is just to let Howard open his mouth and get on with telling them what he thinks his party stands for.

09Jan05 — 1

How’s About It, Then?

Amazon’s UK book best-seller list brings you the five most effective chat-up lines in the country:

  1. The Personal Trainer: “I Can Make You Thin.”
  2. The European Porn Star: “I haff come to turn you on, and I haff a vehr big drill.”
  3. The Latin Lover: “Bonjour, mademoiselle.“
  4. The Cheeky “Cockney” Lad: “Awight, darlin’?“
  5. The Prince: “I’m second in line to the throne, but I don’t look like my dad.”
09Jan05 — 2

Brilliant!

The Smith Lectures had already been back on BBC Radio 2 for two weeks and I didn’t notice until yesterday. There isn’t a “listen again” RealPlayer option on the BBC site either—probably because the programme consists mainly of well chosen archive recordings of stand-up comedy from so many different sources that there would be a thicket of rights problems to hack through before it could be made available online. Next Saturday, 13:00 hrs, 88–91FM; tune in. It’s a scream.

08Jan05 — 6

Toonophilia Too Far

There was some discussion here about the sexual allure of Elastigirl—who, in the recent Incredibles film has grown up (and out) to become Elastiwoman-with-three-kids—not to mention that of her cartoon co-star Mirage. From Betty Boop to Scooby Doo‘s Daphne to Jessica Rabbit there are quite a few celluloid celebrities—made of rather than just printed onto the stuff—who have attracted large followings of relatively normal red-blooded males, but falling for a character in the works of David “Fat Pie” Firth (that so fascinate our Leasey) is something else, Dom.

07Jan05 — 3

The Third Man Got Away With It

I’ve just sat through the whole of the first in the new series of BBC Radio 4’s The News Quiz and not one of the so-called comedians on the two teams had a go at Simon Hoggart (over this of course). Worse, it was an episode featuring both Armando Unfunnucci and Alan “my offspring shame me by being far more amusing than me” Coren. Talking of Coren’s offspring, this piece about our new Education Secretary is a doozy [full article in The Times—not available for free to Johnny Foreigner]:

“I was at school with Ruth Kelly. Nice girl. Blonde hair, ruddy cheeks, big shoes. We both then went to Oxford. We both became journalists, she on The Guardian, I on The Times. And then she got married, set an all-time record for the most number of babies born to a sitting MP and, on Wednesday, as a result of the elevation of Charles Clarke to the newly vacant Home Secretary’s job, became Secretary of State for Education. And I . . . well, didn’t. I’m still just an unmarried, childless git with no proper job. And everybody else is a bloody Cabinet minister.

“Secretary of State for Education, of all things. In a Labour government. Funny to think that the school Ruth and I attended is one of the most expensive, exclusive and ancient private schools in the world, and until recently faced nothing but open hostility from the Labour Party.

“Not that you will find any mention of Westminster School on Ruth Kelly’s CV. Like all privately educated Labour MPs, her website lists under “educ” only the universities, Oxford and LSE, which looks far more democratic, since one could, in theory, go to these without being posh.

“So I am rather tickled by the idea that education policy will be directed by someone who had exactly the same experience of school as I did. The same teachers, the same desks, the same smells, the same problems. She will no doubt make it a priority, on arriving in the job, to clamp down on the children who are bunking Saturday morning school because their parents want to drive down to the country on Friday night to beat the traffic.

“Shown round problematic inner-city schools where knife attacks on teachers and crack addiction are rife, she will demand to be shown the fives courts and inquire over the state of the school boathouse. She will be astonished to find that not all the schools under her jurisdiction have an abbey attached.”

07Jan05 — 12

Norm Is A Top Bloke

Norman Geras bought me dinner this evening. I accepted on condition that he let me do the same for him next time we met. More importantly he was excellent company and even more interesting in real life than he is on his ‘Blog—which is saying something. He is also taller.

This very effectively took my mind off a frustrating afternoon trying and failing to get somebody to sell me either 1) a bridge-playing computer as an increasingly belated birthday present for my dad and 2) a 35mm SLR camera that takes film—you know, the glossy stuff that changes colour on exposure to light.

07Jan05 — 4

A Word From Our Sponsors

I have been asked to bless this Webpage with the Google power of PooterGeek, the most “innovative and resourceful” Website in the World. The aforementioned link is surely the best to follow for Philippine biotechnology, enterprise, and investment conference information. I think casualsavant would agree with me in the comments, using further links to illustrate that fact, wouldn’t you? [Not too many, though, or you’ll be barred by my spam filter.]

06Jan05 — 1

National Portrait Gallery Employee Escapes Shortlisting For PooterGeek’s 2005 Numptie Award

Dear Damian,

Thanks for this.

Believe it or not, we do have a sense of humour here and your email raised a smile or two in the office (actually – just one!).

Please forgive the standard text of the email sent yesterday. We send out dozens of such emails each month as part of our policy of checking on potential copyright infringements and have to use wording to cover a variety of situations.

We have a responsibility to protect our artists’ copyright as well as our own, hence our diligence in checking all potentially unauthorised uses.

Of course, simple links (such as yours) are absolutely fine because no copying is involved. In fact they are the essence of what the internet’s all about and are to be positively encouraged. If I’d have been able to find the link yesterday I wouldn’t – of course – have sent the email at all. The difficulty was – I couldn’t find it anywhere, and therefore sent a precautionary email with the screengrab.

If the Digimarc report finds links (in addition to downloads) then that is very silly indeed and a great waste of everyone’s time. I’ll be contacting them to clarify exactly what’s what. So – thank you for highlighting this.

Kind regards,

———————————–

Bxxxxxx Hxxxxxxx
Copyright Officer

National Portrait Gallery
St Martin’s Place
London
WC2H 0HE

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