In The Developing Lab This Morning

SUCCESSFUL LOCAL FEMALE PHOTOGRAPHER [looking down her nose at trade mag]: It’s amazing they still do ads like that in this day and age: women in bikinis standing in the darkroom doorway.

POOTERGEEK: It’s post-feminist, innit? Those are ironic tits.

SUCCESSFUL LOCAL FEMALE PHOTOGRAPHER: Just for once I’d like to see a man in a gold lamé G-string.

POOTERGEEK: How long have you lived in Brighton and you’ve not seen a man in a gold lamé G-string?

Mr White

[BERLIN: A Luxury Executive Premium polar bear enclosure. KNUT relaxes on a Le Corbusier recliner carved out of rock, doing bicep curls with a protesting baby seal clutched in his fist]

KNUT: [into Bluetooth headset] Ya, Jerry, the death threat was the clincher, man. Mom rejects me, bro’ rejects me, then “Big bad animal rights activists want to kill the ickle wickle baby bear” and suddenly the World wants me to share their bed with them. I’m hotter than July. Come to think of it, I really am hotter than July. Where’s that dumb zookeeper? [He wafts a paw in the general direction of a pissed-off looking German with a beard] Hey, Thom-ass! Crank up the AC, bitch!

So, Jerry, you heard any more from Coca-Cola?

Ten lousy million? Who do they think they’re dealing with here? Michael Jackson? I don’t get off my floe for less than twelve.

Hey, Coco!

[A capuchin in a cage nearby curls his lip in response. He is squatting in front of a Remington and a pile of typing paper.]

KNUT: Take a letter, banana breath.

[The capuchin yawns and winds the paper up a notch.]

[KNUT begins dictating:]

Sehr geehrter Herr Buffett,

You and me, we know business, right? We know money. You and me, we know you own these jive-talking middle management suit-stuffers. So you tell them to start negotiations at a realistic level or go fuck themselves with one of those funny shaped bottles.

Mit furry freundlichen Grüßen and all that shit

Knut

[KNUT stretches out his free paw and reaches into the COCO’s cage, yanking the paper out of its roller and pulling it through the bars. He begins reading:]

“So, when this loose behaviour I throw off,
And pay the debt I never promised,
By how much better than my word I am,
By so much shall I falsify men’s hopes…”

KNUT: What the fuck is this shit?! Every fucking time the agency sends one of you jungle muppets all I get is fucking bad poetry. I’m gonna get me one of those cats with the opposable muthafuckin’ thumbs—not that I’d trust the shrunken fuckers with a rotten tuna. Ain’t that what they say, Jerry? “Never hire help that’s cuter or from the same level of the food chain.”

Look, man, I’ll call you back. I got asses to kick. Tell Kate until she bins the indie kid and gets herself clean it’s no more ice-cube action from her big German bear. And let Pixar know that I want John Goodman to voice me or I’m gonna auction off the option.

Yeah, Love ya too, baby. Ciao.

Shouty Men

To date, most of the political blogs that employees of the old media have paid attention to have been noisy, gossipy, and abusive ones. This makes sense: the people in the media who read them also tend to be noisy, gossipy, and abusive. Such sites don’t threaten the old order and the blogs’ proprietors are self-promoters anyway, more interested in gaining attention from journalists than in fostering intelligent debate or doing creative things with technology.

(I should point out here again, as I often do, that there is little “new” about most of what hacks call “new media”. The basic forms of blogs and wikis just resurrect the original, widely forgotten read/write models of the World Wide Web. There are, however, many new things about new media in the wider sense of that phrase.)

Unfortunately, because these prominent “political” blogs are rubbish, a lot of the attention they attract consists of journalists dismissing new media as a whole. I still remember reading an article written in the 90s, about thirty years after email was invented, declaring it doomed to be a short-lived craze, as the author put it: “email is the new CB radio“. Like most newspaper technology opinion, this was of course ignorant, clichéd, stupid, and wrong.

In some ways these blogs are to dead tree journalism like early steam locomotives used to be to stationary engines: almost as loud and smelly, but now they run on a network. As you appreciate when you travel in the same carriage from the British side of the Chunnel to the French side, it’s the networks that are the important things.

More interesting in the long term than the steamblogs are collectives like mySociety and Bloggers4Labour and sites like Never Trust A Hippy and Stumbling and Mumbling. The former use technological ideas to make politics more interesting and the latter promote interesting political ideas—I write this despite disagreeing with them both on matters their proprietors hold dear. Many thoughtful people value blogs like Mick Hartley’s that connect them to important stories around the World that are neglected by the mainstream—even by World Service programmes broadcast on BBC Radio 4 frequencies at 3am. All of these sites focus on things existing media channels usually don’t.

Just as with the dotcom train before it, the roofs of new media / Web 2.0 wagons are heavy with those who were late to the station. They are as clueless as they are conspicuous. They wave their arms at passers-by and pronounce confidently about this “new” technology and its cultural consequences, despite failing to understand either the technology or the culture. On the Right, for example, we have Iain Dale publishing a dead tree “guide to political blogging” and (God help us) rating Britain’s best political blogs. This is like Dan Brown writing a companion to English literature and electing himself a Booker Prize judge. On the Left we have Oliver Kamm denouncing “Internet blogging” as “a significant net liability for the quality of our political culture”. Even without the revealing redundancy of “Internet blogging”, and the pseudo precision of “significant net liability”, this is just silly. You might as well condemn “electromechanical photocopying” as “a significant net liability for the quality of our amateur dramatics culture”. Undermining his own argument, unlike Iain Dale, Oliver Kamm at least has a good blog.

Former Labour PPC Mike Ion sends me spam. This says a lot about his understanding of the culture of the Net. You won’t be surprised when I say his article about the state of political blogging isn’t very good. It appears on Comment Is Free, an embarrassing wreck shunted out of the otherwise outstandingly successful Guardian factory of online content. (Boggle at the open thread currently on CiF that invites the site’s notoriously sociopathic and intellectually challenged commenters to offer their “solution[s for] Iraq”. Tomorrow I’m going to pop round to the local infant school and invite the munchkins in the reception class there to prove the Riemann hypothesis.)

I hope Andrew Regan is going to help me fix a Website on Sunday. You won’t be surprised when I say his response to Ion’s article is very good. It is also followed by Regan’s quietly delivering to “Praguetory” one of the most crushing blog comment box put-downs I’ve ever read.

Smurfed

In my kitchen I have a PC made from bits of other, now dead, computers. It’s a sort of Millennium Falcon machine: looks crap; runs fast. Partly this is because it’s running Linux of course, but I haven’t had time to tweak the installation properly so it does have one or two wrinkles. One of these wrinkles, as I discovered today while watching the Budget on the BBC Website, is that Real Player doesn’t work properly (though this is of course something many Windows machines have a problem with).

As a result I turned on the stream just in time to hear Gordon Brown reveal his promise to cut 2p off the basic rate of income tax. Whatever else you think about Brown, this was political genius. It will be one of the smallest results of this decision—but one tomorrow’s papers will obsess about—that it completely buggered up David Cameron’s chances of scoring any kind of hit with his I-used-to-use-this-joke-at-the-Union reply. Sadly I didn’t get to see his face or that of any of the other Tories when Brown struck the killer blow because my kitchen computer’s RealPlayer window was a black rectangle. But, after some brief and vastly out-of-sync video of a Dimbleby and assorted talking heads in the BBC studio, this appeared:

Conservative front benchers with strangely blue complexions

Which was nice.

At the point I left Cameron’s speech he was saying something like, “You see, the Chancellor has finally had to accept that you can increase spending and cut taxes,” and talking about investment ratio statistics being “hidden away” on p237 of the Red Book.

Poor David.

The Low Spark Of High Heel Boy

Last week, as part of my continuing journey into girly, I was photographing ladies’ fashions

dainty shoes with bows

and domestic interiors for i gigi and the i gigi General Store. I recommend that you pop down to the latter at 37 Western Road in Brighton because it is truly a sight to see. This is a shop that looks like it’s under constant surveillance from a team of crack stylists with an emergency line to the editorial board of Wallpaper*.

I’m a bloke, but, after half-an-hour in there, even I was thinking about picking up some hand-wrapped natural soaps in a range of shades of ecru. Here is one of the staff at the General Store reacting sheepishly to my question: “You just assumed I was gay, didn’t you?”

well, I did, sort of

[It wasn’t like that really, but this makes a better story.]

Money

This is the first time anything related to Pink Floyd has actually blown my mind:

Cambridge-educated economist-turned-music-manager (Pink Floyd, The Clash, Ian Dury And The Blockheads, Billy Bragg) Peter Jenner … [has] put a figure on how much each music fan who buys music would have to pay in order for access to every song ever recorded [sic] while maintaining or increasing music sales

He said that $50 per year from every person who listens to music would “meet or exceed the current over the counter sales of the music industry at a far lower cost,” but that because of deeply-entrenched flaws in the outmoded business models used by the labels that have evolved over the years, we’re unlikely ever to see such a system put in place — despite the fact that it would increase profits while allowing people far greater access to music.

Slap It On

The best thing about this site selling spray-on hair is the completely honest promotional image in the top-right-hand corner of the front page. In it, Mr SprayOnHair has whipped round quickly to prevent the admiring woman with her hands on his shoulder from stroking the top of his head and coming away with a palm full of “micronized hair fibers cut to 0.2-0.4 mm sections and … textured to look and feel exactly like [his] own hair”. I’m guessing her discovering his secret might diminish his chances.

Crime Doesn’t Pay (Enough Attention To Current Workplace Legislation)

Mr Adams, the court has been presented over the course of these proceedings with a stupefyingly lengthy and diverse catalogue of wrongdoing. I restrict myself now to only a handful of the most appalling examples.

We have heard from one of your clients, Mr Barry “Knuckles” Law, that, on the 7th of May 1998, he hired you to burn down the premises of a Mr Steven Wintermain, namely the popular exotic dancing venue “Tassels”. For this service you received £5 000 in cash—£3 000 which appeared nowhere in your formal accounts or your declared income, £5 000 for which Mr Law received no receipt.

Later that same year, your senior operatives, Mr Joe “The Murderer” Moutray and Mr William “Bill The Bull” Wilkins, attached electrodes to the testicles of your former associate Mr Kevin “Hatstand” Hatton while he was tied to an office chair: Exhibit 5B. At no time since the purchase of that chair had you or any of your employees made even the most superficial Health & Safety risk assessment of that item of furniture or examined its suitability for use with the desks and computer equipment elsewhere in your offices, thereby putting Mr Hatton at a hugely increased risk of repetitive strain injury or long-term spinal damage.

During that same interview, Mr Wilkins burned Mr Hatton’s nipples with the lit tips of three cigarettes. In between applications, he partook of those cigarettes in a designated no-smoking area—knowing full well that, as of July of this year smoking will be illegal in all workplaces, and likely reducing by days the life expectancy of Mr Moutray and, of course, Mr Hatton.

It is also well-known amongst the criminal fraternity of your area, or as you insist on referring to it: “your manor”, that you exclusively employ middle-aged, white, Protestant, ex-military men—some immediate relatives of yours—as your personal security operatives. Neither you nor any of your lieutentants made any attempt to explore a formal diversity policy or consult with local community leaders over questions of hiring, even in the wake of the notorious Blood Lane Massacre in which three of your so-called “muscle men” were killed by individuals working for your competitors Network Integrated Gangsta Assurance Solutions plc, leaving three positions vacant on your conspicuously poorly documented payroll.

In passing I should point out here that, had you learned from that incident and adopted some of the employment practices rolled out by NIGAS—practices that almost certainly contributed to their receiving two Queen’s Awards for Enterprise, Investors In People certification, a MOBO, and a Net magazine prize for their weblog: “The Four-One-One 2.0”—Adams Family Import and Export might still be trading profitably today.

I now move on to remind you and the court of your thoroughly slapdash conduct of exit interviews, and the absence of any paperwork connected with the swift termination of your long-time “Enforcer”, “Concrete” Conor McGinty, on or around the 17th September 2000, in the vicinity of the Dean Street Canal Lock…

It’s All In The Hanging

Jogging from the bank yesterday evening to catch Richard Brincklow‘s in-store performance at Passenger‘s launch of their new single [buy it now!*], I stopped to photograph this:

Charles Windsor wearing a Burger King cap

Regulars will know that I am not an admirer of Banksy’s work, but circumstances and the shrewd planning of the staff at artrepublic temporarily turned the 2006 effort of his that I reproduce poorly above into quite a witty piece.

Firstly, last week, Charles Windsor said to a nutritionist in Abu Dhabi:

Have you got anywhere with McDonald’s, have you tried getting it banned? That’s the key.

Then, the charming (and rather foxy) Lynne explained to me, as she caught me outside artrepublic pirating their wares with my cameraphone, that she and her co-workers knew Elizabeth Windsor would be visiting Brighton to celebrate the 200th anniversary of The Theatre Royal, so they decided to display this not-entirely-respectful portrait of her son in the window, in the hope that Brenda might see it as she walked by.

On Sunday 11Mar07 at 17:05, ITV1 will be broadcasting a documentary, Chasing The Dream, about Britain’s “first black Formula 1 racing driver”. (Wikipedia points out that the history’s a bit more complicated than that.)

Mr Brincklow composed and performed the soundtrack to the film, which will also be shown again on ITV1 on Tuesday 13Mar07 at 23:00 and appear on “RTL in Germany, TV 3 and TV5 in Spain and Network10 in Australia amongst others“.

For the avoidance of any possible confusion, Richard would also once again like to remind everyone reading this that it’s a melodica, not a “Fisher-Price blowy thing”, and that he got a First at university and I got a 2:i.

*[DECLARATION OF INTEREST: One of Passenger’s management people handed Richard his Coutts card after the gig and told him to buy everyone who had turned up for the show free drinks for the evening, possibly the biggest round I have ever seen being bought. It would have been rude to turn down my share in the bounty.]

Say It Loud: I’m Chippy And Proud

“Chippy!” is the cry of a winner in the lottery of birth losing an argument.

There’s a scene near the beginning of Casino Royale in which Vesper Lynd practises some amateur psychology on 007 as they sit opposite each other on the Eurostar. She says something like:

You’re Oxford, but not from money, hence that huge chip on your shoulder.

And she says it as though it’s a bad thing. Of course he is “defiant, as if daring anyone to knock it off” [Chambers Dictionary]. He’s James fucking Bond. The film tries to explain the other parts of the definition: his sense of “grievance”, his “readiness to to take offence” at “a supposed fault in his personality or background”.

The re-imagined Bond is like the re-imagined Batman: a traditionally suave and sadistic superhero orphan rewritten as a grafter. If he’d been to Balliol, he wouldn’t have signed up for the college’s unofficial motto: “Effortless Superiority”. He might even have been a more muscular example of classic chip-on-the-shoulder Oxbridge: a northern chemist. (Margaret Thatcher was a northern chemist in spirit, if not quite in fact.) Daniel Craig hasn’t got any time for the usual soft southern eyebrow raising. He’s a northern Bond. He shows off his gym work; he gets hurt; he loses at cards. His chips are hard-won.

Daniel Finkelstein lobbed the same boo-word at people who have a problem with David Cameron’s background and his wannabe aristo antics:

The moment the cannabis story broke it was obvious it would be a problem. The reminder that David Cameron went to Eton that is.

But the treatment of this story by bloggers and journalists has amused me. Because while they have gone on and on about the conspiracy of toffs running the world, they have proved that politics and the media is in fact dominated by an entirely different little gang.

Members of the ChipOx club are everywhere. Who are they? Chippy people who went to Oxford, had an argument with a drunk aristocrat in the Balliol bar and supported the wrong candidate for Chief Breadstick in Michaelmas term.

Years later, they are still struggling to get over the humiliation.

The ChipOx Club believes that their rows with the Bullingdon Club, which culminated in a memorable food fight in the Oxford High Street KFC (Boris Johnson, they recall, throw a salsa Zinger) indicate that the Conservative modernisers would close down the health service.

The rest of us are simply bemused.

I probably have had an argument with an aristocrat in Balliol bar and I certainly supported the wrong candidate for Chief Breadstick. (It’s worse than that: I was the wrong candidate for Chief Breadstick.) But, these days, I don’t run the media or politics or anything else.

Finkelstein’s argument is uncharacteristically feeble: how can these media types complain about toffs when they’ve done so well themselves? I get the same when I harangue people with statistics showing the link between parents’ income and childrens’ attainment has become tighter and tighter since the replacement of state school selection by ability with selection by house price. “But I know lots of people who got into Oxbridge from comprehensives,” say people who went to Oxbridge, their anecdotes trumping the data.

I have no problem with being accused of being “chippy”. I love it. It gives me a wholly illusory sense of having just struck a blow against the establishment. It means that something I’ve said has somehow scared someone whose life is utterly secure and, lacking the wit to counter it, he’s been spooked to desperation, like an elephant rearing up from the squeak of a mouse.

James Hamilton brackets me with Chris Dillow. This is a mistake. Chris Dillow says he has contempt for public schoolkids. I do not. Chris Dillow says most public schoolboys are distasteful. They are not. Chris Dillow was a member of Militant, an organisation that was orders of magnitude more destructive than the Bullingdon Club. At least Cameron is embarrassed by his own teenage vandalism.

When things go wrong from time to time in my life, my own mum never tires of reminding me how I had to fight my way into the World. On paper, my origins are comically unfortunate, like something from Monty Python’s Four Yorkshiremen sketch or a Graham Greene. The reality is I’ve been bloody lucky, but choice facts make for a good story. As my dad pointed out at my parents’ anniversary dinner, they had to move the date of their wedding because the man organising the the reception was arrested in a military coup. Over dinner he also explained to my brother-in-law that my sister and I are descended from slaves and prostitutes.

In that capacity—as if it counted for anything at all—I’d like to disown some of the po-faced rubbish that’s been coming from various celebrity “people of colour” in response to the anniversary of the Abolition of Slave Trade Act. White American invader Scott “Daily Ablution” Burgess and sinister media Jew David Aaronovitch, on the other hand, had fun with the same event and, in passing, made me think. [I should point out that my linking approvingly to an item featuring Brian Sewell in no way implies my approval of Brian Sewell. He is however relevant to this post because, like me, he is a social climber with a carefully re-engineered accent.]

At the risk of sounding like Finkelstein, that’s one kind of “grievance” that I do not feel, because it’s completely illegitimate. If you move in educated middle-class circles as I have mostly done since school, not being white is an advantage, though perhaps not as great as having been to Oxford. As Scott Burgess’s post shows, there’s a tiny guild of comfortably-off “professional blacks” who make money out of their skin colour. They go on about “the black experience” (it’s singular of course), about “alienation”, about “institutional racism”. They complain about disadvantage, but, like the whites who pay them, they probably didn’t make it to their comfortable position on merit alone. Unlike Finkelstein’s ChipOx club, the solutions the Guild of Media Ethnics proposes would make the real problems underlying its members’ complaints worse than they are now.

Now that I am a nice, beige, middle-class person it doesn’t seem quite so bad that I grew up with self-described racist whites instead of (British-born) blacks of the sort my sister lived with for a while at university, the sort who declare whites “racist until proven otherwise”. Compared to most of our school peers, my sister and I were born with a huge advantage: we had parents who believed deeply in the importance of education and who had benefited from it themselves. My dad was a teacher and I am a member of the exam-passing classes. That I could ask him to get hold of the syllabuses for the ‘O’-Levels I took at school so I could learn the things they couldn’t or wouldn’t teach me at my comprehensive got me into Oxford, but I’m sure my colour and my background helped rather than hindered my chances.

It says a lot that, once I’d arrived there and was studying physiology, my efforts were frustrated by the absence of any official written syllabus for the subject. Just as with the ever-shifting lexicon of U and Non-U, one way to keep the oiks down in the game of life is to keep changing the rules without telling them. Curiously, a don who has done much since then to turn the Oxford physiology course into the “best” in the country had to defend his college’s rejection of a state school pupil called Laura Spence against the objections of our likely future Prime Minister. According to Brown it was “an absolute scandal”. According to Spence it was no such thing.

While most of the privately-educated kids at my first university treated me civilly to my face, plenty of the working-class kids I went to school with wanted to punch me in it, because of what I inherited from my parents: that belief in education, the colour of my skin. (And also because I was a self-righteous smart arse—so no change there, then.)

I might have been raised by a socialist father and a liberal mother, but I didn’t believe that working people were inherently better. Even many tribally Labour locals who would never have contemplated voting for Thatcher were prepared to vote for people, openly racist people, to her Right. They hated immigrants; they hated some of them as much for their diligence as their difference. Their attitudes expose the lie that ordinary people are “driven” to racism because they feel “swamped”. Most of the time I was there, there were fewer than half-a-dozen non-whites in that school of 1300, but there were hundreds of National Front logos carved and scrawled on its available surfaces.

But I’m still angry on behalf of the class that most of that 1300 came from. There were plenty of people I went to school with who were cleverer than the ones I went to university with, people who could have made better scientists, better journalists, better party leaders. A lot of them will never get a chance to, no matter how hard they try. One reason I post here is to provoke posh twits with expensively acquired superiority complexes into trying to knock the chip off my shoulder. Sometimes they even step into a clearly signposted elephant trap.

No social class has a monopoly on virtue, but Chris Dillow is right that one, the class that both Cameron and Blair belong to, has a pretty secure grip on power. I don’t hate toffs or rich kids. I hate the enduring national sneer at people who don’t know their place and won’t stay there, whether it’s the place of their birth or their place on the social ladder. Most successful British sitcoms are extended jokes about losers with ambitions. This blog is an extended joke about a loser with ambitions. We’re so used to laughing at grafters on screen that it’s a cinematic event when a British icon is remade as one. This is a country where people can actually be criticised for “trying too hard”—unless they’re footballers.

The British are richer than they have ever been, but their society has become more class-bound lately. The country’s general affluence and the changes in people’s attitudes that have taken place over the past three decades have tempted many winners to claim that they have attained their position through talent and hard work “passion”.

I suspect those who have secure places nearer the top of the ladder resort to empty abuse for similar reasons to those nearer the bottom: because they are afraid that the limits of their ability will be exposed by open competition, that they or their children might be displaced by those who really are more talented and harder working (and better looking). They are made nervous by those who complain that social mobility has in fact declined over that period, and who suggest ways that it might be revived. They make the usual noises. Nice people, people who would never breathe the word “uppity”—once routinely followed by the word “nigger”—are happy to bray: “Chippy!”

When they use it against me then I’m happy too.

The European Confession

During the dying months of my doing bioinformatics for a living, I attended a scientific conference in Scotland. I helped to run a few of the seminars there, but had nothing to do with their planning.

At one, I marched to the front during a student’s presentation and told a member of the audience to stop whittering and let the poor girl be heard. He turned out to be a full professor and the convener of the meeting, but he was still in the wrong. He wasn’t making a contribution; he was just gossiping with a colleague right in the middle of her talk. (My policy on departmental seminars always used to be that the more junior the speaker the more likely I was to turn up.)

Later on—when we were supposed to be doing so—I took part in the discussion myself. Between sessions, a director of a small consulting firm approached me. She asked me about some things I had said during the debate. At the end of our conversation I told her that I wouldn’t have a job in a year’s time and if she ever wanted to ask me questions for money then she should give me a call. Some months later, when she was at the Genome Campus to see someone more important, she popped into my office and we had a chat about stuff, though not specifically about my working for her.

Last year she asked if I would like to be part of a bid for a contract to advise the European Commission about e-science. I said yes, and I would have done so even if I hadn’t been looking at a bleak wedding-job-free winter. The consultancy won the contract. Because of this I have been doing some freelance work for them recently.

This week I’ve been in Brussels, helping with a workshop, after which a representative of the Commission asked me if I’d be interested in working directly for them on another small job. Even if I do this I won’t be a full-time employee of the EC by any means—I’m still available to take photographs—and I have been and will continue to encourage the Gnomes of Brussels to spend your money wisely. Indeed, for this latest potential contract they would like me to assess a project they have funded and tell them whether or not I think the results have been good value-for-money.

I’ve said before that my instinctive sympathy for the European Union has faded over the past few years. This is despite the EU funding me to go to grad school when the UK research councils couldn’t see the point of training a biologist to do physics with computers. After I graduated again, British academic employers then had to pay more for my skills than they would have if they’d wised up sooner. Now, the Eurocrats are getting to pick the brains whose construction they funded.

There have been many developments in the EU that have worried me and one of the last depressing experiences of the shutdown of the institute where I used to work was a deal-breaking problem with an EU-funded grant, the first serious one I’d ever won—a problem that should have been identified in advance by the people in the university administering the money.

But every time I have direct contact with the EU itself I’m seduced again. This isn’t just because they enrich me personally, but because the officials I meet are intelligent and reasonable people who deploy factual arguments and speak plain English (and plain German and plain French). It was pleasing to me that, when the subject of technical rivalry with the United States came up, attendees at this recent workshop expressed no anti-Americanism. Commission employees also seem to have excellent taste in clothes.

Conversely, I’ve said before that one of the main reasons for the failure of the UK Independence Party and other organisations that are in tune with the natural Euroscepticism of Brits is the bizarre behaviour of their public representatives. Many of them wouldn’t know evidence if it cuffed them and took them down to Europol headquarters for questioning and they talk about the World in xenophobic or unexamined pseudo-classical-liberal clichés. This isn’t true of all of them of course, but I do hope that my new source of income results in my annoying their supporters on the Net, British bloggertarians, more than I do already.

For Grandma And Grandpa Geek

One of the places I went away to was my sister’s, where our parents had a dinner to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. I took this the next day after mum and dad had gone back home.
Clare Maisie and Sam
In the front is Maisie, my niece; holding her is my sister Clare; the blur in the background is Sam, my nephew, who is about to do his Frankenstein’s monster walk into another unyielding surface.

It’s annoying having a sister who can spend an evening drinking and eating gout-inducing quantities of rich stuff and wake up the next day looking like Halle Berry’s stunt double. According to my brother-in-law though, it’s even more annoying having to share a room with her after she’s consumed alcohol because she even acts a bit like Halle Berry’s stunt double: she gets up in the middle of the night and tries to sleepwalk through walls.

Yeah, Busy Again

My apologies to people who are waiting for email replies and blog content and other things. I’ve been away and out and I’ll probably begin to catch up with my email backlog on Wednesday.

Raising Hell

In 2004 a US teenager murdered a homeless man. The teenager blamed his actions on his having played violent video games.

Penny Arcade is a blog comic about video games. Gabe, one of its authors wrote a response to the story that ironically(?) blamed the kid’s parents. Gabe then received an extraordinary letter from a reader who claimed to be the murderer’s step-mother. Read all of it. If it’s for real then it tells a tale almost as disturbing as that of the murder.

[via Slashdot]

An Abomination Unto The Lord

Hak Mao links to a cat with 26 toes. What she doesn’t mention in her blog post is that further down that article is the terrifying news that some cats have evolved opposable thumbs. People are worried about genetically modified potatoes when we are sharing this planet with a sub-population of Felis catus that can manipulate tools?

First they’ll start building fires, then wheels—in return for opening tins of food with their little gripping mittens they’ll have our dogs pulling them along in tiny cat carriages—then they’ll start filing their claws down and decide they need weapons. Within our lifetimes they’ll be wielding miniature shoulder-mounted armour-piercing missile launchers.

People of the World, kill every mutant moggie now, while you still can.

Gordzilla: Final Wars

Andrew Skudder might be cunning, but Gordon Brown is as cunning as the Fox’s Glacier Mints Professor of Cunning at Cunning University, Scotchland. Who better for him to challenge him for the leadership of the Labour Party than the elected face of conspiracy theory Michael Meacher?

One quick phone call from Brown to George W Bush and men in dark glasses wearing earpieces were paying discreet visits to Left-wing Labour MPs. Before you can say “carefully placed explosive charges” John McDonnell’s campaign is a puddle of molten steel at Ground Zero.

Intensive Care

Over the past few years, both here and elsewhere, I have from time to time suggested that Robbie Williams is an individual of limited talent whose output has consisted mainly of hamfisted pastiche, northern English karaoke of the sort that belongs alongside the deliberately lighthearted performances of stand-up comedian Peter Kay rather than next to the best of British pop. Despite the efforts of his management, publishers, record company, and many members of the UK media to persuade them otherwise, most of the people of North America also remain unimpressed.

At this difficult time for him, I’d like to join his former bandmates in Take That in wishing Robbie a rapid recovery. I’d also like to add this personal message: Since I involuntarily gave up working in biomedical research, my life has in some ways become less stressful. (Nobody in the States was interested in what I did either.) A change of occupation could bring with it massive therapeutic benefits for you—and for many others, especially those who listen to daytime radio as they go about their business, or indeed attend an unhealthily large number of wedding discos. Give it a thought, Robbie, mate. I can lend you some career guides.

A PooterGeek Appeal

I’ve been staying at my parents’ this weekend—thanks, folks—while I’ve been attending the National Wedding Show [of which more soon at the Wedding Photography Blog]. The show was on at the National Exhibition Centre, round the corner from their place. As a boy I never imagined that I’d grow up to spend working Saturdays, for example, discussing dresses with a recently engaged midwife.

Afterwards I sat down with Ma and Pa Geek to watch Preston North End against Manchester City. As she often points out, the first date my dad took my mum on when she was fresh off the boat from West Africa was to sit in the cold at Deepdale to watch Preston. Watching them again play in the fifth round of the FA Cup today from the comfort of the sofa, PooterMum came up with the prize quote of the afternoon when she shouted: “Oh, go back to Gambia!” at Preston’s black defender Seyfo Soley. From these facts you can work out where I inherited my winning way with women and my obsessive political correctness.

Much as I like to tease my dad about PNE’s recent history, they didn’t deserve to lose 3–1. Indeed, they didn’t deserve to lose at all; a draw would have been a fairer result. He has my sympathy, but I think PooterGeek readers should also spare a thought for another member of my father’s generation: retired university Professor Norman Geras.

Norm paints a poignant picture: you can imagine the old Marxist in his study picking his way through the newspaper cuttings of reports of the last Ashes series, carefully collected by his wife while he was away watching the competition live in Australia. He relives those golden days. He reflects on a time before his cricket team Australia began falling to the might of New Zealand, and before his football team Manchester United found themselves struggling at home to Reading reserves.

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