29Nov08 — 5

Are They Slacking Or Am I?

Here’s a thing: it’s been almost two months since I last had a racist email or comment at PooterGeek. I’m proud to say that I normally receive a near-even balance of stuff about niggers and stuff about kikes, but, having just checked, I see that the last one was an email accusing me of being in the pay of the Joos—who are, of course, censoring the media, presumably so that people like me can fill all the available outlets with their Zionist propaganda. (It also pointed out, amongst other things, that George W Bush is Jewish.)

Do you think the fall off in hate mail is because I’m not writing enough these days? Maybe moving my photo to the “About” page has caused the decline. It’s difficult to get inside the minds of these people when you tend not to hang around with them.

27Nov08 — 2

Mini-Me

A lot of people spend their youth experimenting. As my mother often tells people who really don’t want to know, I spent my youth experimenting: with chemicals, electricity, and the flora and fauna of Birmingham’s green belt. Just like my peers who took part in drug parties, random sexual coupling, and street violence—I suppose I also participated in the last of these activities, but involuntarily—I look back on some of the stuff I did and wonder how I managed to live this long. My mum will never let me forget, for example, The Sulphur Explosion. When I read E. O. Wilson‘s account of how he lost his eye, I thought: “There but for the grace of God…”

At the risk of drawing a bunch of anti-health-and-safety nutters into the comments, I am amazed at the ease with which a small boy could, if he really wanted to (or even if he hadn’t planned to), cause serious damage to himself, others, and the family dining table back in the 70s and 80s. The range of potentially fatal ingredients that it was possible to buy cheaply in the high street and the absence of any protective equipment inside a typical chemistry set, for example, shock me today. A lot of people forget that chemist‘s shops used to sell chemicals. They probably still do, but I suspect I would become the subject of a large-scale surveillance operation if, in these days of terror, I walked into my local pharmacist and tried to buy some of the things I have in mind.

Anyway, this comes with goggles and I might get one “for my niece” for Christmas.

25Nov08 — 3

Let’s Saint George!

While I’m on a Radio 4 kick, I heard Mark Lawson interviewing the soon-to-be-stepping-down Andrew Motion and Andy Burnham, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, on Front Row yesterday evening about the appointment of the next Poet Laureate. Apparently, although they were quick to say it wouldn’t be a TV talent contest, there’s going to be much more public input into the choice of Motion’s successor—which comes with a serious quantity of very nice sherry by way of compensation.

I think it’s time to start the campaign on behalf of George Szirtes. As soon as there’s a ballot box to stuff, I’ll be on the case. Imagine what the Daily Mail will think: the first official asylum seeker versifier to the House of Windsor and the kingdom of England.

24Nov08 — 1

Shug/Shag/Cad

I’ve been very busy this weekend, but here are three things that I enjoyed reading in between upgrades and back-ups: Minette Marrin on Jacqui Smith and UK prostitution1, Shuggy on Barack Obama and the US constitution, and an obituary of William Donaldson:

[Donaldson] first came to prominence in 1961 as the London producer of Beyond the Fringe, which brought together Peter Cook, Alan Bennett and Jonathan Miller. He was also the first promoter to arrange a Bob Dylan concert at a time when the singer was barely known in Britain. “He [Dylan] was sitting in my office one day when I came back from lunch,” Donaldson recalled. “I couldn’t get rid of the f***er.”

Donaldson’s Henry Root letters made me scream with laughter when I was a kid. My sympathy for the recipients of his (often nasty) fake missives usually, but not always, dissolved as the victims’ replies revealed them to be one or more of the following: vain, pompous, or touchy.

  1. When Marrin wrote an article about prostitution back in March, a “feminist” called Samara Ginsberg declared it “totally gross”, having previously written “a VERY angry letter” complaining about Marrin’s making a comparison between ritualistic religious slaughter of animals and fox hunting. I look forward to reading Ginsberg’s response to this one. I’m sure it’ll be just as rib-ticklingly un-self-aware. For comparison, here’s a real feminist in action. [↩]
12Nov08 — 0

Geek At Work

And now, like a page from Where’s Wally / Where’s Waldo?, see if you can spot the wedding photographer in this [large!] image. He’s cunningly camouflaged by being the same colour as the furniture.

(The camera to my left has a 50mm f/1.4 lens on it and the one in my hands a 100mm f/2.8. The white bowl is a flash diffuser.)

[Thanks, W]

12Nov08 — 2

Ooh, That’s A New One

Last year, Newsbiscuit ran a spoof “NEWSPAPERS RUN OUT OF ‘LORD LEVY IS JEWISH’ EUPHEMISMS” story [requires free registration] I was reminded of it when I read this from the latest statement by “the neo-Nazi North German Action Office”, as reported in the Wall Street Journal:

Inasmuch as it is a determined opponent of the western-plutocratic one-world policy, we regard Islam, globally considered, as an ally against the mammonistic dominance of the American east coast

“Zionists” is so last year. Anyone who’s anyone in the global banking conspiracy lives on the east coast of America now.

[Thanks, GH.]

09Nov08 — 2

Scent Of A Geek

Thanks to this blog, I know it’s been two years since I last acquired a new bottle of cologne/aftershave. Once again, I’m unable to replace the one I’ve finished because, during my months of sparing use, the fragrance my sister bought me back then (itself the nearest approximation to its discontinued predecessor) has been discontinued. So I bribed a couple of heterosexual women with chocolate cake to follow me around the shops—thank you, V and C—and they helped me to choose “Angel Men Pure Coffee” by Thierry Mugler. It’s already a limited edition, so will jump straight from “mmh that’s nice” to “sold out” with no intervening delay.

In fact, my female guides preferred a completely different product that smelt of ginger, but they weren’t repelled by this one. It’s always a pleasant surprise when women aren’t repelled. Perhaps if I remind them of the inside of a Starbucks they’ll find me less scary.

If you’re reading this, family, there’s now no need to buy me any smellies this Christmas. (Though I suppose you could stockpile a bottle of A*Men Pure Coffee for two years hence if you can find one.) Some nice, thick M&S socks—size 10 (or 9)—would be appreciated though.

09Nov08 — 1

USA Gets Black President; BBC Notices Al-Qaeda Racist

Al-Qaeda in Iraq have reacted to the US presidential election by issuing a statement on Friday directed at President-elect Barack Obama and his incoming administration.
…
[H]ardliners have greeted Barack Obama’s election victory with a stream of racist and other insults.

Because, previously, when Al-Qaeda in Iraq referred to Kurdish-speaking bomb victims as “Kuffir to be slaughtered”, they were just being “militant”.

06Nov08 — 0

Paddy’s Wager

PADDY POWER OFFERS ODDS OF 4-1 THAT GOD EXISTS

A bookmaker has slashed its odds on proof being found of God’s existence to just 4-1.

Since opening its book just two months ago, punters hoping to have their faith rewarded have placed £5,000 with Paddy Power.

It began taking bets on the question that has plagued thinkers for centuries in September, to coincide with the switching on of the Large Hadron Collider that physicists hope may lead to the discovery of an elusive sub-atomic object called the “God particle”.

Initially the odds that proof would be found of God’s existence were 20-1, and they lengthened to 33-1 when the multi-billion pound atom smasher was shut down temporarily because of a magnetic failure.

But interest in the wager has increased greatly following the recent launch of a campaign to have atheist adverts placed on London buses declaring that “there’s probably no God”.

As a result of a flurry of small bets Paddy Power, which also runs books on who will be the next Pope and the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, has cut the odds on proof being found of God’s existence to just 4-1.

Four-to-one against the existence of God being “verified by scientists and given by an independent authority” has to be the stingiest price ever offered on any bet by any bookie since humankind was expelled from the Garden—especially when the Christians are offering a potential return of infinity-to-one.

04Nov08 — 1

Those Beige Headlines In Full

TIGER WOODS WINS 2008 US OPEN DESPITE KNEE INJURY CAUSED BY ILLEGAL KARATE ATTACK FROM EVIL MAFIA GOLFER ROCCO MEDIATE. OBTAINS CRUCIAL PAR SCORE ON SUDDEN-DEATH HOLE USING “CRANE KICK” BEFORE COLLAPSING ON THE FINAL GREEN IN AGONY, MUTTERING “I DID IT FOR YOU, ELIN!”

LEWIS HAMILTON CLINCHES WORLD F1 DRIVERS’ CHAMPIONSHIP IN HIS MCLAREN, “HERBIE”, DESPITE EFFORTS OF EVIL DWARF BARON ECCLESTONE. LAST-GASP DONATION OF WET WEATHER TYRES FROM BROTHER’S WHEELCHAIR PERMITS LEWIS TO SNATCH TITLE-WINNING FIFTH PLACE. “I DID IT FOR YOU, NICHOLAS,” HE CONFESSES AS BROTHERS’ ESTRANGED PARENTS RE-UNITE IN HEARTWARMING FINALE AND ECCLESTONE IS LED AWAY BY AUTHORITIES, MUTTERING, “IF IT HADN’T BEEN FOR YOU PESKY KIDS…”

SON OF GOAT-HERD BARACK OBAMA BECOMES PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES, DEFEATS GIGANTIC TWO-HEADED DINOSAUR CLINTZILLA AND PALIN THE ICE WITCH, AS HIS KINDLY GRANDMOTHER THROWS EVIL NEOCON EMPEROR MCCAIN DOWN REACTOR SHAFT. IN RESPONSE TO PRESIDENT OBAMA’S CONTINUED SUPPORT FOR ISRAEL, MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD BURNS BEYONCÉ CENTREFOLD IN FRONT OF FRENZIED CROWD AND REVEALS DISCOVERY OF PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF CREOLE.

03Nov08 — 1

I Warned Them, But Did They Listen To Me?…

Perhaps you remember my posting about my little sister’s small claims case against Sky. I wasn’t surprised to receive an email from her on Friday informing me that, after months of time-wasting and attempts at legal intimidation by them—don’t get lawyerly with woman who teaches law—she has finally and comprehensively whupped their sorry asses.

My favourite of her telephone updates was the one in which she complained that she was beginning to feel insulted by the dismal quality of solicitors they had sent to take her on: “They can’t even spell [the legal jargon they’re trying to scare me with]!” (I get that sometimes in my comments. Advice to anyone wanting to pick a fight here: don’t swallow a dictionary unless you can digest it.)

They should have rolled over at the start, when it would only have cost them a measly couple of grand; but that’s big organizations for you: institutionally demented. Nice one, Clare. Mine’s a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.

My brother-in-law was also in touch with me yesterday, displaying his own language skills as he assessed the performance of the referee who officiated as his team played Nottingham Forest.

30Oct08 — 1

The Ultimate “Comment Is Free” Comment?

I don’t read or link to “Comment Is Free”, The Guardian‘s cesspit of a group blog. Sadie saves you, me, and everybody from ever having to do so again by republishing a comment from the site that captures the spirit of the place. Under an article about rape, a reader writes:

“rape is never a woman’s fault”

That is a very dangerous statement to make, it is almost like saying all Muslims are terrorists, you are automatically vilifying a group of people simply because of their disposition.

30Oct08 — 7

Top Brand

Further to my last post about this, Russell Brand makes a proper apology to camera here. I can think of several politicians (amongst others) who could learn from it. He doesn’t mess about with words like “inappropriate”, which these days is used to describe everything from ironically referencing a passage in the Koran to trying to have sex with an underage girl1; he simply says that what he did was “wrong”. He tries to explain why he did what he did without excusing it. He takes full responsibility for his actions. He resigns.

Good on him. (I expect he’ll be starring in his own show on ITV in about six months, for about twelve times his current BBC salary.)

  1. cf the dynamic range of the word “militant” [↩]
28Oct08 — 1

Aural Sachs

Andrew Sachs has just been on BBC Radio 4, walking around London Zoo with Tim Samuels and reminiscing about how he used to sneak in there during World War II. Sachs was born to a Jewish family in Berlin in 1930. He and they fled Germany in 1938. He witnessed Kristallnacht—“Goodness, those Stormtroopers are going to get into trouble for breaking all those shop windows!” He collected a certificate signed by Hitler for his schoolboy scrap metal collecting. His father was arrested for “sedition” because he was caught with a satirical newspaper cutting in his wallet.

Sachs came across as calm about his terrifying childhood experiences and grateful for what he saw as his many other blessings. He told us about these things because Samuels asked him—they were directly relevant to the setting—and because Sachs is currently writing his autobiography anyway, but, usually, he doesn’t mention the war. Sachs even agreed to dub Manuel’s voice for the German remake of Fawlty Towers, in his first language, with a Spanish accent. I doubt he was deeply traumatized by “lewd” answerphone remarks from Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand about his granddaughter.

Another Andrew is mounting a defence of the desperate duo at wongaBlog, but I have to agree with the consensus verdict of the not-noticeably-prissy twenty- and thirty-something commenters at a football forum I sometimes visit. They didn’t object to the innuendo, just to the lack of talent: Andrew Sachs in Fawlty Towers: still funny; Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand in anything at all: not funny any more.

27Oct08 — 0

Future News For November

TRANSYLVANIAN NOBLEMAN FORCED TO ADMIT TO BEING BULLINGDON CLUB MEMBER MISSING FROM INFAMOUS PHOTOGRAPH: “I HAVE A STRICT ‘NO PICTURES’ RULE—AND DO NOT WISH TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH THE BULLINGDON CLUB’S TREATMENT OF WOMEN,” CLAIMS ANONYMOUS COUNT, 577.

AFRICA STAGES “HERRING AID” TO HELP NORTHERN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES COPE WITH CREDIT CRUNCH. BJÖRK TO APPEAR AT OPENING OF SIERRA LEONE CONCERT AND RIDE ELEPHANT ACROSS CONTINENT TO ARRIVE IN TIME FOR FINALE WITH PAUL MCCARTNEY IN SOMALIA.

PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN HOPES TO HAVE NEW GOVERNMENT LEGISLATION TO PROTECT HEAVILY INDEBTED CENTRAL LONDON RESIDENTS FROM BEING EVICTED FROM THEIR HOMES IN PLACE BY 2010.

PETER MANDELSON ENDS SILENCE OVER GEORGE OSBORNE AFFAIR: “MUAH-HA-HA HA HA, MUAH-HA HA HA! MUAH HA HA-HA HA!”

SCOLARI SACKED AS CHELSEA’S UNBEATEN HOME RECORD FALLS BEHIND TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR’S.

BUYER OF COUNTDOWN VORDERMAN’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT: “I’D LIKE 800 Ks OFF THE BOTTOM LINE PLEASE, CAROL.”

20Oct08 — 0

Double Exposure With Cream

Remember that very “English” black-and-white print I made of a café in Hove?

entrance to Cafe Intenso

This supersaturated colour medium-format slide film shot of another corner café, taken in Argentina, is a nice counterpoint to it; even the angles of the shadows are similar. As the photographer says, the stock it was taken with came out of the freezer.


Old Café
Originally uploaded by CarlosMF.

Today, some film traditionalists are stockpiling specialist emulsions on ice as they go out of production. Chilling film is supposed to slow down its chemical decay and preserve its colour response. Technically this must be true; exactly how effective it is I have no idea. I’m not stashing crates of discontinued varieties of Fujifilm in a basement chest freezer, but I don’t take any chances with the stuff I use for everyday work, especially the colour—even though the film I use most of the time is very “laid back“.

This morning, I was shuffling unused rolls in my fridge and it made me think of fishing enormous sheets of photographic paper out of minus 70°C back in the early 90s (with gloves on), when the chemical reagents I used in a typical week cost more than my salary. Ah, happy days—NOT. Then, I was probably one of the last generation of biomedical lab monkeys to sequence DNA the old-fashioned way (just as, today, I’m stuck taking photos the old-fashioned way). DNA sequencing is done by robots these days—not that I’ve been in a so-called “wet” lab for years. Maybe people still do it by hand to check they’ve cloned or mutated the right thing in the right place or in undergraduate practicals.

(Funnily enough, I only met Frederick Sanger, the man who invented DNA sequencing, because a chemistry professor visiting from the US insisted I introduce him to the guy. I wouldn’t have had the nerve to approach him otherwise. I didn’t need it. Sanger is nice and modest and, physically, completely unremarkable. He is also the only human being alive to have won two Nobel prizes.)

18Oct08 — 0

Best Of Three Five



John.
[originally uploaded by Ryan Brenizer]

Excellent shots of the candidates for the US Presidency taken at the Alfred E Smith dinner by a wedding photographer are here on flickr. I wish there were more to look at. (And I wish the photographer hadn’t added that crappy “exposed film” border. It’s digital. Get over it. Don’t tart up a fine piece of work by ‘shopping on some fake authenticity.)

UPDATE: There’s now a couple more. Subscribe to the set here.

16Oct08 — 3

A Client I Won’t Miss

[BY TELEPHONE]

CLIENT-I-WON’T-MISS: [giggling] …and I saw the pictures of that gay wedding on your Website.

POOTERGEEK: I shoot Gays, Catholics, Protestants, Humanists, Blacks, Whites, Jews…

CLIENT-I-WON’T-MISS: Well, I suppose you have to be prepared to work for anyone when you’re starting out.

16Oct08 — 0

Too Horrible To Contemplate?

Imagine several million small children across the planet waking up on Christmas Day to discover that six of Santa Claus’s reindeer had had pixie dust blowouts at 30 000 feet over the North Atlantic, leading to a catastrophic loss of power and Santa’s sleigh plunging into the freezing ocean, killing all on board and scattering the pulverized cargo across the surface of the waves in a vast toy slick.

This is what it will be like if Barack Obama somehow manages to lose the US Presidential election in November. I don’t know if I could bear the mewling for even an hour, but it would go on for four years, God help us. Fortunately, right now, this only seems a possibility if Obama is videotaped in flagrante with his underage babysitter while wearing a turban on his head and shouting “Allahu Akbar!”. But here’s a cut-out-and-keep guide to the media explanations that will be on offer.

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